Stacey: What are you thinking right now? Oh God, don’t look at me like that. I know that’s such a cliché question and so stupid. I’m sorry.
Me: No problem.
Stacey: But seriously, what are you thinking about, right now?
Me: I’m trying to think of a column topic. The hardest part is coming up with the idea.
Stacey: Well, it’s obviously not the writing.
Me: Everyone’s a critic.
Me: The way these two teams are playing right now, I wish a bomb would destroy the whole field so we could unconsciously sugarcoat how god-awful this game was, you know, to preserve the memory of the dead players.
Craig: That’s Nate’s language for, “This game sucks.”
Stacey: How many children do you want?
Me: How many you got?
Me: It’s good to see you’re still single and don’t have any children. Everyone else is married and has kids.
Ryan: Way to go. Now you just fucking jinxed me. I hope you’re ready to be an usher at my wedding soon, asshole.
Stacey: You ever think about learning an instrument?
Me: Sometimes.
Stacey: I think you should play the guitar. It’s sexy, and you’d look good with one.
Me: This is the part of the conversation where I turn the television back on.
Me: How come everyone always just assumes that whenever I go out, there’s a strong possibility I could end up in jail?
Mom: Nate. Come on now, honey. I raised you. I’m speaking from experience, here.
Stacey: So, I think you should use this body spray, then accent it with this cologne. It could be your signature scent.
Me: My what?
Stacey: Your signature scent. You know, the smell that defines you.
Me: It’s times like this I wish I could make myself fart on cue.
Me: So, does your fiancée know the kind of stuff we did when we were kids?
Aaron: Oh yeah, she knows all about how we spent our youth volunteering at the local churches.
Me: I get it. I get it. My mouth is closed.
Aaron: No stories.
Me: Not even the one about the time you got arrested for driving drunk on the train tracks?
Aaron: Especially not the one about the time—Hi, honey—you hooked up with that stupid slut.
Kelly: What?
Aaron: I’m just trying to steer Nate into the world of respectful conversation. I don’t want his odd lifestyle to ruin our night out.
Me: I’ll be good I promise.
Kelly: Oh, you couldn’t really bother me. I have three brothers.
Me: Any of ‘em get a DUI while driving on train tracks?
Kelly: Uh, no…
Stacey: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
Me: Today?
Stacey: No, in your whole life.
Me: Wow, that’s kind of a tough question. I’ve done a lot of stupid things. I couldn’t even begin to tell you. I wouldn’t know where to start.
Stacey: Yeah, that’s what every girl wants to hear… dumbass.
Me: See? I did it again.