I AM IN AWE of how you pushed through your lower back pain and chronic prostatitis to get out the giant Rubbermaid containers of Lego.
I’m not like other guys. I’ve embraced my feminine side. Don’t you see my many rings?
I walked on and on, finally reaching the end of the line alongside Route 276 just outside King of Prussia, Pennsylvania.
Grab yerself a seat by the fire, take a swig of this here moonshine, and connect with me on LinkedIn.
The children do not eat fruits or vegetables. It’s important that they do not consume any kind of plant, nothing that has been grown of the earth.
I heard you call me a weenie under your breath and that makes it hard for me to focus. Could we all agree to put a moratorium on the word weenie?
I threw out my back yesterday and can’t even move today. I’m going to need to take a sick day. (Translation: My cat is sleeping on my lap)
First up, we’ve got That Email You Sent Your Boss Last Week Regarding Your Upcoming Time Off.
Do you like charades? Well you’ll love it when my college acquaintance puts "Malcolm Gladwell" in the bowl for you to act out.
Your friend could have an annoying voice, or he only talks about his personal issues and you’d rather not listen to that during your hour commute.
Please refrain from kicking the waxwork likeness of Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald, between his legs.
Take better care of skin. Already looking like middle-aged 17-year-old
I mean, surely five minutes have already passed since I started this internal monologue. Oh, it’s only been 30 seconds? Well.
The public thinks this job is all colorful vinyl and happy bouncing. They're wrong. Catastrophically wrong.
How come I could tell where everybody was in space? Did you mean for the shots to make me feel things?
Jesus declared, “Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, because of this table I built. See that consistent grain?”
Don’t you love it? It’s got a nice high collar, but three-quarters-length sleeves, so it’s not too formal.
My house got robbed and my tree did nothing. In fact, I’m pretty sure it gave the burglars the alarm code.
We settled our feud with the local breeder, and will once again have nine living, breathing reindeer on site as in days of yore.
What time are we getting coffee later? The Arabian Peninsula has always been one of the harshest environments on Earth, and 800 A.D. was no exception.
Please join us in the lobby to celebrate Christmas! We will scrounge up a folding chair or two and everyone will be afraid to sit.
How is it that my morning routine is simultaneously killing me while also helping me barely cling to dear life?
Nadine rips open the presents, revealing these primitive analog relics. But by noon, she’ll have forgotten about all of you.
This snowman wedding racket is a disgrace to the good name of clergymen everywhere.
You submitted some of your favorite pieces that we published this year, including plastic bags, grapes, and an active volcano.
You: Is there a financial component? Boss: Who needs money when you have the love of a decorated lump of minerals?
When was the last time my name came up and someone said, “Oh, you mean the guy who ruled over the greatest period of expansion in the Aztec empire?”
I’m on thin ice with my manager, Trayson, and I can't afford another marinara mishap. Please, my job is on the line here.
I called both my parents to tell them that I loved them, then I drove exactly 5 MPH above the speed limit to work.
Get this: he whispers to me. Secrets mostly, and sometimes the weather. Yeah, most people are really jazzed when I tell them.
1. How long have you been putting this off? a. One year. b. Three years. c. Five years. d. My child is, if we must get technical, a member of Generation X.
Our Best of 2024 articles feature a Furby boyfriend, a leering train conductor, a pugnacious philosopher, a hip and out-of-shape dad, and more!
If you still need more time, we get it. Everyone reads at their own pace, but you must be at least halfway through, right?
I felt a little weird so I went to the bathroom. And—I’m sorry if this is TMI—but I just started fucking bawling man.
Yes, I want to see my friend’s joke about pouring milk in the bowl before cereal, but I also want a bot to direct me to pussy in bio.
After a decade of not giving them a dime for any of their creative output, I just don’t understand why they would call it quits.
Disappointing Truth: Stonehenge is just another case of mass hysteria. In reality, of course, rocks can’t be balanced on top of each other.
Apathy doesn’t gel with our mission of making dogs better-looking with the transformative power of AI.
"Sounds like a nightmare. Tell me all about it."
Text MISS YOU if you're counting down the minutes until you can hold me in your arms.
Now the new books tell me that I am no longer in print and all the Borders are gone.
I learned that another billionaire you all despise was going to gather you for a similar dinner next week—and I one upped him!
It will be a chance to network over a sweet treat with other gladiators who, in a few days, will try to clobber the life out of you.
To medal in the Turkey Trot, you have to defeat seasoned fitness freaks and erratic savages who only run once a year.
We couldn’t have possibly known the janitor would return as a scarred ghoul hellbent on murdering teens. And besides, they’re YOUR dreams!
“When we come back…The Rockettes will perform” (They won’t)
If you think Thanksgiving is a time when we could all come together, you haven’t met my family after I poke and prod.
And I couldn't help but notice the massive collage of wanted photos in front of your fine establishment. I'm here to hunt these bastards down.
It is imperative we observe the appropriate time to ring in the season, as that “ring” is the alarm which awakens Santa from his 11-month slumber.
Many respond just as you have, with eyes glazed over with astonishment and mouths agape, almost asking to be fed more knowledge.
As your mayor I promise to deal with the blights of this city: dozens of unfilled potholes, a lack of affordable housing, and obviously, Greg.
