Leader Ron Jupiter of the Church of Imminent Salvation has for several years been my guide to personal healing and self-actualization, and together our congregation has prepared ourselves both mentally and physically for the Great Awakening when we transcend our Earthly existences and morph our souls into solar energy to free ourselves from Earth’s temporal material incarcerations and travel to Heaven in the clouds of Jupiter.
We have been waiting patiently for Leader Ron to get the signal from his angelic messenger that it’s time to poison our Earthly bodies so we can enter the metaphysical dimension of ethereal purity, and now, finally, Leader Ron says it’s time, tomorrow! Hallelujah!
However, Leader Ron has been acting a little strange in recent days. To begin with, he mandated all our congregation stash our cash, valuables, and antique furniture at his house “for safekeeping,” he said. But I thought the whole point of tomorrow’s apocalyptic ceremony was that we were discarding our material possessions and abandoning fiat currency’s embodiment of societal inequality. It’s not like we can bring our dollars and favorite belongings to Jupiter!
Leader Ron also just told us he has binged through seasons 1 and 2 of The Office last night, and can’t wait to find out how the will-they-won’t-they story arc of Jim and Pam ends. I’m sorry to be a little judgmental on how Leader Ron spends his free time, but I can’t understand the point of starting a ten-season show the day before our salvation! Shouldn’t he be praying, or going over final details with his angel messenger? And there are literally not enough hours left to even get halfway through the series!
Also, yesterday he told us that instead of poisoning himself first to guide us like has long been planned, Leader Ron is now saying the angel wants him to lead from behind and go last in case any stragglers are in danger of getting lost. He says his greatest fear is someone falling behind on the journey and losing out on the magnificent opportunity for Jupiterian paradise.
I don’t mind poisoning myself first if I can be useful and help lead the group on our great trek, but I don’t exactly know the route, you know? Ron told me “everything will be fine,” but he hasn’t given me any directions or guidance. It’s not like my ethereal soul can bring along a map, and Jupiter is pretty far away, you know?
And, worst of all, my heathen friends who have never respected my commitment to the Church of Imminent Salvation just showed me that Leader Ron started a Tinder account! I couldn’t believe it! Leader Ron has said for months that our transcendence group is totally full, and he can only safely take a maximum of us 50 faithful followers, so what could possibly be the point of him trying to meet new people all of a sudden?
Even more suspicious, his Tinder bio on the app says he’s “looking to settle down,” and that “Christian monogamy” is very important to him, but if that’s the case, then what was the point of all these orgies he’s been hosting at our church for the last five years? I’ve heard him say a thousand times that our bodies are unimportant, and mere carnal vessels for our souls, and seen him prove it by subjecting himself to countless creative penetrations!
Literally none of this is adding up! So tomorrow when we start poisoning ourselves, I’m thinking I’ll pour mine out and fake the act of drinking it just to keep an eye on Leader Ron. I’ll find out for myself if Ron is REALLY committed to Jupiterian salvation!