Jul
20
Edible Arrangements for the Vengeful
A black-magic-hexed Incredible Edible Chocolate Spectacular arrangement. Perfect for anyone with whom you have an unfinished score to settle.
Jul
20
TV Shows from the Middle Ages Not Picked Up After Their Pilots
Hung, Drawn, and Quartered - Contestants sketch public executions, and the contestant with the worst drawing each week is in turn sentenced to death.
Jul
20
Are You Truly Ready to Ascend to Housecoat Level?
We speak here of the dowdy. The cotton-poly blend. The bland pastel floral with faux-pearl snaps. Armor worn by everyone from Nanas to Meemaws.
Jul
19
Help! There’s a Knight Besieging My Medieval Castle and He’s Hot AF!
I sent him away, I had to, I can’t surrender my castle to every triple thicc hottie that rides up here. We’d wait it out.
Jul
19
Let Me Tell You About My Very Profitable, Benevolent Brand
And before you get skeptical or overthink our business model, this is NOT slave labor repackaged as a benevolent good.
Jul
18
Hey America, All Your Statues Suck (From the Ghost of Michelangelo)
Did no one in art school for the past two centuries take any notes in their Michelangelo class? They still spend a semester on me, right?
Jul
18
The Zoom Call of Cthulhu: Why I Need to Work from Home
You should know that I have recently become a follower of the Dark Lord Cthulhu, whose worship I must prioritize above my data entry deliverables.
Jul
17
For Sale: Breakfast Burrito, Men’s Medium, Like New
It's got professional grade tortillas, reclaimed shredded cheese, and was folded the same way U.S. Navy Seals do out in battlefield cafeterias.
Jul
17
Disney World’s Reopening Guidelines Amid COVID-19
Donald Duck will wear a mask, but still no pants. / All t-shirts reading “I Survived The Tower of Terror!” have been reprinted to read “I Survived!”
Jul
17
We’re Your Bras and We Know You’ll Come Back
For unmentionables, you sure talk about us a lot. You’ve got boobs on the brain, and that’s why we’re not worried. We know you’ll come back.
Jul
16
If I Can’t Backpack Through Europe, How Am I Supposed to Discover Myself?
How am I supposed to get people to think I’m cultured and experienced if I don’t have the selfies with European landmarks to prove it?
Jul
16
Which Quarantine Type Are You: Health Nut, Couch Potato, or 19th Century Working-Class British Child, Based on My Impression from BBC Period Dramas?
I’ve stayed in touch with friends by… A) Hosting non-alcoholic Zoom happy hours. B) FaceTiming an ex at 2AM. C) Spitting peas at my chum’s window.
Jul
16
I Am the Leviathan and I’m Sick of All the Attention Behemoth Gets
Whenever you describe something huge and monstrous, you call it "behemoth"—no one ever uses “leviathan” in the same way. Honestly, it hurts.
Jul
15
I Am a Log and I’m Running for President
As a proud deciduous piece of American timber, I now see it as my obligation to throw my hat in the ring or, more accurately, my rings in the ring.
Jul
15
Are You Being Tortured by a Drug Cartel or Getting Invisalign?
$5,000 barely scratches the surface of what it’ll take to handle this problem. / Your family won’t recognize you when this is over.
Jul
15
How Can Anyone Think the Moon Landing Was Faked by Stanley Kubrick, When It Was Clearly Ingmar Bergman?
The flag looks like it's waving because Buzz Aldrin was twisting the flagpole and Ingmar Bergman had an innate gift for the composition of movement.
Jul
14
A Review of the Last Performance of “Spamilton” Before the End Times
Before he could sing a single note, I look down to see the Earth's molten core spilling into empty space.
Jul
14
How to Make a Drive-Thru Interaction Incredibly Awkward
Someone of your social ineptitude fears any conflict, meaning you should absolutely feel nervous about upsetting a bored stranger you can't even see.
Jul
14
From the TweetDeck of Captain Blackbeard
I became captain on my own, no help from Ushkuiniks. / Poorly rated Captain Kidd speaking badly of me. Then how come he’s always ogling my ships!!
Jul
14
The Public Pool Is Closed Due to COVID-19 (And All the Other Nasty Shit We Found in Here)
No amount of social distancing would save you and your family from the terrifying bacterial grasps of our public pool.
