Aug
26
Junk Mail, If It Were Written as Victorian Love Letters
Though the sun may soon set on this discount code, my passion for your touch shall never fade!
Aug
25
Giving Writing Workshop Feedback in Non-Workshop Environments
AT A PASTRY SHOP: “While I do appreciate this lemon meringue pie—it’s very sweet, which is fun for a dessert if that’s what you’re going for."
Aug
25
The Coronies – Pandemic Awards for This Year’s Best Performances
Best Foreign Film: When my boss tells me to speak up in meetings, sorry can’t, don't understand what’s happening.
Aug
25
Tending the Register of a College Town Liquor Store
You too would like to manage the front desk of a dilapidated alcohol peddler who mostly sells Malibu rum to teenagers with fake IDs.
Aug
25
I’ve Been a Coward This Whole Movie, So It’s Time to Stupidly Do Something Brave and Die
With five minutes left in the movie, I am about to undergo a radical psychological transformation and become brave.
Aug
24
The Literalist Film Festival Comes to Town
MY PET PEEVE: Rom Com. He may not be man’s best friend, but Peeve is just the pal Stewart needs in this wag of a tale about overcoming annoyances.
Aug
24
Starbucks Introduces “New Normal” Seasonal Brews for Apocalyptic Times
Campus Dream — Coming Fall semester, steaming hot espresso with subtle notes of ennui, stale beer and dirty clothes.
Aug
24
Tomato Season Has Changed Me
This happens every year. The heat of August sets in and like a bear waking from hibernation, my ravenous appetite for tomatoes reemerges.
Aug
23
I’m a Mysterious Gypsy Princess in 1830s Paris; Uncover My Secret and Win My Love
Before you win me over you must first guess my secret. I’ll take you on a wandering journey, through these dirty, cobblestone Parisian alleys.
Aug
23
Five Pieces for Styling Middle-To-Low Income Looks on a Million Dollar Budget
Easy, effortless transitional pieces for looking like a regular person who may or may not have health insurance.
Aug
22
Best of the ’90s ’50s!
Remember when you had it made in the shade? When you and your lady could cut a rug all night long? That's right, it was the 1990s.
Aug
22
The Clitoris Can Vary in Size, Just like the Ford F-150!
The pieces titled "The Clitoris: Nub of Joy!" for Healthy Lady Magazine and "The Ford F-150: Trucks Rule!" for Automotive Life will be one piece.
Aug
21
If Love Languages Were Categories in a Dystopian YA Novel
I blinked in the winter sun and spotted the raised flag that bore the crest of Quality Time. Under the flag huddled members of my new life.
Aug
21
No, I Won’t Stop Dumping Trash on Your Lawn
It is not my fault that your son got a splinter from the demolished wood pieces that I judiciously donated to your lawn.
Aug
20
Thank You for Donating Your Body to Pseudoscience
The possibilities are endless due to your contribution. You could be used to study telepathy, astral projecting, homeopathy, ESP, and many more.
Aug
20
My Life as an Empty Nester, According to Concerned Family and Friends
Deep, deep down, I do miss cleaning the bathroom after my son eats Chipotle’s Super Burrito with extra queso.
Aug
20
Self-Care for Cartoon Villains
Practice acceptance. Instead of trying to avoid having an anvil dropped on your head, make peace with the inevitability of it happening.
Aug
19
Sheep Want to Reclaim the Word “Sheep”
What's so bad about herd life? We share the same habits (grass), passions (grass), and politics (reduce your carbon pawprint...and grass).
Aug
19
A Back-to-School Reminder to Parents Who Let Their Children Go Feral
Exposed to even one feral child, as many as 22 relatively domesticated children will revert to a state of nature by mid-morning recess.
Aug
18
Situations in Which You’re Going to Want to Have the Cart before the Horse
The horse is grocery shopping. Is the horse supposed to pull the grocery cart? No. The horse has to push the grocery cart just like everybody else.
Aug
18
List: Insults More Effective Than “Suck My Cock,” Because Lots of People Like Doing That
"Weed My Flower Beds" – I dare you to tell the difference between a weed and some bullshit my wife planted. I friggin’ dare you!
