The old way of doing business? It’s long gone. The old way of disrupting business? It’s also long gone. We can’t wait for you to join our venture-backed experience. Take our hand… yeah, like that.
Introducing: Kompani. We’re disrupting the disruption industry. And we’re doing it all for you, stud.
The Kompani customer knows what he wants, and he wants it yesterday. And by he, we mean you. We’re being a little coy because, frankly, you make us kinda nervous. We even have butterflies right now, because you’re just so forward-thinking and confident with your spending dollars.
You crave the future of luxury and convenience. You envision a future in which you play by your own rules, which also happen to be our rules, which are nonexistent. Because the landscape of true innovation is a lawless one, where only the fearless can survive. Also, it costs $39.99 a month.
We want Kompani to be the concierge for greatness in your life, so you have precious time to spend on the things that matter most, like Twitter, and Reddit.
Let’s be clear. Your life is already great. Your life is—no exaggeration—perhaps the greatest life we’ve ever seen. You already have a semi-beard-situation going on, a t-shirt that’s hand wash only (your wife takes care of it), and a big, big smartphone…hell, you’re killing it, bro. We feel lucky to even be in your life at all. And honestly, we hate that you aren’t single.
Sometimes we feel like we should be paying you $39.99 a month.
Is our company necessary? No. As a glorified middleman encased in jargon, we’re probably the least essential service on earth, actually. Are we mostly just a nice website with scary-good SEO? Yup. But is our service very tempting to a certain type of aspirational consumer with an inflated sense of individuality plus disposable income? A person who's a special breed of demanding and expects to be catered to at all times? You bet your ass. (And may we say, what a terrific ass it is.)
With a member subscription to Kompani, you will receive our expertly-curated catalogue of start-ups in your market. And if you can’t decide on one, our algorithm will select a company for you. How does our business model work, you ask? Simple: kickbacks. We also hard-core sell your data.
Still not on board? That’s cool. You’re hard to please, which is manly as hell. But picture this:
Let’s say you want a nice meal delivered to your door in 30 minutes flat, because the only item in your fridge is a bottle of BBQ sauce from a condiment subscription box you stopped using in 2019. Sure, you could call a brick-and-mortar restaurant and order dinner directly through them… IF IT WAS 40 YEARS AGO! Phone calls are for cucks. And you’re a far cry from a cuck. You’re more like… the other guy in a cucking situation. Yeah.
Okay, so, meal time. You have to log in to one of your many delivery apps that are disrupting the foodservice industry. Which one should you pick? You scroll for like ten minutes. Those are ten minutes you’ll never get back. With Kompani, our algorithm can select a delivery platform for you, so this scenario will never happen again. That’s right, if you EVER get inconvenienced under our watch, we will personally fire every single one of our employees and start our business anew from scratch. That’s our core promise, because we… are falling in love with you.
Still not convinced? Okay, picture this, you macho, macho dude:
Let’s say you want a mattress delivered to your door in a vacuum-sealed box because you’re redoing the guest room. No one has ever stepped foot in that bedroom except the one time your wife made you sleep in there (we would never), but hey, buying stuff puts a smile on your face. (We get it! You deserve to be happy! We wear sneakers to work! Your smile completes us, tbh!) So, which company disrupting the mattress business is the best fit for you, you renegade demigod who walks among us? It’s hard to choose, since they’re all promoted on your favorite podcasts.
With a membership to Kompani, your problem is already solved. Then, that mattress will arrive as soon as you want it to, and not a moment later. If your mattress is even THIRTY SECONDS late, we will personally cash out our 401ks and give you every cent. We will also defeat, totally and without mercy, the mattress company that wronged you. We will remove them from our catalogue, hack their website, and scrub all evidence of their services from the internet. You will never have to be reminded of their shamefully slow pace again.
Sign up for a free month trial to Kompani now. If you don’t like what you get, I will personally skip town and disappear into the woods, because I don’t think I could ever bear losing you. Your customer satisfaction is my only priority in life. Call me.