Examine a pair of pants. If the insides of the pockets are blue, you’re having a boy! If the pants appear to have pockets at first but you realize the fabric is sewn shut, it’s a girl!
Tear open an envelope. If you discover a dollar bill, you’re having a boy! If there’s only 81 cents inside, a girl is on her way!
Unwrap a gift-wrapped book. If you find the children’s classic The Little Engine That Could, you’re having a boy! If it’s The Little Engine That Could But Constantly Had to Prove Herself to Incompetent Male Trains, get ready for a baby girl!
Lift the lid of a toy box and look inside. If there’s a blue teddy bear, you’re having a boy! If it’s a nearly identical teddy bear that cost 14% more because it’s pink, a girl will arrive soon!
Hit a piñata with a stick. If a ton of candy spills out, you’re having a boy! If the candy is accompanied by a note that says “Are you sure you want to eat all that sugar? That’s a lot of calories,” that means it’s a girl!
Raise a glass to your guests to thank them for coming. If you’re able to finish your toast, you’re having a boy! If you’re interrupted by a preselected male guest, your baby is a girl!
Unwrap a piece of wall art for the nursery. If the featured quote is “Dream big, little one!” you’re having a boy! If it reads “You look prettier when you smile!” that one’s for a girl!
Light a candle. If it gives off a spicy, masculine scent, you’re having a boy! If the smell is an unsettling blend of disproportionate emotional labor, microaggressions disguised as jokes, and double standards for workplace behavior—overlaid with delicate floral notes—you’ll soon be parents of a girl!
Unzip a gym bag. If there’s a blue dumbbell inside, you’re having a boy! If you discover a sports water bottle printed with the adage “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels”… yup, baby girl!
Pour a can of beer into a glass. If it looks normal, chug that thing—you’re having a boy! If it smells a little off, it’s probably fine—but you know what? Better safe than sorry; someone might have slipped something in there. Guess what? You’re having a girl!
Reach into a gift bag to check what's inside. If it’s a tiny baseball hat emblazoned with the words “Ladies’ Man,” you’re having a boy! If you find a baby headband embroidered with “Destined to Be Judged According to the Madonna-Whore Dichotomy,” prepare for a girl!
Open a gift box. If you see a multi-tool pocketknife—screwdriver, pliers, bottle opener, and so on—you’re having a boy! If it’s a multi-tool with only three functions—mace, a stun baton, and a personal safety alarm—you’re having a girl!
Release a bunch of balloons. If they float away, you’re having a boy! If they rise a bit and then simply hang in the air—almost as if they’re afraid of being considered too ambitious—congrats on your baby girl!
Unroll a onesie to reveal the front. If it reads “Future President,” you’re having a boy! If it says “Future Presidential Candidate,” it’s for a girl!