Aug
18
An Obituary for Your “College Friends” Group Chat
The college group chat will be remembered for its many colorful names, conferred by different members of the chat across its 11 years of existence.
Aug
17
Cover Letter from Your New Kitten
I plan to hit the ground running, and then run some more, and then more, then hit a wall, and then puke on your open laptop.
Aug
17
Table of Contents: Parenting and Shit (A Parenting Book)
6. Clothes and Shit -It’s a diaper and not that hard to figure out, for fuck’s sake. -Bedazzling bullshit. -Why the fuck are head holes so small?
Aug
17
I’m You 30 Minutes from Now and I Definitely Regret Going for That Run
I’m here to tell you that you’re totally right about today not being the right day for a run. You really don’t want any part of this, man.
Aug
16
The 4 Traffic Lights You’ll Meet on the CAPTCHA “Are You a Robot” Page
The One Attached to a Wire, Flying Over the Intersection: She’s in mid-air without a care in the world. She’s your manic pixie dream light.
Aug
16
I’d Like to Return 2020 for a Full Refund
“I can’t accept this, it’s obviously been used.” “Well yes, but only in January, February, and the first week of March. But then ppffhtt,” I spit.
Aug
15
We’ve Decided Harold Schwab Will No Longer Be the Face of Our Tire Company
We’re RACING to clarify: We do NOT only sell white-wall tires. Complementary road-side assistance does NOT include a “cruise to da make-out spot.”
Aug
15
Tidy Home Tips from the Last Remaining Snapple in the “Friends” Fridge
Living the past 16 years as the solitary Snapple left in the "Friends" fridge, I cherish what I have, even if it’s only the royalties from reruns.
Aug
14
Governor, I’m Sick of All These Double Standards
Protests are okay but I can't go to the Olive Garden because I use the breadsticks for things that are "objectionable" and "extremely upsetting?"
Aug
14
How to Pronounce the Names of White Male Politicians
Mike [ mahyk ] Pronounced: “my khh” Rhymes with: “yikes!” Common mispronunciations: Matt, Mark How to remember: Mike is short for “open mic night.”
Aug
14
I’m the Devil and These Aren’t My Advocates
I wouldn’t be the Prince of Darkness if I didn’t defend myself against these recent transgressions and bring the truth to light, so to speak.
Aug
13
Leadership Wants You to Know, Fight Club Is Taking the Coronavirus Seriously
If someone says “stop,” goes limp, taps out, the fight is over. If someone coughs, has shortness of breath, or has a fever, the fight does not begin.
Aug
13
11 Scented Candles Dripping with Masculinity
Ferrari Fantasy – A unique blend of Italian leather, capped teeth, micropenis, and snobbiness that will render you speechless.
Aug
13
P.C. Richard & I Have No Son
I cannot believe you had the gall to march into our Farmingdale headquarters, and rather than claim your birthright, insist that you go to college.
Aug
12
Is Your Child a Cactus, a Sourdough Starter, or a Dildo?
What does your child do for fun? A) Mescaline. B) Sits quietly while parents read NYT Cooking section. C) Derives enjoyment from pleasing others.
Aug
12
If You or a Loved One Has Been, You May Be Entitled to Financial Compensation
Being is a condition that has been linked to depression, a crippling sense of loss, getting attacked by alligators, and even death.
Aug
12
Sharks Aren’t Nearly as Scary as Canadian Geese and Yet They’re the Ones with a Week of TV
Some people say that sharks take nibbles to satisfy their curiosity. Rest assured, we're coming to bite you because we want to bite you.
Aug
11
Yes, The School Is Inside an Active Volcano, But We Need to Send the Children Back In
What could be more healthy than taking a spelling test while boulders—such as the one that just flattened Senator Constantine—fall from the sky?
Aug
11
How to Deny Basic Facts
Alternative facts are just as good as regular facts. Better, even, because the only limit is your imagination!
Aug
11
Toddler Tenets for Neighborhood Stick Collecting
Any stick that has touched a rotting carcass or been rotting carcass-adjacent must become part of the permanent collection immediately.
Aug
11
All the Times Things Were “Not the Right Fit”
"Her butt is coming out first," my mom's ob-gyn told her six hours into her contractions. "This baby is just not the right fit."
