Oct
11
Coffee Mate Unveils 2020 Seasonal Flavors
Minty Mask: A light treat with undernotes of chemically treated paper, this is sure to be a crowd pleaser (socially distanced, natch).
Oct
10
The CDC’s Updated Guidelines for Seven Minutes in Heaven
You will be scrubbed down and sterilized before entering the house. It will be painful, but it is the only way to ensure a clean pre-teen.
Oct
10
Welcome to Gnomebox, the Toddler Fashion Service with Totally Innocuous Motives!
You have a toddler; we have a dwindling supply of troops for a little ongoing altercation with neighboring trolls. Let’s help each other!
Oct
9
It’s Finally Time to Unveil the First Ever Musical About Cats
It’s true that after I woke up from my forty-five-year coma last week, I was tempted to change gears. But I couldn’t temper my passion.
Oct
9
Other Objectively Bad Things Joe Biden Won’t End
Joe won’t end gas stations sometimes having bathrooms but sometimes definitely not, with no discernable reason why.
Oct
9
We Regret to Inform You That the Acceptance Letter You Received Was Meant for a Different Carl
In our letter describing “a story like a deep gash, revealing what was underneath the skin,” we were referring to the other Carl’s short masterpiece.
Oct
8
Your Call Is Totally Unimportant to Us
Have you tried just turning your phone off and back on again? That usually seems to work for most dumb problems like yours.
Oct
8
Challenging History’s “Great” Men: The Case Against Professor Oak
Oak is a whitecoat-clad stranger who entices a ten-year-old (you) into his lab under the pretense of keeping you safe.
Oct
7
The Maid of Honor Speech I Gave as the Heartbeat of the Old Man with the Evil Eye Grew Louder and Louder from the Floorboards Below
It sounds like it’s coming from… Oh, Dave says it’s his heart beating quick, stealing glances at his beautiful new bride.
Oct
7
An Interview with the Monster Who Designed Your High School Uniform
And my 2007 Autumn/Winter collection: drab brown and caution-tape yellow. Such a foul combination that no one had ever thought to use it before!
Oct
7
Simon Says for the Voting Booth
While there's lots of bad information out there about voting, you clearly aren't someone to fall for silly distractions. Right?
Oct
6
The Breakfast Club Meets for Zoom Detention
What’s that? Did you have your hand up, Brian? You’re muted, Brian. No, you’re still muted. Never mind. We don’t have time for this.
Oct
6
How to Assert Yourself When a Buick Cuts Off Your Sick Subaru WRX
Your blood boils and your molars grind. Your throat rumbles with a primal growl. Now put those feelings into a five-step plan of action.
Oct
6
36 Hours in My Studio Apartment
Can We Chat?, 5 PM: Hop off the couch and back on Zoom with a terse smile pasted to your face. Don’t forget to put your shirt back on!
Oct
5
At 31, Maybe I Should Stop Choosing My Friends Based on Whether They Have an N64
Sure, I was just a young kid back then, but I don’t really see what else has changed. Is Perfect Dark not badass anymore? Because no one told me.
Oct
5
17 Financial Terms Redefined for COVID Times
Liquidity: How many glasses of wine Mommy will need before she can help with fifth grade math.
Oct
5
I’m the Elephant in the Room and I’m Tired of You Calling Me the Problem
How would you feel if, every time someone wanted to address one of these problems, they used you as the reason?
Oct
4
Excerpts from the Winners of the Inaugural Kraft-Heinz Sponsored YA Fiction Contest
“57 Varieties of Courage” Velveeta pulled her long red hair, the robust shade of Heinz ketchup, under a hood before leaving for the morning hunt.
Oct
4
Voter Registration Form for Citizens Hungry for Delicious Chili
While you’re on your way to vote why not stop for a bite to eat? Hildie’s Roadside Café is pretty close to your polling place.
Oct
3
I Hope You Don’t Get Anxious When a Run-On Sentence Is Internally Fragmented (Due to Parentheses or Lengthy Digressions) Before It Is Grammatically Resolved
You are in the middle of an elaborate run-on, that due to the nature of its structure, suggests a constantly-looming-but-never-arriving closure...