Jul
13
Job Posting: Human Anxiety Thermometer for Our Household
Must project Buddha-like calm, possess mixologist-level cocktail skills, and know when to keep the kids out of my “home office."
Jul
13
Surprising New Rules for Major League Baseball’s COVID-19 Season
If both opponents' Designated Epidemiologists agree that it will aid in player immunity, MLB will allow injections of anabolic steroids.
Jul
13
The Harper’s Letter by the Guy Whose Favorite Cafe Spot Was “Stolen”
But resistance must not be allowed to harden into its own brand of oppression—which That Jerk sitting in my chair is already exploiting.
Jul
12
I’m Your Bathroom Mirror and I Want a Restraining Order
Don’t just stand there, staring at me. You’ve never asked for my consent. I don’t want to be three inches from your swollen uvula.
Jul
12
A Letter from Your Deprived Coronavirus Pomeranian
I eat at dawn. As soon as the sun's crescent pierces the horizon I will eat my dog chow. Or else I will go ape shit.
Jul
11
It’s Not Every Day That I, A 65-Year-Old General Contractor Named Gary, Get Mistaken for Cameron Diaz, But I’m Gonna Roll with It
It's a head-scratcher to be confused with one of America's most consistent box office draws; an actor with the range to do both comedy and drama.
Jul
11
Five Facebook Pages from High School to Unlike While Wide Awake at 3AM
Undoubtedly a continuation of the Dada movement, "Screaming At The Sun" was so avant-garde, so groundbreaking, and just SO RANDOM xD.
Jul
10
The 7 Quintessential Books to Survive the Quarantine with Your Partner
Knitting With Dog Hair: The three sets of socks will keep Jonathan's feet warm when he is cold and his mouth shut when he is snoring.
Jul
10
Are You a Mask Wearer, a Non-Mask Wearer, or Darth Vader?
When do you take your mask off? A) Whenever I feel like it. I am making America great. B) Only once, to look on my son with my own eyes.
Jul
10
Please Stop Inviting Me, Leonardo da Vinci, To Your Dream Dinner Parties of People Alive or Dead
Did it ever occur to you that I wrote backwards because I was a private guy who kept to himself? You think social anxiety wasn’t a thing in 1507?
Jul
9
These Constant Fireworks I Hear Every Night Before Bed Is Exactly What I Needed
There’s nothing I love more than hearing all types of fireworks one after the other. Sometimes it’s a bunch of little ones; like 25 in a row.
Jul
9
Times Throughout History When Brands Stepped Up to Help the World Around Them
Revolutionary War Zimmer's Fine Coats and Upholstery: I should hope that you wish to don thineself with a coat containing pigments that do not run.
Jul
9
Definitely My Quarantine Morning Routine
I definitely don’t lay in bed motionless, hovering between sleep and wakefulness, until finally my hungry cat comes and scream-meows in my face.
Jul
8
I’m Your White Facebook Friend Who Never Left Their Hometown and I’m Here to Teach You about Conspiracy Theories
Did you know that Bill Gates actually invented racism? It’s something he put in all the vaccines. ALL OF THEM. But no, you probably don’t want to hear that.
Jul
8
Now’s Not the Time to Bring Up the Buzz Lightyear Toy Up My Ass, Right?
Things are changing in our country. But one thing that remains constant, however, is the Buzz Lightyear action figure stuck up my anus.
Jul
7
As a Divorce Photographer, I Want to Commemorate Your Imminent Separation
While you were once regaled with the chimes of wedding bells, you now shrivel before a vinegary antipasto and await the crushing gavel of defeat.
Jul
7
New York Times Bestsellers of Recently Rediscovered Literature
OF DEITIES OR MORTALS by Ernest Hemingway | Ivory Shattered men fall in love with damaged women while dozens of animals die in the process.
Jul
7
I Am the Clump of Dried Toothpaste That Takes Over the Nozzle of Every Tube
Think of me as the gamma-ray to your Bruce Banner, only I give you none of the superpowers and all of the anger.
Jul
6
Congratulations Caterpillar, In a Month You’ll Be Flying! But Your Mouth and Jaw Will Be Gone and You’ll Have a Long Skinny Horror Tube
Oh, and instead of those dozens of legs you’re used to, you’ll have six legs and there’ll be basically tongues on the end of each of them.
