My dog walked in on me dropping a duece in the bathroom. I don't know who should be more embarrassed.
Let me explain the full story.
My dog, pictured at right, has a lot of hair. Seeing as how I live in Texas, and she is an Aleutian breed, it follows that she get hot from time to time, especially during the summer, and even during the night.
My dog naturally, then proceeds to require a drink of water, seeing as how canines do not sweat, but rather transport heat to their tongues and respirate the heat from their bodies in a process known as Panting. In the middle of the night, the nearest water source is ze toilet. “Oh the hilarity, dogs are so silly!” I believe is the appropriate response.
*I pause while somebody draws a comic strip relating this fact.*
I often hear my dog, Kiska, perform this task while I sleep. She wakes, pants, laps, and returns to bed, but never have I been on the toilet when it happened.
I'm sitting there, completely nude with boxers around my ankles, prison shackles while i served my time. Then in comes the white Warden.
Think about that for a second.
HOW THE FUCK DID MY DOG OPEN THE DOOR? How long has she known how to do that?
My mouth was agape. My dog was equally surprised. Clearly she didn't like being caught in her act either. We shared a moment of “what the fuck are you doing in here?”
HOW THE FUCK DID MY DOG OPEN THE DOOR? How long has she known how to do that?
My mouth was agape. My dog was equally surprised. Clearly she didn't like being caught in her act either. We shared a moment of “what the fuck are you doing in here?”
She gave an apologetic head bow, and turned around, exiting the restroom. I was literally motionless and let out a short laugh in disbelief. The moment was unreal.
Then it occured to me what her intentions were. Water. She was going for a drink, only to find my surprisingly not hairy ass in the bowl. Now nobody in their right mind drinks toilet water, but that's mostly because of fear of the IMPLIED. This was a case of the DEFINITE. Even if she could nuzzle somewhere between my legs to reach the pool below, this was not a natural font that is bottled up and sold overpriced to soccer moms and yuppies. This water was sewage to be, second in fecal content only to a certain medical symptom of such diseases as dysentery and stomach flu which i shall monniker “Wendy's Frosty Dairy Dessert”
Soquid indeed.
Man's best friend, my ass. (that's what she saw)
Resources