>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
June 15, 2005
Nathan: Dude, I heard your sister’s single again—
Frank: Save it Nate. No one’s doctor is that good.
If you’re a heterosexual male and you’re anything like me, one day you’ll end up having sex with a friend’s sister. You won’t intend on violating rule #11 of the Code of Guy, but you will. Here’s how it happens.
The summer season comes to Tampa (where you live, coincidentally) and your circle of friends tightens. Anyone with any common sense and a domicile in a colder climate returns north. The next thing you know, you’re consistently hanging out with one of your remaining friends and his sister. Now, his sister never hung out with you before, but all her friends are up north so she’s spending time with her big brother, and in doing so, she’s getting to know you a little better.
“Just because you’re the kind of guy who’s prone to having sex with his friend’s sister does not mean you must be known as this to society.”
And she keeps making eyes at you.
And she keeps smiling at you.
And she says she thinks you’re funny.
And she says she thinks you’re cute.
And if she touches your arms and thighs anymore during casual conversation, you’re gonna end up grabbing her by the back of her neck, slamming her up against the wall (or any other surface—you’re not picky) and tackling her with passion that can only be inspired by forbidden lust on a hundred degree day.
You know it’s gonna happen. She knows it’s gonna happen. And surprise surprise, it happens. So, what do you do now? You’ve got some serious issues. You’ve got to keep a friend happy, a woman happy and you’ve still got to look out for number one (e.g. your supply of alcohol, favorite baseball team and possible romantic encounters with other women). So, how will you look out for all of these things? Luckily for you, you’ve got me and I’ve got a column. So here we go, again. Advice time, baby. Pull up a chair.
1. Ask his permission. Never mind that it’s too late for getting the OK. Start off with a sly line like, “Wow, getting to know your sister over these past few days has been a real eye opener.” Get him talking about how much he loves her and how great she is, agree wholeheartedly with him, and then let something slip like, “I’d love to have a girlfriend like her.” Best case scenario: he gives you permission without you asking. Worst case scenario: he at least knows that you’re interested and won’t feel as if he was lied to when he finds out that she’s riding you like a cowgirl rides a horse in a hail storm.
2. Put your friend first. He’s been there for years. She’s been there for days. It’s not tough to figure out who’s more important to you. Make sure she knows how important it is for her to stay quiet about your fling. Make sure she understands how important your friendship with her brother is; also, do not degrade or disrespect her in any way, for to do so is to disrespect him and you don’t want to upset your friend. You will however, want to get rid of her. Doing so should not be tough as long as you remember #3 here.
3. Spend more time with him than her. If she and you are spending some quality time together, invite him over. Let him intrude on everything the two of you do together and eventually she’ll realize who you like more and she’ll break it off with you, which means everyone can still be friends. Whereas, if you break it off with her, she’ll never talk to you and he may believe all the things she says about you being a sexual degenerate, emotionally insensitive scumbag. And no one wants that. Especially you, Scumbag.
Just because you’re the kind of guy who’s prone to having sex with his friend’s sister does not mean you must be known to your society as the kind of guy who’s prone to having sex with his friend’s sister. In the end, the goal here is friendship and fun in the summer. And as long as you respect your friend and his family, there’s no reason why you can’t bang the ever-loving shit out of his sister on occasion. After all, that’s what friends are for. That, and helping you move.
(If you’d like to read more of Nathan DeGraaf, visit his blog at www.pointsincase.com/nathan)