By Yui Kanno
Don’t know what your guy friends are talking about? Certain things they say don’t make sense? Use this translation dictionary to get inside their heads.
“You seem like a nice girl.” –> “You’re good looking.”
“I trust you.” –> “You always give me sex, that’s nice.”
“I trusted you.” –> “You always gave me sex, but why no sex today?”
“I like Yoga.” –> “I have no muscles and suck at sports.”
“I’m taking a Yoga class.” –> “I like watching my hot Yoga teacher doing this and that, and I don’t mind paying 50 bucks an hour for that.”
“I’m taking a Japanese class.” –> “I have the Asian Girls Gone Wild series on my computer.”
“We get along perfectly. You’re like my best friend.” –> “I’m totally in love with you, why don’t you like me?”
“HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, no, nothing…I just…hahaha!” –> “Cool! I guess that means you’re in love with me, right?”
“Josh’s girlfriend, Anna, is a cool girl.” –> “Anna’s fucking hot, she should be chasing me, not Josh, damn.”
“No, you’re cool.” –> “I can make out with you, but no serious relationship please.”
“I don’t know about her so much…” –> “She’s ugly.”
“She’s kinda mean.” –> “She ugly.”
“She’s not very confident in herself.” –> “She’s not that good looking. Actually, she’s pretty ugly.”
“She just knows how to make me smile.” –> “She is good looking.”
“She likes all the same stuff I do, like playing soccer and jogging.” –> “I forced myself to like what she liked.”
“She’s pushy.” –> “I only made out with her like 10 times and she already wants to be my girlfriend.”
“She has some self-confidence issues.” –> “I only made out with her like 10 times, and she already freaked out when she saw me flirting with Jessica.”
“Please let me know if you need anything.” –> “You’re cute.”
“Oh, Molly? She’s not my roommate anymore. No, we were just good friends.” –> “I made out with her a few times, but then Ashley came over and Molly saw us making out, so Molly cried hysterically and left.”
“What’s wrong?” –> “Does that mean no sex today?”
“I don’t know…maybe.” –> “Hell no.”
“I’ll meet you at 2pm.” –> “I might see you at 3, if you’re lucky. But don’t count on it.”
“I’ve never cheated.” –> “So I’ve made out with girls besides my girlfriend, what’s your point?”
“What did you just say?” –> “Does that mean you’re not attracted to me anymore? I thought you were totally into me! You just let me kiss you last night! You’re such a slut, a good girl doesn’t make out with a guy who’s not her boyfriend!”
“Some guys are all about sex; I’m not like that.” –> “Technically, I’m a horny male who loves to make out with all girls in the world, but I had 3 STDs last year, so my mom told me to be more careful about unprotected sex this year.”
“I want to know you before we make love.” –> “I have herpes.”
“We were dating, but she got so busy with her new job…” –> “She dumped me, and now she’s dating her new colleague, a Harvard graduate. Damn I love her.”
“I can’t see you this Friday, I have work.” –> “Aunt Suzy told me to babysit her son, so I can get 10 bucks an hour. I have to pay the water bill by tomorrow.”
“When I was little, I was a violent, dangerous kid.” –> “I was a sensitive boy who loved to read comic books.”
“I’m not really sure what’s in those folders, probably a bunch of research papers from last semester.” –> “There’s no way in HELL I’m deleting those naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend!”
“This girl I met at the bar said she wanted to have a one night stand with me. I told her I only make love to a girl I love.” –> “I might look ugly and fat, but let me tell you, there are still some freaks out there who want me, so hurry, come and get me my princess!”
“When I get sick, will you take care of me?” –> “I’ve been having these weird symptoms, so I guess I have HIV or something like that. I’m looking for somebody to take care of me for free. Anyone?”