Oct
3
A Correspondence Between an Enterprising Engineer and the Chicago World’s Fair Commission of 1893
I call my contraption "Four Score and Seven Thrills Ago: Honest Abe’s Adventures in American Aviation." I look forward to hearing from you!
Oct
2
Enjoy Your “OnlyFans for Boomers” Free Trial
An alluring smile crossing his lips, he presses down, gently, on the button under his desk. Slowly, seductively, his desk rises to standing height.
Oct
2
We, the Deep State, Concede That All Your Conspiracy Theories Are True
In 1960 at our Annual Goat Blood-A-Palooza & Family Fun Day, we saw a vision of you, the chosen one. We’ve been trying to sabotage you ever since.
Oct
2
It’s Time We Start Talking about President Trump
For four years we've turned a blind eye to the despicable actions Trump has taken. It's time we focus the discussion squarely on him for once.
Oct
1
Now That I’ve Started Using a Bidet, I Realize That My Butthole Is Never Where I Think It Is
Each time, I smugly think to myself, “I’m right on this time.” I am not right on. Not ever. It always seems to be further back than I think.
Oct
1
I Am an Unemployed Doormat Thanks to Chris Wallace
“Chris,” I said, as a family of five wiped their shoes on his face. “What’re you doing here?” “Muhughuh,” he said, spitting out a piece of dogshit.
Oct
1
An Open Letter from an Unwanted Jar of Vaseline
I feel like you’ve been kind of distant lately. Hanging out with those new fancy ass moisturizers and toners you bought on sale at Sephora.
Sep
30
Termites and What Else to Expect on My Houseboat Airbnb
The smell is totally normal. Nothing’s leaking. A lot of boats smell like this. It could be all the eggs I’ve been eating lately.
Sep
30
Are You a Leftist or a Grown-Up Character from “The Breakfast Club”?
You like dark clothing and hate anything that smacks of hierarchy, unless it’s a revolutionary army. You’re a bit of an underdeveloped trope.
Sep
30
A Letter from Your CEO During These Unprecedented Times
Many, many months into quarantine, I’d like to ask, how are you? I am also obligated to wonder, how is your mental and physical health?
Sep
29
Backstories for the Stuffed Animals in Simulated Baseball Audience
Googly-eyed octopus behind catcher’s mound: Campaign manager for a commemorative Beanie Baby with a nascent political streak.
Sep
29
Merch from Elite Colleges I Did Not Attend
My Princeton hoodie, whose drawstrings are connected to my arms, so if you pull them you can turn me into your personal puppet.
Sep
29
I’m the Fly on the Wall and Trust Me You Do NOT Want to Be Me
I spend most of my time trying to escape the room so I don’t have to listen, but the door is always closed.
Sep
28
I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead and Truthfully, I’m Looking Forward to It
You can imagine what my relief will be when I go under for my final rest, a sleep from which I’ll never wake up disappointed.
Sep
28
It’s Really Really Really Important That We as 10-Year-Old Boys Stand Together and Get the Cooties Vaccine
Let’s band together like the professional basketball players and astronauts we want to be and save the world. Listen up, I got a game plan here.
Sep
27
5 Running Shoes That Won’t Help Me Escape the Reality That My Wife Is Having an Affair with David Attenborough
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
Sep
27
Your Best Man Will Not Commit to a Peaceful Transfer of Vows
I only had a raging meltdown at the one other wedding ceremony I’ve attended, and that bitch I was marrying totally asked for it (I love my wife).
Sep
26
Telemarketing Cold Call Script for Dugan’s Carpet Cleaning
Are you happy with the cleanliness of your carpets even with an assistant that doesn’t ask visitors to wipe their feet when they come in?
Sep
26
I’m the Friend Who Gets Emotional When Drunk and Needs to Tell You Something in the Bathroom Right Now
Like, it's actually important, it will only take a second or 30 full minutes, time means nothing to me, I'm 7 shots deep and had lettuce for dinner.
Sep
25
Wanna Hang Out?
If you need to use the bathroom, it's no problem. Just grab a pair of disposable gloves and follow the tape arrows around to the basement door.
Sep
25
Simple Lines to Drop for Getting Out of Babysitting Your Friends’ New Baby
Have you seen that Dateline episode about the swimming babies? / Anyone can breastfeed, right? / He'll fit right in my backpack!
