May
16
I’m a 200-Year-Old Ghost and I’m Sick of Your Quarantine Whining
Eternity. Did you catch that? That’s two months times infinity. Let that rattle around in your thick skull for a moment.
May
16
Unopened Quarantine Chain Emails
Re: Re: Re: Super Fun Quarantine Recipe Exchange Re: This will not work if everyone does not fwd this email to their closest 10 friends RIGHT NOW
May
16
Vlad the Impaler Tries to Turn the Page with New Brand Strategy
Look at the sick logo . It declares leadership but whispers I will stick you. It’s all about that Dragon Energy in 1476.
May
15
Diary Entries from the Season Bob Dylan Coached My Son’s Little League Team
Instead of wearing baseball caps, Coach Dylan has all the kids wearing these weird old hats he found at a garage sale.
May
15
How to Compliment a Finance Bro so You Can Secure Half and Leave in Three Years
"If your prognostication about a pending recession proves true, I have faith you’ll be among the few who can still afford bottle service."
May
15
My Name Is Old MacDonald and I Had More Than a Farm, I Had a Family
First there was a cluck-cluck here, then a cluck-cluck there, but soon my nightmares were filled with the cooings and cawings of the foulest fowl.
May
14
Upscale Essential
Yes, sir, the pharmacist is here, but we don’t use that word. Rajiv is our Chef de Prescriptions.
May
14
Lines from an E.E. Cummings Poem or Things to Say to Your Reflection When Taking a Mirror Selfie?
“will I complete the mystery of my flesh” / “breasts will be breasts thighs will be thighs” / “thy hair is one kingdom”
May
14
Great Computer Passwords No One Will Ever Guess, Except Now That They Are on This List about Great Passwords
NotJeff: This password is great for anyone not named Jeff. Again though, please don’t actually use this password since it is on this list.
May
13
Dr. Pepper Thinks You Deserve This Treatment, Greg!
Oh, you didn’t think I was a "real" doctor? Having your Ph.D. is nothing to scoff at. And I have two.
May
13
Global Pandemic Phone Etiquette, as Suggested by Your Mother
She is certainly allowed to raise her eyebrows when you admit you’re not seeing anyone, despite the fact that your city is still sheltering in place.
May
13
Russian Literary Classics Set in 2020
Tired of quarantining, Raskolnikov becomes convinced that society must sacrifice the old for the greater good.
May
12
Inward Bound! Survival Skills for the Great Indoors
After completing any one of our adventures, your best self will be the one stuck inside with no one to talk to.
May
12
COVID-19 or My Nymphomaniac Grandma?
Preys on the old men outside Walgreens / Frolics across Floridian beaches / Slept with Chris Cuomo / Hates it when you use protection
May
12
“Chicken Queen” Now Streaming on Netflix
Clara, stop pecking the sound guy! I’m sorry, Clara has recently developed a taste for human flesh.
May
11
I’m the Cockroach That Lives Under the Sink, and This Is My MasterClass
Together, you and I shall become pioneers of pest control vexation by breaking down what I call "The Art of Infestation."
May
11
Recently Written Senior Theses Informed by the Pandemic
Dancing Alone, Procrastinating Together: A Sociological Interrogation of TikTok, or Why I Didn’t Finish My Major Requirements
May
11
Porn Scenarios Realistically Updated for the Pandemic
A frisky couple chasing a thrill has sex on Instagram Live, but frantically sign off when one of their parents joins the stream.
May
10
The Kill Me Now Squad: Declassified Files
Kyle’s father just asked if “Post Malone is a sequel to Bugsy.” Agents remain locked and loaded as they stand by for further instruction.
May
10
Must-Try Mother’s Day Sex Positions
The Time-Out - Take a break from spanking your husband to go spank your children for not doing the dishes.
May
10
Welcome to My Absolutely Official, Virtual Graduation
I do wish everyone could see me. I need everyone I got drunk with Freshman year and then avoided to witness how gorgeous I am, munching on Doritos.