Listen, I can certainly understand your surprise about all this.
Just over and over again, and it’s been like three hours. Or possibly thousands of years, time sort of has no meaning here.
Will it scrape along a Toyota Camry, taking off seven inches of paint and cost the owner hundreds of dollars?
2:00 PM — The girls have worked up an appetite after all the screaming and feces throwing. Head to bottomless brunch.
A single smudge on an otherwise clean French door? No worries! An entire handprint? It’s a crime scene.
But friend, we are far from alone. We share this space with a legion of bugs.
But I really need to keep my weekends free in case my brother gets the jet skis or NYT Cooking puts out a really bomb 12-hour stew.
There is currently a Starburst-flavored C4 energy drink wedged underneath the brake pedal of my car.
The very moment I use my turning signal I will be blasted sky-high. You can imagine the headache this has brought upon me.
Stimulate Your Baby’s Senses: But avoid actual stimulants, like coffee and Red Bull.
Don't be fooled by what may look like simple affection. This is a manipulation tactic meant to keep you emotionally reliant on the Narcissist.
Is it even a crime to steal pasta? Oh right, it is.
I like to say we should glorify God in everything we do, but is it really “glorifying” the Lord when you’re sucking major ass in the dodgeball arena?
But please whisper these questions. I fell into this lion’s den at the zoo and the lions are sleeping. I want to keep it that way.
I took an “I Voted” sticker and slapped it on. The anti-participation trophy faction in the stands booed this profusely.
I have to defend the rich, so that in a theoretical future where I become ultra-wealthy, I can benefit the same way they do now.
George Clooney here, I’m reaching out as a supporter of the Democratic party. Your time is valuable, so I’ll be blunt. We’re going to rob a casino.
You programmed the screens to only play "The Fast and the Furious"—my favorite movie... in 2006.
Now you’re thinking, “Wait, is that kid’s sexy childless uncle visiting from somewhere cool like Denmark?”
To follow the opera’s story, you don’t need to be fluent in Italian, German, or hieroglyphics.
North Carolina, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas — A bottle of your signature barbecue sauce (signature must be on bottle)
Fine, I’ll give you a hint: It’s a fictional human character from film, TV, video games, literature, or social media of the past 100 years.
Paper Clips (Smooth Finish): You know the best jazz bars. Your turntable was designed by a Nasa engineer. You run marathons but don’t appear to sweat.
The renowned Etsy enamel button maker takes on his evil counterpart, the mysterious masked man known as the Deviant Artist.
The Claim: What did you call a pile of cats? (a Meowtain) Our Rating: FALSE. A group of cats is called a Clowder.
“I am caught in this bear trap and I’m in grave danger” is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Tight up there with “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”
Obviously, nobody wants to hear the funny thing I wrote, right? I know you’re all staring at me, since my laugh set off the smoke alarms.
Just glancing at this green expanse makes me burst with joy. It is the same feeling I had on my wedding day, and on the day you were born.
Take it from me, the CEO who only has your best interests at heart: There's a perfectly reasonable explanation for everything
Lou had the t-shirt cannon, we made hard eye contact, and then he shoots the cannon in the complete opposite direction.
The crumbs in my bed sheets, the chocolate smear on my PJs—I don’t know, maybe I wanted to get caught.
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
Let’s pray this doesn't happen a third time. For peace of mind, I encourage you to hug your loved ones, renew your passport, liquidate assets, etc.
SpaghettAI involves unfathomable computing power, a series of data centers in Tuscany, and a gargantuan tub of tomato sauce in the metaverse.
You think my child is a heinous sociopath because she killed your family cat? Ever heard of formaldehyde and Damien Hirst? It's called art.
It goes without saying that when you've sniffed wax with as many husbands in home décor stores as I have, you tend to get jaded.
Fairweather Friend Season commences with the onset of colder temperatures, and/or bird migration, and/or closed-toed shoes.
A few alternative ideas for how to return to your youthful self and satisfy the urge to get back behind the desk.
As the sun sets on the horizon, I use the bottle opener to crack open some ice cold beers and bond with my shipmates.
In 200 feet, check the mirror to ensure your child hasn’t escaped the car seat like a little Gen Alpha Houdini.
Though I’ve never worked in the service industry nor do I know anyone who has, I know that, like all jobs, the head honcho is the daddy.
Scout is as energetic, spry, and sly as ever—the Paul Rudd of lab mixes. What’s his secret? “I sleep sixteen hours a day,” he deadpans.
We know this isn’t the news you wanted to hear, but unfortunately our pool was full of more qualified applicants or people we already know who lived closer.
I’m alone. There is no other person on Facebook. Every day, I open Facebook. I look for any sign of human life. There is none.
You’re always baking anyway, what's one more batch of brownies? What about 12 extra batches?
I'll have just spent $150 to have a breakdown when I could have done that for free, in my apartment, with ice cream.
You may be a smart and cultured individual who plays the mini crossword and watched that Stanley Tucci show about Italy. But it’s the reputation.
Half-Burnt Candle, Ongoing. Wax, glass, scented oils. In Half-Burnt Candle, the collector subverts tradition by leaving a candle half-burnt.
Using the mantra, “Don’t be a crazy person,” Amy has presented as a competent, securely attached parent at drop-off time.