Greg: Dude, that guy is really pissing me off.
Greg: Dude, that guy is really pissing me off.
Mike: He’s Nathan. That’s what he does. I’m surprised it took this long before he pissed off someone today.
Me: Yeah, that was almost six hours.
Mike: And you were drinking.
Me: Maybe I’m mellowing.
Mike: Yeah, you’re getting old. You just can’t piss people off like you could back in the day.
Me: By the time I’m forty, I’ll probably be a nice guy.
Mike: Yeah, I doubt it.
Me: So, you fucking her now?
Tom: Dude, please, ‘fucking' is not the correct nomenclature. It’s ‘dating.’ Have some class.
Me: Whatever, Walter.
Me: I really upset some people with my latest column.
Steve: What was it about?
Me: It was a To Do list for the women of America. I basically said that they need to learn how to cook and quit bitching and think rationally.
Steve: And that upset some people? I’m shocked.
Me: So Jennifer Porter hits four little black kids, kills two of them, leaves the scene of the accident and only gets two years of house arrest. You don’t think racism played a part in this, do you?
Brian: Of course it did.
Me: But Jennifer Porter was Cuban.
Brian: Yeah, but from a racist perspective that’s better than black. Everything except extremist Muslim is better than black.
Me: How do the racists determine this?
Brian: It’s a complex equation. I believe it takes into consideration the amount of Welfare dollars spent and average length of prison terms, and then factors in the employment rate.
Me: You so wrong.
Brian: It’s a prejudiced world. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Me: Whatever, man. Your Schwaztika’s showing.
Ryan: Man, Terrell Owens is suspended for the season. I think the Eagles made the right move there.
Me: I don’t.
Tony: Uh oh, get comfortable. This one’s gonna take a while.
Ryan: How can you be on T.O.’s side, Nate? He’s a shit talker.
Me: I’m not on T.O.’s side. I just think that the team should be above the media. Whatever any of those guys say to the press should be ignored completely. They have a job and it’s on the field. Everything else is crap.
Tony: They’re not running classified ops for the CIA, Nate. They’re in the public eye.
Me: Who the hell was talking to you?
Tony: I’m just saying that part of their job is handling the media. It ain’t 1940 now. They got cameras everywhere.
Me: Was T.O. a good receiver this year?
Tony: He talked smack about his quarterback and his coach.
Me: Did he catch the freaking passes?
Tony: Yes, he caught the passes. But there’s more to it than that. It’s about respect.
Me: If he’s that bad a teammate then just stop blocking for him. Don’t pull this suspension crap.
Tony: So what you’re saying is, suspending him for being a blatant distraction is wrong, but letting the opposition kill him for it is okay.
Me: Exactly.
Ryan: Dude, I don’t know about you, Nate.
Me: Here’s how I see it. If I have a job making widgets, and I make widgets better than anyone, and I bitch about how much I hate working with everyone else because I think they suck, the CEO wouldn’t fire the best widget maker; he wouldn’t even suspend me.
Ryan: Unless you sexually harassed his daughter.
Me: Well, yeah, but that’s not really a part of this scenario.
Ryan: Why not? Maybe the Eagles feel as if they’ve been sexually harassed. Maybe they’re hurt and wounded on the inside and all they want to do is curl up in a ball and die.
Me: Dude, I don’t know about you, Ryan.
Carrie: What’s a widget?
Ryan: It’s a made up thing that they use in economics classes to represent a product.
Carrie: Oh, so you can’t really make them?
Ryan: No, you can only fake make them.
Me: It’s supposed to be a game of men. If a guy wants to talk smack, that’s one thing. But let the team take care of it.
Ryan: That’s mob rule, dude. You can’t just let some dude talk smack about your team, especially if he’s on your team. There’s no I in team, man.
Me: There’s no I in cliché either.
Ryan: Wait a minute. Yes there is.