Sep
25
The Run-Over Deer You’ve Decided to Use as a Symbol for Your Crumbling Relationship Has Had Enough
"Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll just lay here—lie here?" I’ll mutter, as you clamber out of your, I don’t know, 2012 Ford Fusion, with a Phish decal.
Sep
24
A Plea for a Return to Decency
Support us at The Lincoln Project and our quest to return America to her former glory: killing poor people but with good manners.
Sep
24
Responses to What People Wrote in My High School Yearbook
Hey, Capri, guess what? It wasn’t the best summer ever. Not even close. I worked the register at Walmart and got carpal tunnel.
Sep
24
The Ghost Host Would Like to Voice Some Concerns on This Haunted Mansion Tour
You do realize this, correct? That you’re inherently susceptible to novel, airborne viruses that could lead to your premature but inevitable death?
Sep
23
Nextdoor Posts in Stephen King Novels
Whoever is driving around a 1958 Plymouth Fury and running people over, you are being very RUDE! It is LATE!
Sep
23
How to Ensure Your Grandchild Suffers for Decades After Your Passing
Are you sinister enough? Do you relish the insulin whiplash of your grand-twit's metabolism as he devours a Werther’s Originals from your hand?
Sep
23
I Am Your Third-Party Vendor, and I Will Fulfill All Your Needs
The minute you opted for the Pomegranate Margarita, gave your credit card to your "date," and said, "this round's on me," you entered my domain.
Sep
22
We Only Use Murphy’s Oil Soap to Clean These Church Pews So Get the Fuck Off My Nuts with Your All-Natural Homemade Cleaner
“Pine?” No. That’s not “pine,” bitch. That’s the smell of me frolicking through the forest with Jesus.
Sep
22
Simon Says for All the Single Ladies
Simon says stomp your feet like you’re crushing all the couples who won’t invite you to their dinner parties, because they think you'll feel awkward.
Sep
22
I’m Sick of the Liberal Media Telling Me How to Think—That’s Why I Get All My News from the “Pets” Section of Craigslist
It doesn’t get more local than illegal reptiles for sale in your neighborhood, now does it? At least you know that they’re telling you the truth.
Sep
21
Michael Moore Documentaries of the Future
"Bowling for New Columbine (U.S. Moon Settlement C-97)": A look at how gun manufacturers played a pivotal role in early space colonization.
Sep
21
Word Problems for Pandemic Weddings
If Keith's dad had to pick between his son having pre-marital sex or spreading a dangerous virus to 80 loved ones, how quickly did he choose wedding?
Sep
21
Choose Your Own University-Approved Pandemic Teaching Option
You must create a class that can be started online, moved to in-person, then back online, all simultaneously. You have the weekend to figure it out.
Sep
20
An Open Letter from a Disgruntled Vampire
There are no dry cleaners open all night in my area, and so I have hundreds of bloody, or just plain smelly, shirts I don't know what to do with.
Sep
20
Re-Elect Me Sheriff of Kingston Falls or Gremlins Will Destroy Our Town Again, by Sheriff Frank
We saved lives, and now it’s safe again to watch Snow White without worrying that the theater will be overrun by pointy-eared monsters and explode.
Sep
19
Memo to Staff: It’s the Apocalypse, But That Doesn’t Mean It’s the End of the World
Tragic for sure. Indeed, many of you have asked what impact the end of the world will have on your 401(k) match.
Sep
19
A Conversation Between German Chancellor Angela Merkel and the Guy with a Mask Dangling from One Ear at the Speed-N-Go
My mask's jerky hole? Yes, what’s that? It’s a hole for eating jerky. I don’t think that works. Please don’t. Oh, you’re showing me already.
Sep
18
Beginner’s Guide to Writing a Birthday Text Message
Hoping things for the recipient is important. Also, there's a direct relationship between the message timing and its perceived value, so avoid delay.
Sep
18
Socially Distanced Sexual Fantasies
I watch other people do it: strangers in masks screaming at non-maskers in public places.
Sep
18
Scrapped Ryan Murphy Villain Origin Stories Before Creating “Ratched”
"Pazuzu": What was the demon up to before possessing young Regan MacNeil in 1973's "The Exorcist"?
