Bill Belichick's Babysitting Service

Hi, I'm Bill Belichick, and I can't remember how many Super Bowl's I've been in. Not because I'm old, because I've been in a lot of Super Bowls, okay?

You should let me take care of your children for you.

I don't have any formal babysitting schooling per se, but if I can coach the fucking New England Patriots to the Super Bowl, I can coach your fucking kids into going on sleep on time, eating their vegetables, and whatever else kids are supposed to do.

I was a baby once. So needless to say, I know how to take care of a baby. Since I was one once. So I know what I wanted and needed then. So, like, I'll know, like, what your baby wants and needs. Or whatever.

Let me pet your baby with my Super Bowl hand. I have a ring on every finger (I stole a couple from the Giants).

Babies are like little humans, and if I can take a large group of big humans to the Super Bowl year after year, don't you think I can take your baby to the Super Bowl…of life?

And it doesn't stop there. I will take care of ALL your children, not just your little fetuses. After all, babysitting doesn't literally mean just babysitting. They should call it babyandotherchildrenuptoacertainagesitting. And you're not exactly sitting on them. It's kind of confusing, but if you need any further explanation, I will do so upon arrival to your house.

I've protected my team from Vikings, Raiders, and fudge Packers, and I'll do the same for your children. I've beaten more black men that a 1700's slave master. ZING!!!! ZING-A-LING-DING!

I'm sorry. That was tasteless. But seriously, folks, we all know black men are the natural enemy of children.

I like to think of the baby as a football, and vice versa. I will protect your baby like it's a young, soft, growing, regulation-size football. Babies are a lot like footballs, after all – they're small, oval-shaped, they fall out of your arms easily, and they can be thrown and kicked long distances.

Let's talk Tom Brady. This textbook male homo sapien is flawless, a perfect specimen created by God and Joe Montana. I bet he's had sex with more women than Ron Jeremy, and more anal, which is what really counts, right guys?

Tom Brady can throw a perfect spiral to anyone. He could throw the football to an armless war veteran in a wheelchair, and the armless war veteran in a wheelchair would catch it.

And when's the last time you've seen Tom Brady throw an interception, besides that one time? Tom Brady would never throw the football to an African-American stranger who will run with the football in the opposite direction, and he would never do that with your baby either. That football might as well be your baby, becuase we will protect your baby from that exact same situation, and have practiced drills to prevent that from happening (again).

But don't worry, Tom Brady will never throw your baby period, unless the baby agrees to it and Tom Brady needs the practice. But Tom Brady doesn't need to practice throwing infants. Tom Brady is perfect at that.

Myself and my team of professional babysitters are undefeated in keeping babies, toddlers, and children alive. Except for that one time. But come on, 18 and 1 is really good these days. And if that one family is that upset, they should just buy another baby.

The only problems I could see surfacing is if the New York Giants come in and attack your baby hard on both defense and offense, and if Eli Manning is somehow not mentally retarded on this particular day and completes some baby passes. For instance, Eli Manning and the New York Giants break into the house and take the baby, and we all try to tackle Eli Manning and get the baby back, but somehow he breaks free time after time and throws a crazy pass to David Tyree, who catches your baby over his fucking head and somehow comes up with it. And then I promise we will all come up and just start punching the baby as hard as we can to try and knock it out of his hands.

Please?