Aug
10
Failed New Mountain Dew Flavors
Farmer Fuel: After the success of Gamer Fuel, the soft drink juggernaut tried the same strategy on the agriculture sector.
Aug
10
Summaries of Upcoming “Judge Judy” Episodes Filmed During the Pandemic
An elderly couple sues the mother of a teenager for damages to their 1998 Buick Skylark, on which the teen wrote on “I’m a Dirty Bird” with hand sanitizer.
Aug
9
Mouth Police: The Next Bestselling YA Dystopian Novel
If the Mouth Police catch you they send you to mega jail. It’s like jail but bigger and where my rebel dad is.
Aug
9
This Is a Corporate Restructuring Team-Building Exercise, Not Downsizing
We wanted to take a minute as a company to step back, take a look at each other, and ask the question, "Which one of you can we fire?"
Aug
8
Just to Play Devil’s Advocate, What if We Didn’t Defund the Police?
Listen, I know these struggles are just theoretical for me—but that’s why they’re so easy to argue against!
Aug
8
Sure, My Name Is Batman, But That Doesn’t Mean I Was the Conduit for Coronavirus to Jump from Bats to Humans
Please stop graffitiing the Batmobile with hurtful slogans like “The Caped Contager” and “The Dark Blight.”
Aug
7
The Scooby-Doo Gang Are Agents of Gentrification
Mystery Inc is an LLC, and you're your shareholders' puppets: driving from town to town, pushing out the little guys so big business can take over.
Aug
7
Some Updates on the Status of Your Postmates Delivery
Seth has returned to his car and confirmed your address for the first time. Your dumplings are no longer crispy or hot. Seth lives with his parents.
Aug
7
The Archangel Gabriel Appeared to Me in a Dream and Told Me to Start Pounding More PBR Tall Boys if I Want to Get into Heaven
I heard that in Heaven, you can ride on the backs of angels and use their halos as steering wheels. That’s something I would like to check out.
Aug
6
How Was Your Experience with Our Customer Experience Survey?
Any levels of satisfaction that we failed to offer as responses? e.g. sorta satisfied, existentially satisfied, really-good-peach satisfied, etc.
Aug
6
Fun Facts for Every Corporate Icebreaker, and When to Use Them
Despite what you see on the Zoom, I don’t sunburn easily. (When we can't think of a fun fact, my current boss tells us to try a humblebrag.)
Aug
6
Dogwin’s Law of Internet Discussion
As an online discussion grows longer, eventually someone will reference Clifford the Big Red Dog, effectively ending the discussion.
Aug
5
2020 Election Gamer’s Guide: Boss Walkthrough
Level 1 Boss: Twitter user with American flag emoji in profile / Special Attack: Signature Retweet-and-Comment, usually in form of an OANN headline.
Aug
5
Transcript from the Murder Trial of My Teddy Bear
The mortician had examined Mr. Bear’s three major organs: the soft and cuddly organ, the unconditional love organ, and of course, the colon.
Aug
5
I’m the Ghost of Pythagorus and I Can’t Go to My Light Until You Believe the Earth Is Round
Despite my best efforts to educate the public, the Flat Earth Reddit page has doomed me to roam this very large and very round earth until the end of time.
Aug
4
How to Make Your Zoom Meetings More French
Have a visible breakfast of two croissants, orange juice, and a glass of red wine on Zoom. Complain how you had to make the croissants by hand.
Aug
4
Other Things in a Kangaroo’s Pouch
A love letter, never sent / Pocket Bible (illustrated) / Hard candies, all unwrapped / Sack of flour dressed like a baby, for practice
Aug
4
When Matt Damon Was My Age He’d Filmed His Second “Bourne” Movie
When Sting was my age, he decided to quit The Police because he “wasn’t feeling it anymore.” I’ve never even talked to the police.
Aug
3
A Therapist’s Notes from Sessions with Muppet Couples
Meeting with Kermit, a 65 y.o. frog, and Piggy, a 63 y.o. porcine companion (spouse?). Currently separated. P lives in Paris, France; K in MS swamp.
Aug
3
Self-Affirmations for the President of Your University
I deserve my on-campus mansion. I am enough for my on-campus mansion. No one can take my on-campus mansion from me.