Sep
17
Letter to Shareholders of MY LIFE, Inc. Regarding Recent Lower-Than-Average Performance
Co-founders, Mom & Pop LLC: You nurtured MY LIFE from wobbly startup to self-sustaining enterprise, and you’ll agree that it has paid dividends.
Sep
17
What I Imagine Happens in the Books I Tell People I’m Reading
Becoming by Michelle Obama - A brief history of the bureaucratic red tape Michelle had to jump through to change her last name from Robinson.
Sep
17
They Found a Biosignature on Venus, So I Guess I’m Leaving My Wife
I have to leave you, because an appreciable amount of a chemical compound that smells like feces has been detected in Venus’ upper atmosphere.
Sep
16
I’m Your HelloFresh Box—Are You Okay?
When I arrived on your doorstep (there was spring dew, I remember...), you were so excited. You opened me up right away, and we made magic together.
Sep
16
How to Mount a Sliding Barn Door and Get a Divorce at the Same Time
Step 4: Find the Studs Inside the Wall - Use a stud finder for this, and definitely don’t point it at yourself first and say, “Found one!”
Sep
16
I’ll Hold the Torch During This Treasure Hunt Because I’m Thoughtful
Before we go any further down this musty tunnel hunting for the Lost Amulet of Christopher Columbus, let's establish something: I'm Torch Guy.
Sep
15
I’m a Skydiving Instructor and If Anything, My Recurrent Syncope Should Make You More Inclined to Hire Me
The experience of being diagnosed with a serious condition that causes me to pass out a lot has turned me into a natural leader.
Sep
15
12 Bible Facts to Have on Hand for This Week’s Family Zoom Trivia Night
Held the top spot on The New York Times best seller list for 104,780 weeks before getting knocked off by Fifty Shades of Gray.
Sep
15
Here’s What That Really Cool Puddle of Water in the Middle of the Street Says About Your Gullibility
Most People Are Able to Successfully Trick You Into Doing Something Stupid: Notice how the water in this puddle ripples when you blow on it.
Sep
14
My Right to Wear a Beard of Bees Shall Not Be Infringed!
Any establishment that denies me entry because I have twenty-seven thousand honeybees swarming on his face has no regard for personal freedom.
Sep
14
Which Part of the Constitution Do You Identify With Most—Guns, Mail, or Tony Danza?
When I hear "go postal" I think of: A. Guns. B. The Post Office. The Post Office is the problem. C. Wasn’t that a video game from the ‘90s?
Sep
14
Diary of the Maritime Voyage of Keith Riggle, Boater for Trump
I have been crewed to the Ba Ba Buoy, as fine a ship as exists. She is equipped with not only White Claw, but also Truly Hard Seltzer & Twisted Tea.
Sep
13
Yes, There Is an Active Serial Killer Living in Your Building and Yes, We Are Still Raising Your Rent
Let's not let a few small incidents of homicide overshadow the fact we recently installed washer-dryers in every single apartment.
Sep
13
Seven Rural Announcements Suitable for All Occasions
Woody and Rayleen Blight / Joyfully announce the recent trade of their / Rusted, two-door Ford F150 for / A 2020 black, full-sized Dodge Ram pickup
Sep
12
New Fall Traditions for You, A Thriving, Single, Mid-Thirties Woman
Let your dog Penelope off-leash to play with the human children while you talk to their parents about your mutual hardships in raising a young one.
Sep
12
The Trump Tapes You Haven’t Heard Yet
“My good friend General Tojo, who is very respected and very highly uhhh... I guess thought of, is going to bomb Pearl Harbor tomorrow."
Sep
11
I Must Resign After Everyone Saw Me Lose a Game of Tic-Tac-Toe to a Chicken
In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn’t have loudly invited every member of staff to come watch me “roast this bird” at tic-tac-toe.
Sep
11
Revised Grade 12 Learning Outcomes for a Truncated School Year
History will now begin in 1776. Students should be able to: - Recall that John Hancock had a very large signature. - Name ONE of the TWO World Wars.
