Cement Mixer Swivel Chair – Updating the décor in your home while pinching pennies doesn’t have to be a drag. Under the dead of night, vault yourself over the flimsy chain-link fence surrounding your nearest construction site. If you’re looking for an apartment centerpiece with some WOW factor, then look no further than a commercial cement mixer. Once your guests sink into the metal drum, they won’t want to get up!*
*It’s a moot point anyway, because they will need a significant tug to dislodge their wedged ass.
Rebar Bed Frame – Known around the hardhat biz as “uncooked construction spaghetti,” these malleable little numbers can bend into just about anything. Simply heat a bundle to about 1,100 Fahrenheit and shape the rods into the rustic dream bed frame you’ve always wanted! And yes, you’re free to take as many as you need. Only the moon knows your secrets.
The Foreman’s Mini Fridge – The morning crew won’t be here for a few more hours. So pack your tension wrench and flathead screwdriver, ‘cause we’re picking some locks! This cute, retro addition to your living space can be found inside the project manager’s portable office. All those half-eaten ham and cheese sandwiches inside are yours too!
Blueprint Wall Art – You’re already inside the portable office, might as well roll yourself up some vintage wall art! And because literally no one understands how to read blueprints, you can proudly display the interconnected plumbing system of a future Golden Corral in your home without anyone knowing the difference.
A Handful of Nuts and Bolts – Don’t sneak off into the night with your new apartment finds just yet, you have one more item to check off the list! Find a big bucket of screws and plunge your hand in! Dig in until your forearm is fully submerged within the cold metal’s embrace. Take the opportunity to feel the calming satisfaction of hundreds of tiny screws surrounding your skin. Feel each intricate ridge, thread, and groove introducing themselves to your fingertips. Acknowledge the cold, unforgiving steel. Do not underestimate their size, for they have held together civilizations far older than the one you’ve come to know. These are gifts from Mother Earth, crafted by mankind’s ingenuity. Bow to the crippling grip of industry. The mighty handsaw. The resilient sand belt. The piercing, unrelenting jackhammer. These tools remain unwavering allies of production and yet you, a fool, shall one day return to dust. For this fleeting moment in time, you are one with these elements. Do not speak of this night to anyone. Your redecorated apartment was forged here on this hallowed ground.
BONUS: Take some screws home with you! Having a backup stash will always come in handy!