So, I'm pretty sure my apartment's got a new tenant…a mouse. Now, if you don't know me well (and you don't), you also don't know that I fucking hate mice. I'm not afraid of much…snakes, heights, that shit…but mice scare the shit out of me. Bubonic plague carrying little vermin…ah…they're so goddamned quick.
Now, I haven't seen this mouse…nor have I heard him. However, I do believe that he is fucking with me. You see, my bathroom ceiling is composed of those cardboard-looking white tiles that you can lift up, right? Well, every time I pull it down and lock it back in to the framing, it pops loose whenever I go to the bathroom again.
Of course, this could be a pressure change in the bathroom (my piss shoots out at 5000 mph and I like to steam up the bathroom before I…steam it up…*poke*poke*, get my drift? heh-heh-heh)…but I'm pretty sure it's a mouse fucking with me and/or watching me piss.
Now, I know you'll probably blame my landlord…but that dude is 100% blind. Swear to God. Blind as a bat…
A small… robotic… bat a landlord might program to lift a ceiling tile in order to see me piss. But then, how would he watch the tape?
Uh…so I guess my questions are:
1)Any of you kids out there familiar with bathroom fixtures?
2)Or…well, do you know if I can ceil my ceiling better?
3)Bonus points for using the word “caulk”
4)Can I get my mouse to pay a little rent?
5)Why would a mouse bust into my foodless apartment?
6)Is a 22 too much of a gun to kill a mouse?
7)How about a blind landlord?
8)Don't you think I could get a better deal on rent?
9)Can you lend me a dollar?
10) Der?