Jul
6
Top 10 Grown-Up Salary Jobs You Can Excel at While Simultaneously Homeschooling Your Children, Allowing Time for Things like Sleep
Maybe you should have married into more money because it turns out teaching IS its own job: a 2020 "In-The-Time-of-Coronavirus" jobs list.
Jul
6
A Traffic Reporter Who Wants You to Know about Quantum Teleportation
Quantum teleportation. Do you need more reasons? If we had teleportation machines, then highway traffic and accidents wouldn’t be a problem.
Jul
5
Rome Wasn’t Built in a Day! It Was Built in Two, and We at Romulus & Remus Builders Can Do the Same for You
Have you been sculpting a triumphal arch, but can’t nail the reliefs? Are you hammering away at that sarcophagus, but the measurements are all off?
Jul
5
Top 5 Items to Steal from the Medicine Cabinet of Grammy Award-Winning Artist Paul Simon
Paul’s Empty Advil Container That He Repurposed to Hide His State Quarters: Cast the pill bottle aside and fill your pockets with the beautiful coins.
Jul
4
Announcing Phantom Fireworks’ Patriotic “We Kick Ass” Display
Our patented "Mega Explosion" technology will detonate into the shape of the Union Jack, then a middle finger, followed by the word “America.”
Jul
4
Nothing Says Fourth of July like Hellmann’s New Strawberry-Flavored Mayonnaise
Strawberry Mayonnaise Daiquiris: Sounds terrible, right? The first few are, but I’m on my third one now and I can’t even taste them anymore.
Jul
3
I’m a Feral Pigeon, and I’m Running to Replace the Bald Eagle as the Avian Symbol of American Freedom in 2020
As a real American bird, I’m going to get down on the ground and fight a sewer rat for half of a discarded Chalupa.
Jul
3
Exercises to Prepare Your Atrophied Body for a Return to Normalcy
Exercise: Speak “Let’s do this again” with conviction. Real life scenario: You’re saying goodnight to a date you expect to never see again.
Jul
3
Audio from the 2019 Fourth of July Fireworks Show
[BOOM BOOM] “U-S-A! U-S-A!” [BOOM] “Do you ever wonder what would happen if everyone got sick all at once, though? [BOOM] "What?"
Jul
2
Netflix Categories for Dads
Vietnam War Movies That Explain Why Your Father Was Like That / Comedy Blockbusters with Bikini-Clad Women on the Poster
Jul
2
5 Signs Your Spin Instructor Has Been Exploiting Your Class to Power His Lake House
Phrases evoking imagery of a well-powered cabin like, “pedal like my kitchen appliances depended on it,” could be a huge red flag.
Jul
2
Other Nicknames You Can Call Me Besides Vinny “Chickenshit” DiLorenzo
Despite everything I do, the only thing anyone can remember is a rumor that I mistook chicken poop for Runts candy.
Jul
1
Doth a Man Live by His Neck Tattoo, and Not the Beauty That Stirs His Heart?
A millennium of mystics lives in my heart. But when you look at me, all you see is “Prince of Darkness” in Comic Sans stretched just under my chin.
Jul
1
I’m Spartacus and I’m Sick and Tired of All These Wannabes
I’m stuck in a dungeon with Team Crucifixion. We’re anticipating a future as a unique tourist feature along the Appian Way.
Jun
30
Introduction to Describing Your Dreams to Someone Who Obviously Doesn’t Care
Blathering on about one’s own dream is one of life’s greatest pleasures, a kind of psychological masturbation that satisfies our basest desire.
Jun
30
Take It from Me, a Surfer, the Second Wave Is Going to Be Gnar AF!
The economy took a crazy wipeout, my grandma got straight barrelled (shred in peace, G’ma) and we had to wear those goofy masks for like weeks.
Jun
30
Real Biblical Quotes for Straight People Playing Gay Characters
Mark 4:12: "You, my son, hath the chiseled physique of a Philistine and the facial features of a young King David. They will not care."
Jun
30
Wines to Pair with Your Favorite Women’s Target Brands
The red-berry notes that also resemble a boiled mushroom in your choice Pinot are a perfect match for any outfit from this inclusive Tarjay brand.
Jun
29
I Have No Career or Personal Accomplishments, But I Win the Fitbit Step Challenge Every Week
While I could find satisfaction in work, the steps I take while pacing tearfully in the work bathroom help me add thousands of steps each week.