Sep
11
I’m an Applicant Tracking System and I Think I’ve Finally Found “The One”
It's like you knew the key to my heart was a deep appreciation for long naked walks on the beach and Adobe Creative Suite.
Sep
10
We Apologize to Campers Who Expected Loons but Got Lions
For example, our description page should have read, “Lull yourself to sleep to the haunting cry of lions echoing across the lake.”
Sep
10
Other Historic Calamities Caused by Gender Reveal Parties
World War I (1914-1918) – Bosnian-Herzegovian couple Davud and Emina give their guests blue toy guns to fire into the streets of Sarajevo.
Sep
10
Maybe You Don’t Need Masks After All, By a North American Vulture
Don't forget it's scorching outside—do you really want to inconvenience yourself with a hot face? That's a cruelty no meat should suffer.
Sep
9
It’s Totally Fine That He Didn’t Text Me Back
Alright, let me check my phone. No response? That’s completely cool. I’ll just play with my dog for a little bit.
Sep
9
The Unwritten Rules of Baseball
The phone is for calling the bullpen, not pranking the loser ump by telling him his wife is in labor.
Sep
9
Love It or Hate It, PIC Has a New Logo You’re Going to Like
A new "Bold and Juicy Look" for PIC that includes an all-caps, in-your-face logo proudly declaring, "OUR LETTERS DON'T HAVE TO BE THE SAME WIDTH!"
Sep
8
3rd Grade Virtual Learning Schedule: Week 3, Day 4
Watch “Multiplication, Division, and YOU!” There is no link, so you, a third-grader, will need to do a Google video search and hope for the best.
Sep
8
How to React to an Ugly Baby
Step 1: Show your authentic surprise. When you unexpectedly encounter an infantile grotesquerie like that one over there, you will feel shocked.
Sep
8
Bridgefield High School Fall Sports Are Cancelled, But Not Because We Suck at Football
Sure, our football team has been subpar ever since Brent Bryerson graduated three years ago, but that isn't a concern.
Sep
7
The Maid of Honor Speech I Gave After Witnessing a Murder Before the Wedding
Earlier this afternoon I saw an unidentified man meet his life’s untimely finish line right on the same athletic track where we competed as teens.
Sep
7
The 45 Things Every Blossoming Child Needs in Their Micro School
A well-planned curriculum / Disposable teachers who can be replaced just in case / Pencils / 100% renewable eco-powered Mercedes buses
Sep
7
I’m Entitled to Excellent Customer Service on Labor Day
Our great nation was built on the backs of people just like me: MBAs who got their jobs through their dad’s business connections.
Sep
6
An Open Letter to My Roomba That I Haven’t Seen in Five Days
It’s water under the bridge, just like when you’ve lodged yourself under my couch, even when you overheated and almost set my apartment on fire.
Sep
6
Luke Skywalker’s Letter to His Father (With Help from Franz Kafka)
Franz takes issue with his dad for unsolicited career advice and "being a bit of a tyrant" (wait until he meets you, not that it's a competition).
Sep
5
A Letter from the Furies to President Trump Updating His Torture Policy to Include ABBA
Subsequent to receiving this letter, you will hear ABBA songs inside your head everywhere you go, no matter what you happen to be doing.
Sep
5
20th Century Gothic Fiction Advertisements
When your body dies, want your mind to stay alive? Sure, you do! With HAUNTED LIVING, LLC implant your ghost in any solid object.
Sep
4
I’m a Newspaper and I’m Loving My Side Hustle as the Food Presentation Wrap Paper in a Trendy Restaurant
Who else is willing to be drenched by the grease of your chicken a la finger basket? Let’s see Facebook try and do that.
Sep
4
Honest Answers to Burning Questions Non-Writers Ask Writers
Can you babysit my child or pick up my packages since you're home? What a perfect opportunity to procrastinate and help a neighbor for zero dollars.
Sep
3
The Unexpected Poetry of Nextdoor Digest
Today's Top Posts: what's with all the fireworks? / Please use less lighter fluid / Little Library burned / Home Swim Lessons / Free Aloe!!
Sep
3
Nick Carraway’s Summer in Margaritaville
All of West Tampa’s aristocrats, from Hulk Hogan to the purveyor of Oxyclean, would cavort around his twirling menagerie of slushie machines.