May
9
How to Get Him to Notice You by Turning into This 1,000 Piece Puzzle of Ancient Greece
Nothing makes a man feel more like a god than putting together a woman’s misshapen pieces and presenting a beautiful picture to post on Instagram.
May
9
My Beauty Salon Is Open for Business and We’re Social Distancing
We'll be using six-foot-long scissors. Due to a moratorium on ribbon cuttings, plenty of giant scissors are lying around the mayor’s office.
May
8
Dad’s Work from Home Automatic Email Responses
I am unable to respond at this time, as I'm walking around the house looking for construction opportunities.
May
8
Quarantine Words Neither Merriam nor Webster Expected to Add
Grateful for her bi-weekly escape to buy cvessentials, Janice took her time folding the sixteen-inch receipt to fit neatly in her wallet.
May
8
Listen Scumbag, We Can Do This the Easy Way or the Hard Way or the Real Silly Way
I have a team of techs going over every inch of your apartment. I also know we could find so many hilarious props around here.
May
7
“Go Ahead and Delete Facebook, But Good Luck Remembering When Your High School Bully’s Birthday Is” by Mark Zuckerberg
Facebook was started so I could have a way to stroke my wires to pics of humanoid-looking girls way out of my league—but don't tell Congress that!
May
7
Articles That Should Have Been Published in Response to Netflix’s “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society”
"Netflix Throws Hot American Soldier into Cast of New British Film, Hoping You're OK With the U.S. Military Industrial Complex"
May
7
Recipes for Disaster
Hi, acquaintance from college! Last time I heard from you was in a gun control debate on my Facebook page!
May
6
The 10 Types of People You’ll Meet in Russian 101
Here-Straight-From-Military Guy: Has probably already committed war crimes. Drinks water out of a milk-gallon container.
May
6
Quotes from Teaching Your Parents Zoom, or HAL from “2001: A Space Odyssey”?
“I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.”
May
6
Anthony Lane Reviews Life During COVID-19
"Furloughed Guy": The problem with Furloughed Guy isn't so much the "guy" as the "furlough." How long will it go on?
May
5
Happy Birthday to My Father, Who Is Not on Social Media and Thus Will Never See This
I’ll try to bring a present. But really, isn’t the inevitable boost in social clout you and I will get from this post worth more than any gift?
May
5
Historical April Events Reimagined during Coronavirus
Assassination of Abraham Lincoln - April 15, 1865: Play is cancelled and Lincoln lives through his second term, pursuing a new urban chic look.
May
5
I Am Your Houseplant and I Am Begging You to Leave Me Alone
For the last time, put the shears down and get a hobby already. Calligraphy. Magic. Something that doesn't involve innocent living things.
May
4
Conditions That Must Be Perfect for My Girlfriend and I to Have Sex
Phone ringer volume must be all the way down, so no one is distracted by a late call from Justin H. Each of us must be into our third Moscow Mule.
May
4
Love Tokens I Can Send My Boyfriend Instead of the Nudes He Keeps Asking For
My baby teeth set in a silver box / A vial of the tears I cried every time he asked me for nudes after I kept saying no
May
4
A Definitive List of Fruits Who Are Trying to Steal My Boyfriend
A Pair of Cantaloupes: Honestly I wasn’t going to say anything because it’s 2020, but come the fuck on cantaloupe.
May
3
Zoom Invitations from a Massively Unpopular Person
“Do you think this mole is changing colour?” So you didn’t come to the last meeting. The thing is that I’m really starting to worry about my health.
May
3
I’m the LEGO Brick on Your Carpet and if You Step on Me One More Time You’ll Be Swimming with the Fishes, Capiche?
You’ve got guts settin' foot on my turf. But if youse keep coming around, you’ll be the one with the instruction manual on how to piece you together.
May
2
The COVID-19 Job Board I Can’t Seem to Find
Make-Believe Star of Reality Show: Seeking creative self-starter who is delusional and lonely enough to pretend they are a contestant on reality TV.
May
2
Things I Wish My Boyfriend Pillow Could Do
Engage in an almost lyrical conversation about Laura Dern’s early work in Blue Velvet, noting its extreme qualities but necessary rise to canon.