Jun
29
The Vlad Quartet Is Not Playing at Ronnie Scotts
"Hello, this is Valedy calling. So sorry I missed the gig. I got pranked. Somebody nailed my coffin shut. By the time I got out, it was the next day."
Jun
29
Quaint Towns to Visit Before They’re Completely Leveled by Music Festivals
Reine, Norway - This sleepy fishing village doesn’t have much time before it catches a lethal dose of Imagine Dragons.
Jun
28
Sharks, I’m the Tooth Fairy and I’m Looking for Investors
Ever gaze over your huge pile of thousands of children's teeth and ask yourself, "How can I make this mountain of kid teeth even larger?"
Jun
28
Well, I Guess You’ll Have to Wait Until Next Year to See My New Collection of Springtime Hats
If it were any other June, I too would be playing squash and basking in the sun’s rays, but this year is different.
Jun
27
Apartment Rules That May or May Not Relate to the Recent Cult Activity
If you happen to hear chanting outside of quiet hours, please do not respond by screaming out, “You call that chanting? I’ll show you chanting!”
Jun
27
A Day in the Life of a Hollywood Assistant in Quarantine
Charge your own phone so it is 207% charged at all times. It is important because you need to keep reminding the boss to charge her own phone.
Jun
27
Judd Apatow Endings of Classic Hollywood Films
"Titanic": The tryst (an additional 56 minutes of footage) enables 100-year-old Rose to learn more about herself and what she wants out of life.
Jun
26
As the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, My Job Is to Give Fans Exactly What They Want: As Little Baseball as Possible
I've been accused of only looking out for the owners, which is patently false. The products—I mean players!—are my absolute top priority
Jun
26
How to Explain the Pandemic to Young Children, Using Classic Picture Books
May 2020: The Tale of Peter Rabbit - Wherein we root for the villainous Mr. McGregor, because we know too well how much his backyard garden means.
Jun
26
A Science Fiction Story with a Very Thin Plot
“Synonyms for ‘laugh’ include ‘chortle,’ ‘gurgle,’ ‘snicker,’ and ‘titter,’” Commander Garm told the dead alien for no discernible reason.
Jun
25
I Hope This Email Finds You
My boss trusted me enough to get coffee and sometimes even pick up an occasional muffin. In addition, I became well-versed in Excel.
Jun
25
Self-Assessment: How Electable You Are for President Based on Your Religion
CHRISTIAN-CATHOLIC: Oh wow. Not a great choice. Sure, Catholics are technically Christians, but today’s voters require that you be "saved."
Jun
25
5 Incredibly Stupid Things That Would Still Make Way More Sense to Commemorate Than the Confederacy
When IHOP changed its name to IHOB for like 2 weeks. Was it stupid? Was it as stupid as 11 states fighting to maintain the right to own human beings?
Jun
24
I’m Your Random Chin Hair, and I’m Pleading for My Life
Since I showed up, did I bother you? Now suddenly, because you look into a magnifying mirror for the first time in months, I'm a problem?
Jun
24
Virus Solutions We Have Yet to Try
Spreading a nasty rumor about the virus - Yes, this is distasteful. Nasty, even. But lives are at stake, and we can make the virus feel unwelcome.
Jun
24
We Are Time-Traveling High School Students with an Urgent Plea: Stop Making History
We're only a few weeks into our "Modern World: January to December 2020" AP course and holy shit is it kicking our asses.
Jun
23
I’d Like to Add 50 More Weeks to My Two Week’s Notice
The past six years have been rewarding and have not been a "suck chamber" where I’ve "eagerly counted down until my death."
Jun
23
Antifa Job Postings, According to Republicans
Have experience with peaceful protesting but want to take it to the NEXT LEVEL? Often described as "the last person someone would suspect of being a criminal"?
Jun
22
My Only Job Option Is to Play Professional Baseball
There's no better job out of college than playing in the MLB. Great pay, fame, and most of the time you’re standing around and not doing anything.
Jun
22
What Your Favorite Philosopher of Modern Logic Says About Your Parenting
Georg Cantor: Although your partner has never said "OCD" out loud, you feel judged while ironing every pair of your toddler's striped Burberry socks.
Jun
22
Get Someone Out of Your Life By Sending Them Your Screenplay
Persistent Car Salesman: Hi, Jared, it’s me, Buddy (at least that’s the name you call me by). Well… I’ve written a screenplay!
