By contributing writer Ryan Davis
I understand that many Americans work hard for their money, and even more Americans work hard for not that much money at all. It's when Americans don't need to work hard for a lot of money that red flags go up for me. And there is one profession with more red flags than a pileup at the Indy 500: Punting. Punting the football.
I’m playing Madden football and I see that the LOWEST paid punter in the game receives $400,000 in compensation. FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS to kick a football. Don't confuse the punter with the kicker. The kicker aims the ball precisely through a set of poles. But the punter, oh no. As the punter, you just kick it. You just kick that ball as far as you can. Don't try assigning any extra mental responsibilities because their aren't any. Every now and then you try to aim it within ten yards of a certain spot, but other than that…OTHER THAN THAT, you just kick it as far as you fucking can. It’s your only job in life. That’s ALL you do.
If this is your only job in life, then how come punters get cut? How can your only job in life be to punt a football as far are you can and you be bad at it? I mean, if you get paid at least 400 grand a year, how can you mess that up? I would think you would practice in the off-season or something. It would seem that being a BAD punter results only from NOT trying to punt at all.
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I respect the sport of football in general and the players, but this position is the PUSSIEST position ever. It’s not like when you’re a little kid you punt a football around and answer adults with “punter” when asked what you want to be when you grow up. Nope, that would be embarrassing, even for a 6-year-old.
But this brings up another point. If the job pays so much—and I think 400k is a LOT of money—then why didn’t my parents convince me to punt when I was a little kid? Why couldn’t my dad just give me a football for my 5th birthday and teach me how to punt the ball? If I practiced it for say…15 minutes a day, I would be DAMN good. It’s not like he would have had to be evil about it either. I mean, Tiger Woods had to practice countless hours a day for every shot possible. All my dad had to do was put me in the field across the house and tell me to kick the ball. Just fucking kick it far. And if you get bored with that son, kick it high. I would've shut my mouth and pretended to wanna be an astronaut 'til I got to high school.
I’d love to hear the pep talk for a punter to do well in a game as opposed to the rest of the team. I really would. When coaches talk to a quarterback they say something like, “Okay, don’t mess this up, you have to win the game. It’s all up to you. Don’t get sacked, throw it to the open man, look for the blitz, use an audible.” Or some shit like that. But what about a punter? “Okay, go kick that ball.” And it’s not like you can LOSE the game for the team. A kicker can. A kicker can really fuck up and lose the game for the team and be fired and remembered only for that moment for the rest of his life. But a punter can’t unless he REALLY blows it. And if it gets blocked, then he can just blame the offensive line, or the long snapper (who would then get served on a platter to the rest of the team at Red Lobster).
I would love for a punter to explain this profession to someone from a foreign country or someone who had no connection to the rest of the world and had no idea what was going on with anything—like Chico, CA. Here’s what you say when someone from Chico asks what you do for a living: “Well…it’s really hard you see…someone throws a ball through his legs to me, and then I have to kick it as far as I can.” Then of course the sheltered Chicoan would ask, “So you do this all the time?” And the punter would reply, “No, about three times a week, for about three months out of the year.” Adding of course, “I hope our offensive line and long snappers are ready.”
God I wish I was a punter.