Luke: I could have gotten a job saving lives.
Me: Why didn’t you?
Luke: I hate people.
Me: You know, I have never used the police for anything. I think I should get a refund on my taxes. The cops have never been a benefit to me.
Mike: Yes they have. You just don’t know it.
Me: You mean like when they catch a criminal who could have killed me or something?
Mike: No, I mean like when they don’t arrest you for doing the stupid shit you do.
Me: Wow. I guess if you look at it like that—
Mike: You owe them money.
Me: Dang, I’m joining the Benevolence Society.
Me: These are the best chicken wings in Tampa. How come I never knew about this before?
Mike: Because they smoke ‘em. So they run out. And after they run out, it takes two hours to smoke another batch. So no one ever tells anyone about them because they don’t ever want them to run out early. You hear me?
Me: Relax Gigantor, I won’t tell a soul.
Mike: Nathan, I’m trusting you with something very important to me. Misappropriation of this knowledge could lead to bodily injury and possibly death.
Me: I didn’t know you had such a serious side.
Mike: Nathan, women come and go, so I don’t take them seriously. Same with jobs, friends and just about everything else. But the best chicken wings in Tampa? You think I’m gonna mess with that?
Me: Obviously not.
Mike: You’re damn right, obviously not. Now promise me you’ll lock your mouth and throw away the key.
Me: What are we, seven?
Mike: Lock your mouth, Nathan!
Me: I think I may be drunk.
Peek: Well yeah.
Jeff: Usually sober people don’t throw up on my patio.
Me: I love pelicans.
Peek: Do the poem.
Me: I’ve done it like 20 times. Don’t you have it memorized by now?
Peek. No. Do the poem.
Me: Okay, fine. ‘A marvelous bird is the pelican/His beak holds more than his belly can/ He can stash enough in that beak/ to eat for a week/I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can.’
Rachel: Did you write that?
Me: No, it’s from an old episode of Columbo.
Peek: As opposed to all those new episodes of Columbo?
Me: So, after a long night of drinking heavily, your girlfriend wakes up, staggers to work on three hours sleep, and commences assembling missile guidance systems.
Peek: Pretty much.
Me: Well, I feel less safe already.
Doug: That guy gives nudists a bad name.
Me: I’m thinking about becoming a male prostitute.
Lauren: I don’t think your eyes are sexy enough.
Me: My eyes? You think my eyes are holding me back? You think I’m one pair of colored contacts from total whoredom? I’m there.
Lauren: You might wanna get back in the gym, too.
Me: Okay, scratch that one.
Greg: So, how do you write all those snippets? I never see you with paper or a tape recorder.
Me: I just wake up and try to remember all the things that made me laugh from the previous day.
Greg: So, do you think you get any of them wrong?
Me: Oh yeah. But none of the people in the snippets ever read the snippets, and it’s not like they’d remember verbatim anyway.
Greg: So you might as well be making them up.
Me: I guess.
Greg: Dude, could you make me sound like, really smart?
Me: I doubt it.
Sheila: It’s like a hundred degrees and I haven’t had to put my sunglasses on in three days ‘cause of all the storms. I hate Florida summers.
Me: You work nights.
Sheila: Shut up.