Man Walking on Subway Tracks
Why didn’t he wait for the train? Was he practicing his balance by walking on the rail? Did his Subway Tracks Walking Club abandon him? Talk about a time when your friends bailed on you at a random Staten Island party and you had to find your way back to the city, at midnight.
Two Raccoons Occupying Backyard
Why does Staten Island have so many raccoons? Is it the landfill? “Occupying”…Sounds like “Occupy Wall Street.” What kind of income inequality might two raccoons be worried about? Consider the types of hand signals raccoons might use during an Occupy Backyard type of protest.
Water Rescue of Person Who Fell off Ferry
Fell or jumped? From where you were sitting, it sure looked like a leap of despair. Why did you take the ferry instead of calling an Uber, anyway? Who’s working in that Lower Manhattan office this late at night? Is it your stepdad, the ex-cop who has never invited you to see his office, and works in securities? Hmmm… “Works in securities”… more like “Works insecurities,” right? Discuss.
Shaking Building
Is that building shaking or are Greg’s mom’s muscle relaxers finally kicking in? Is it okay to take pills with grain alcohol? If that building is really shaking, shouldn’t you call your stepdad, the ex-cop?
Woman Attempting to Hit People with a Mop
God, this ferry is the worst.
Two Suspects Scaling Scaffolding
You’re lost in Lower Manhattan, and the trains stop running soon. How will you get home? Where are those guys going? Are they trying to get to the third floor, which appears to be a Marshalls?
People Fighting in Marshalls
Describe a time when you needed a last-minute gift, and the closest store was Marshalls. But when you got there, it was closed. Why is this particular Marshalls open this late? Is it Black Friday? Is it White Saturday? That’s funny, White Saturday… Where would you put this information about a late-night Marshalls, so you remember it in the future?
Raccoon on the Loose
WTF? Lower Manhattan has raccoons now?! Describe a pet you had as a child. Where did you get it? How old were you? Was your mother dating cops then?
Firefighters Rescue Cat atop Tall Fence
What kind of cat? Why is it always a firefighter and never a cop? Can cops even climb fences? Sure didn’t see any climbing that scaffolding to go after those two suspects heading to Marshalls. Why did your mom marry that ex-cop, anyway? Why is he always encouraging you to hold his gun?
Chicken Spotted on Sidewalk
How did it get there? Who is the owner? Why couldn’t it be fried chicken? God, you’re hungry. You haven’t eaten since this morning, and all that basic bitch had at her party was Costco crudites. What kind of magical powers would a chicken have?
Large Hawk Walking
Okay, seriously, what kind of pills were those? What species of hawk walks instead of flying? If it isn’t injured, is it on strike? Does it know the chicken? Talk about a time when you saw a dog get hit by a car and had to break the news to the owner. You carried the dead dog over to their house, and when you climbed the few steps to their porch, what was happening?
Vicious Raccoon on Porch
Oh for fuck’s sake.