Aug
3
The 5 Love(craft) Languages
Deities with this Eldritch Love Language need to hear their bound worshipers verbalize their eternal devotion, with an “I love you” of sorts.
Aug
2
I’m Your Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and I Am Fully Aware You’re Using Me to Avoid a Visit with Your Gastroenterologist
"Shameless caffeine addiction" just doesn’t cut it. Chances are you’ve also been avoiding your first screening with a gastroenterologist.
Aug
2
We Will Not Be Moving Forward with Your Candidacy Due to Our Bureaucratic and Arcane Hiring Process
You knotted your tie into a half-Windsor. Or, as we call it here, “the coward’s Windsor.” Of course, this significantly counted against you.
Aug
1
Fictional Schools’ Arbitrary and Baseless Plans for Fall Reopening
Ridgemont High: All "fast times" have been canceled. Students are advised to hotbox their vans from home until the curve has been flattened.
Aug
1
I’m Your NHL Commissioner, and If I Say We’re Playing at EPCOT, We’re Playing at EPCOT!
We may not have the NBA Bubble, but we do have the NHL Geodesic Sphere. It’s an exhibit called "1999: World of Tomorrow," and it’s your new home.
Jul
31
Nine Mindfulness Practices to Help You Endure Virtual Summer Camp
Attain Zen. Zen means knowing if you are smiling and crying at once, you are making a rainbow.
Jul
31
LEAKED: Anagrams of White House Officials’ Names Used as Secret Service Codenames
The Secret Service have used anagrams for White House codenames since Hairball Conman (Abraham Lincoln). These are the Trump administration aliases.
Jul
31
Are You There God? It’s Me, Your 4th Grader’s Recorder
Please don’t reopen school. I won’t be able to make it another year with those behemoths suffocating me with their skeevy, pudgy fingers.
Jul
30
Can We Align on the Intention Behind This Date?
I have noted my standards and policies. These are negotiable due to the extremely low bar I have set due to previous experiences with straight men.
Jul
30
The 7 Stages of an Organic Produce Box Subscription
Denial: The next box won't be here for another 20 hours. There's still time to eat this week's produce. The avocado is mush, but it's fine for guac.
Jul
30
Indoor Adventures for Your Patagonia Pullover Fleece
Turn off all the lights except for a flickery one, and point at it and say, “Is that the North Star?” Then sleep on the kitchen floor.
Jul
29
An Oil Lobbyist Debunks “Clean Air Is Good” and Other Lies You’ve Been Told
If there’s not enough pollution in the air to do serious damage to your lungs, doctors will suddenly find themselves out of work.
Jul
29
Can You Afford What’s Inside That Cool Retail Store?
Did you reach for a pair of jeans, but a security guard asserted, "Please don’t touch the art"? You can't afford it.
Jul
29
I Am the Tropical Destination on Your Desktop Background: Please Never Visit, You’re Too Boring to Come Here
You’re a little too dull for my tropical lifestyle. Sorry, I’ve had a pitcher of strawberry daiquiris, but I’ll say it again: you are BORING!
Jul
28
I Didn’t Ruin Dad’s Funeral Because I Wore My Clown Suit, I Ruined Dad’s Funeral Because No One Appreciates My Art
This is my life! I’m not a clown some of the time, Brad, I’m a clown all of the time. So what if the funeral director kicked me out?
Jul
28
How to Apologize for Your Racist Dog
How many of you have dogs who display selective aggression towards people of races other than your own? Everyone again. Frustrating, isn’t it?
Jul
28
A Prayer for the Trader Joe’s “Ethnic Lines” No Longer With Us
Let us sing the cleverest of songs for Trader Joe-San whose punny word play on the Japanese honorific translated to "Mr. Trader Joe."
Jul
28
The Last All-Bro Society: Jane Goodall’s Revolutionary New Study
After watching for a month, surviving on nothing but beef jerky and "good vibez," I have begun to understand their culture and how they operate.
Jul
27
11 Things Craft Beer Geeks Say About Their Nectars and What They Really Mean
Say: "I’m getting leather notes and a hint of tobacco." Mean: "I wish I could still watch John Wayne movies unironically."
