You guys have no idea how happy I am right now. I mean, I’m freaking grinning from ear to ear. I woke up today in a good mood because a) the week has been a fantastic mix of great living, loving, partying and drinking and b) it’s Friday, and for us nine-to-fivers of the world (God bless the working stiff!), that still means something and c) the playoffs are coming, the playoffs are coming, the playoffs are coming. So I’m freaking thrilled. And since I know that you know that I know that it really is the little things in life that make us happy, let’s take a look at the top ten little things that helped make this week great.
10. I watched the Trojans lose the National Championship because they were stupid.
I don’t know why, but watching an overrated, over-hyped team lose a game because they’re morons is like watching the wheels fall off Saddam Hussein’s tricycle while he’s riding it. Just great times all around.
9. I won $375 gambling on football.
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie, Color of Money but you should. In that movie, Paul Newman (as the aging Fast Eddie Felson) states the following, “money won is twice as sweet as money earned.” He’s right. I mean, there’s something gratifying about cashing a paycheck from a hard week’s work—you know, that “Wow, I earned this” feeling—but there’s something, well, let’s just call it “grossly rewarding”… Yeah, that’s it. There’s something grossly rewarding about winning money. It just feels really good, like really, really good (just gross amounts of good right there) and it actually is monetarily rewarding. So it’s grossly rewarding. I like that. I think that’s how it feels, and if you disagree, well fuck you.
There, I said it. I hope you’re happy, Jerk.
8. And nobody I know got killed today in South Central LA.
I gotta say it was a good day. I didn’t even have to use my A.K. (Remember when Ice Cube was tough?)
7. I haven’t heard that stupid Nickelback song once this week.
You know the song. You know you hate it. You know a piece of you dies every time someone plays that song on a jukebox at a pub causing three or four dumb girls to say, “Ooh, I love this song,” while you glance around for the sharpest implement on which you could impale yourself, lest you hear that piece of crap song one more time. “Look at this photograph…” No! And you can’t make me. God, I hate that song. And you hate it, too. (This is just one of those things I have to accept as universally true. This song sucks, and we all know it. There will be no debate. Keep this line moving, thank you very much.)
6. Highs were in the 70s; lows in the 50s
Sure, it’s getting cold now. And I’ll be shivering this weekend. But the week has just been beautiful. Beautiful. One might even say “grossly beautiful” but one never wants to push it.
Or does one?
5. Every pair of socks I’ve put on this week has been brand new.
Thanks Mom and Dad. If I were a billionaire, I’d wear new socks every day I had to wear socks. I mean, why not, right?
4. I adopted a Malaysian girl.
Just kidding. I wanted to make sure you were still paying attention.
3. I ate steak twice this week.
I mean, that’s a great feeling. Two medium rare porterhouses in the same week. That’s America, right there.
2. I found $20 on the ground.
This was the coolest thing. I was visiting one of my favorite parks (Lettuce Lake Park in Tampa) where I reached down to pick up a can that some disgusting bastard had tossed into nature, and underneath it was an old vinyl wallet with no identification of any kind and a wet twenty dollar bill. To borrow a phrase from Eric Cartman, “Sweet.”
1. I got two free Cuban sandwiches for lunch.
And these were quality, could-have-been-from-straightoutta-Lil-Havanna-in-Miami type sandwiches. Just damn good eats.
And so to recap, sometimes it’s the little things like steak, sandwiches, successful wagers and new socks. And sometimes it’s the big things like sex, football and playoff football weekends. But sometimes, when the stars align the right way for you, well, you get both the little things and the big things working right.
And the next thing you know, you’re looking in the mirror and wondering how you earned that shit-eating grin, half-knowing that it won't last because all good times end.
Happy weekend, peoples. Here's to you and yours.