A recent commenter, Elise, made a rather interesting point in my blog about unfriendly college places. She mentioned that all the “great ideas for a bar” that I came up with in jest were actual clubs in downtown Dallas. Thus I now cast a resurrection spell on the topic, to bring it from the depths and have it rain down with fiery laughter upon the unsuspecting populace.
It is also a godsend, since I was very near to introducing my latest Beard On Tap feature: THE TRIMMINGS, otherwise known as short script dialogues.
INT – HEAVEN AND HELL NIGHTCLUB – NIGHT
Two floors, Heaven and Hell segregate the club. Down in Hell, a DUDE sits next to attractive WOMAN in red.
DUDE – Hey I figure I'm going to Hell anyway, so I might as well come down here, right?
WOMAN – Right.
DUDE – HAHAHAHA, wanna do anal?
Woman leaves.
DUDE – Oh c'mon baby, don't be a prude… God, hell sucks. I'm going to try heaven.
Peter The Bouncer shakes his head and block's Dude's entry. Meanwhile…
INT. HEAVEN – CONTINUOUS
A LOSER sits at the bar next to a innocent looking BLONDE. There are chalices of wine, and a bowl full of communion wafers.
LOSER – So did you see The Da Vinci Code. Pretty mind-warping stuff, huh?
BLONDE – It's just a movie.
LOSER – I thought the whole (moves hands to a point, then a Y) triangle thing was interesting. I mean I've never seen a … Womb… before, so I.
BLONDE – You mean a vagina?
LOSER – Yeah, one of those.
BLONDE – (aside) God, is sex all these people think about?
GOD sits on her left.
GOD – Oh cut them some slack, Gabriel.
LOSER – (checking Gabe's shirt tag) Just as I thought, Made in Heaven! I thought you looked like an Angel.
GABRIEL – Oh for Christ's sake.
Gabriel stands up, unfolds a 12 foot wingspan.
LOSER – Holy shit, you really are.
Gabriel pulls up his “dress” to reveal no genitalia.
Gabriel – Still trying to take me home, perv boy? God, let's go.
God – What? Don't tell me you're jealous.
The two start ascending, the Loser looks in complete awe. As God exits…
God – You're telling me you'd trade eternal bliss for a 6 second orgasm?
The Loser follows them up, devious grin on face. THEN.
EXT. APARTMENT – Night
LOSER and DUDE are seen through adjacent apartment bathroom windows, each cranking one out like it's the apocalypse.