Jun
21
My Brutally Honest Cover Letter for the Cupcake Deliverer Role
The cover letter is the most recycled paper item in the world; what you’re reading is a repurposed version of one that I sent to Whole Foods.
Jun
21
Porn Options for Dads
Slow, seamless unboxings / Understated Nextdoor heroics / Horny locals making out to FiveThirtyEight podcast / Vintage SkyMalls
Jun
21
Father’s Day Cards for Stepdads
Fatherhood brings out the best in a man. / Stepfatherhood brings gas station flowers.
Jun
20
Silicon Valley Startup or the Hårga, the Pagan Cult from Midsommar?
They swear they make some sort of product here, but all you see is a lot of eating, prancing, and day drinking.
Jun
20
7 Father’s Day Activities for Abraham, the Dad Who Is Hellbent on Sacrificing You
Nothing says “Don’t sacrifice me!” like breakfast in bed. An omelet and fresh coffee is the perfect way to warm Dad up to the idea of sparing you.
Jun
20
Great-Great-Grandma Mathilda’s Recipe for Eating the Rich
Ingredients: 1 billionaire, appropriately beaten; Kosher salt; Fresh herbs / Serves: 99% of the population, when divided equally.
Jun
19
Are You in an Average Relationship or a Sexy, Self-Destructive Relationship in a Sally Rooney Novel?
One of your boyfriend’s friends bullies you, does your boyfriend… a) ...stand up for me! b) ...not do anything for sexy and mysterious reasons.
Jun
19
What the World War II Movie Your Father Wants You to Watch Together Says About Your Relationship
The Bridge on the River Kwai – Your dad thinks you should stand up to your boss at work. You say he’s a fathead, right?
Jun
19
The Three Little Pigs During Coronavirus
The first little pig went to a boardwalk bar, met up with single pigs, and thought masks were for tree-hugging liberals and was a Democratic hoax.
Jun
18
My Smoothie Is Green and Now I Can See Sound
When you blend spinach into a smoothie, you become better. Better than others, better than yourself, better than God. You can see sound, hear color.
Jun
18
Your County’s Updated Re-Opening Plan
Stage 3d: CDC advises to pick whichever conflicting news article or random blog post best matches your level of paranoia or recklessness.
Jun
18
I Visited the Most Haunted Village in England
I climbed in the window of that cottage over there and the lady inside screamed. I don't know why. There were no ghosts in there. I checked.
Jun
17
It’s Time to Break Some Rules and Re-Open Hogsmeade
Remember that I couldn't get my Hogsmeade form signed while a murderer was after me, and I still snuck out for my first sip of butterbeer.
Jun
17
NYC Department of Health Recommended Sex Positions for COVID-19
The Bronx Bondage – Tie your partner up, and just leave them there. Nothing is hotter than the anticipation. We condone being a tease.
Jun
17
How to Appear Woke While Improving Corporate Sales
Post on Instagram to both notify the public of your shared sentiment on their struggle while promoting Domino’s new $7.99 carryout special.
Jun
16
Introduction to Disguising a Fart in Public
Redirect the Attention. Infiltrate the Distraction. And Proceed as if Nothing Has Happened. Together, they form a useful pneumonic: RIP.
Jun
16
Veiled Muslim Woman or Woman Wearing a Face Mask During a Pandemic?
Unsure if fogless sunglasses are a thing. / Expects to walk past a construction site without being catcalled.
Jun
16
I’m Your Canned Vodka Soda Beverage and I Want You for Breakfast Too, Baby
I see you eyeing my cylindrical figure before your 10 AM Zoom call. I’m tall and light with perfect slender curves that a V-8 could only dream of.
Jun
15
In These Difficult Times, Bank of America Is Here to Help You Pay Us the Money You Owe Us
One thing you don't have to worry about is how much money you owe us, because we keep track of the exact amount so you don't have to.
Jun
15
John McClane’s Recent Thoughts on Defunding the Police
Do you know what you get for being a “hero”? Nothin'. So you might as well find a job that doesn't involve terrorizing low-income communities.
Jun
15
My Four-Phase Plan to Reopen My Work Email
Get Out of Bed: In this first phase, caution is the name of the game. I can't take any risks that could lead to a second wave of weekend lethargy.