And the Emmy Goes To...

Okay. The Emmys. Like the VMA's, a celebration of crap. I actually considered doing a running diary of the 2004 VMA's, but stopped watching at the ten minute point because my brain was about to pay homage to “Scanners.” Here's how far I got.

8:00 – I hope Shaq tears some cartilage.
8:04 – Where the fuck is the host?
8:11 – This is utterly terrible.
8:13 – I bet less people are watching this than read Ask Nicole.

One low blow deserves another.

Umm, gee I've only seen the Sopranos. Alias is only good because of Jennifer Garner. Brad Dourif should go back to voicing Chucky. I guess in the Sopranos parlay, I'll take Buscemi, because he took a shotgun to the face, and it looked pretty convincing.

Again, I've only seen the Sopranos. I don't menstruate so adios AMY. I always thought West Wing was overrated. Quick tangent alert: I don't know how many of you know Drea De Matteo, but she was Adrianna on Sopranos and ratted out Tony and the gang. She's also on that Joey travesty. But is she not busted? I always thought so, but my roommate Brian thinks she's “gorgeous.” Seriously. Maybe I'm wrong. But then, this is the same kid who labeled a girl in our old dorm “Cute Girl” who looked like the personification of a whale fart. I guess nothing accounts for taste.

I do enjoy Raymond, but I'm sick of that show winning awards. Megan Mullaly is the one semi-watchable aspect of that Will and Grace fagfest. In the Sex and the City three-way parlay, I'll stick to my sexist guns and pick Kristin Davis, oh so boneable on that show. Tangent alert: I was watching Sex and the City with my mom, and my dad walked in. He called me a tool for watching a chick show. I pointed out the hotness that is Kristin Davis and he sat down to watch the entire show. You don't understand, my dad doesn't watch anything but hockey and World War II in color on the History Channel. The fact that Kristin Davis kept him interested in a chick show for 24 minutes is very much worth a statue in my book.

Raymond gets trumped because, as I said, I'm sick of it winning awards. I've never seen Arrested Development because I owe it to my brain not to subject it to FOX. (I'm doing mental exercises to prepare for the baseball playoffs.) Sean Hayes is a flamer in real life and a flamer on that show, so that's not much of an acting job. I'll go with Niles, although he could never top Eddie in the acting department.

You know how I feel about Raymond. If you think I've seen Life With Bonnie, you haven't been paying attention or you think this is Beech's column. The last season of Friends sucked. Sarah Jessica Parker is way too hit or miss in the hot department (she couldn't hold a candle to Kristin Davis, who was like the '27 Yankees on that show). I'll go with the mom from Malcolm. I know, I know. The FOX principle. Fine, don't give an award. No more best actress. Set the feminist movement back a couple of years. See how I feel.

Okay, it's Larry David. No fucking question. If you've seen even a minute of that show, you will agree it's the goddamned funniest thing on television. Practically the whole show is improvised, and the humor destroys, just DESTROYS everything you see on network TV. Fine, make an easier pick like Joey or Frasier. Or give John Ritter some contrived sympathy award for a half-wit sitcom. Ignore the funniest show on TV. Go ahead. See if I care. Assholes.

Umm, the only one I've seen is the Sopranos, and I never though Carmella was that impressive. West Wing is garbage. Never got into Law and Order (by the way, my dad is disowning me for that last statement). Screw Joan of Arcadia. I guess I'll rely on my old principle to just pick the hottest nominee, and if you don't know who I'm talking about, you probably can't even read this column.

Might as well go with Tony. I didn't even know the Practice was still on the air. 24 is crazy overrated. West Wing, meh. The only thing I know about Without a Trace is that I get bombarded by ads for that show every time I try to watch a Pats game.

Why is Will and Grace here? Come on, have the gay pride parade somewhere else. How in the blue fuck is WILL and WILL any funnier than Scrubs? Can you tell me? Anyone can make 26 minutes of gay jokes, and pump one annoying guest star after another up the viewer's arse. Yuck.

Anyway, it's Curb. For all the reasons I picked Larry David. The show is pure funny. There are two types of people: people who find Curb hysterical, and people without a sense of humor. (I guess I could include people who can't afford HBO, but poor people don't matter. Sorry, I've been watching too much President Bush.)

Kind of a weak class. I guess it's Sopranos by default, even though last season was weaker than others, it still had some nice shocks (death of Adrianna, FBI bust in the finale). Besides, is anyone prepared to hear: “DON'T MISS EMMY WINNING SMASH JOAN OF ARCADIA, Wednesday nights on CBS!”

PREDICTION: Sopranos