Jul
27
Job Interview Questions for Nepotists
How did you hear about us? From cousin Annie at Thanksgiving or cousin Tom at Christmas?
Jul
27
If Rick Allen Can Drum for Def Leppard with One Arm, Then Surely I Can Install This Backsplash
A poorly installed backsplash could actually DECREASE the value of my home, but did Rick Allen hire some “licensed professional” to do his drumming?
Jul
26
The Top 8 Pop Songs of the CIA’s Back Catalog
"Guantanamo," The Beach Boys (2005). This re-make of "Kokomo" failed to rebrand Guantanamo Bay as the Key Largo of military detention facilities.
Jul
26
It Pains Me to Give a 1-Star Review to the Re-Opened Colonial Williamsburg, but the Actors’ N95 Masks Were Obviously Historically Inaccurate
How am I supposed to believe a real colonial woman is teaching me to churn butter, when her flawless colonial outfit is tainted by latex gloves?
Jul
26
Yoga for [Insert Unrealistic End Goal of Breathing and Posing]
Assume a plank pose on the mat that you ordered from Amazon, mentally petitioning Jeff Bezos to treat his employees properly.
Jul
25
Note to the Entitled Granola Mom Who Cut in Front of Me at the Farmers Market
I had a feeling this might happen when I laid eyes on you ruthlessly shucking corn over the big bin, your nose ring glinting sharply in the sun.
Jul
25
Oh God Oh God Hide Me from the Horrible Noise, by Your Pet Dog
Did you people hear that? The boom! The fucking boom! Come on, I know you two-legged freaks can't hear shit, but even you must— HOLY SHIT!
Jul
24
Fucking Roger Federer: A Journeyman Tennis Player’s Prayer
Give me Rafael Nadal. I would let Rafa bagelize me as compared to you-know-who. Is that too much for a poor, first-time U.S. Open qualifier to ask?
Jul
24
We’ll Tell You How These Women’s Lives Turned Out Based on the Winter Coat They Wore in 6th Grade
Leather Jacket – Doesn’t believe in monogamy but has lived with one boyfriend for six years; sleeps with phone on the bed, it has its own pillow.
Jul
24
Routine of a Quarantined Nice Guy
He might be stuck inside but this fella is still capable of making dozens of women uncomfortable, from the comfort of his own home!
Jul
23
Maybe I Don’t Want to Be Found, by Waldo of “Where’s Waldo”
Photos of me, at my most intimate, turned into a puzzle for some simple mind’s amusement. My fashion sense became an “inside joke” for the masses.
Jul
23
Classic Children’s Books for Marxist Tykes
Goodnight Moon, Good Morning Historical Materialism – Goodnight conflict theory. Goodnight modes of production. Goodnight lumpenproletariat.
Jul
23
Friendly Reminders from Your Winterfell Homeowners Association!
Due to a disputed public executioner election, political lawn signs are no longer permitted. No decorative flamingos, gnomes, or heads on pikes.
Jul
22
The PDX Protest Festival Lineup
A rundown of all the groups scheduled to appear at Portland's nightly protest, including Average Wife Band and They Might Be Half-Brothers.
Jul
22
A Guide to All the “Bar Rescue” TV You’re Watching in Quarantine
A guide to TV shows ranging from "Bar Rescue" to "Bar Rescue Rescue Rescue Rescue Rescue Rescue Rescue Rescue Rescue," and everything in between.
Jul
22
The Millennial and Gen Z Cusp Generation Needs a Name
Those of us born in the '95-'97 range are the middle child between Millennials and Gen Z.
Jul
21
FAQ: My Nextdoor Neighbor Is a Russian Oligarch
He also borrowed my weed whacker. How do you get it back from an oligarch? Weed whacking is activity of peasant, not fitting of powerful oligarch .
Jul
21
Is This a Cake?
Your partner, a pastry chef, left the mail out. There’s an unopened envelope from your credit card company. The envelope is thick. Is this a cake?
Jul
21
How Embarrassing, I Seem to Have Forgotten Which Book Opens My Hidden Bookshelf Door
Is it "The Count of Monte Cristo" that solves this dreadful riddle? Surely a subtle nod to enclosed spaces will do it…. No.