May
2
How to Properly Dispose of a Worn or Damaged Barstool Sports Flag
If you spilled Narragansett on the flag upon learning the Joker wasn’t from New England or you ripped the flag when you heard Barstool writers were unionizing.
May
1
The Quarantine Cookbook: Easy Recipes for Your Favorite Staples
Oreos: So your kids are begging for America's favorite cookie? Lucky for you it couldn't be easier. First, begin by grabbing your titanium dioxide.
May
1
’90s HR Video Sexual Harasser or My Mom?
You have such nice legs. I’m glad you’re finally wearing something that shows them off. / You didn’t even notice my new slacks. Do you like them?
May
1
Well, Stranger, It Seems This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us, on Account of My Torso Mysteriously Growing Larger Every Time I Say the Word “Ain’t”
I ain't no pushover. Please don’t push me over---I’ve become extremely top-heavy. More so after that last thing I said about not bein’ no pushover.
Apr
30
Ken Burns Presents: Letters from the Privileged Quarantine Homefront
Dear Ma, It's bad out there. The Trader Joe's frozen aisle was completely decimated: no cauliflower crust pizza in sight.
Apr
30
Episode Guide to “Stockton and Malone: The Last Jazz Session”
Episode 4 – Karl Malone discovers the 3rd person POV literary device and begins using it in interviews. Stockton reinvigorates his Catholicism.
Apr
30
Attn Witches: Our Midsummer Coven Has Been Rescheduled for Tuesday, Nov 3
Disinfect your broom, too. We recommend a homemade flying potion made of opium poppies, spotted red mushrooms, and toad skins.
Apr
30
House Hunting Tips from a “Law & Order” Detective
You’re gonna want a place near bars, delis, and neighborhood laundromats. These are full of characters who will be furiously vague witnesses.
Apr
29
Close Your Eyes, Breathe, and Relax While This App Steals Your Stuff
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
Apr
28
The Six Differences between Andre the Giant and Louis Pasteur
Andre The Giant contributed significantly less to the collective knowledge of germ theory.
Apr
28
Donald and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Pandemic
At night, my bath was too hot, I got hand sanitizer in my eyes, and I had to isolate in my presidential railroad-train pajamas. I hate those pajamas!
Apr
28
William Shakespeare’s Long Lost Quarantine Drafts
"Sonnet 18, For My Dearest Netflix" Shall I compare thee to a blank brick wall? Thou art more lively and more intr’sting
Apr
27
United States Presidents vs. Swamp Rabbits
In 1903, Theodore Roosevelt announces an open boxing challenge to any willing swamp rabbit. In 1911, William Howard Taft eats a swamp rabbit.
Apr
27
Why We Decided to Keep Our PPP Loan
So why is Potbelly keeping your hard-earned taxpayer money? Because you all will fucking forget the second you’re allowed outside, that’s why.
Apr
26
Reinvented Yoga Poses for Self-Isolated Practitioners
There’s no point in waking up with the sun salutation / I drift through the days of the week like a cloud pose / DoorDash warrior pose
Apr
26
David Foster Wallace Titles That Describe Times David Foster Wallace Has Been Mansplained to Me
“I was reluctant to try Tinder, too. You never know what weirdos you might find. Anyway, I enjoyed reading my entire dissertation aloud to you."
Apr
25
Samuel Pepys Diary: 2020 Update
Lay very long in bed, enthralled by newly bequeathed Ozark. The Sickness, I hear, encreases in the towne much, and exceedingly everywhere.
Apr
25
Quarantine Sweatpants or Amazon Warehouse Worker?
Stretched to cover more area by upper management / Watches boss make the same mistakes day in and day out / Owned by Jeff Bezos
Apr
25
I Don’t Need a Stinking Dove to Tell Me When It’s Safe to Get Off This Godforsaken Ark
That mewing and hawing you’re hearing on the upper deck isn’t the 4 PM slop feeding. It’s a protest!
Apr
24
Sorry About the Ghost That Interrupted Our Zoom
It wasn’t my intention to shout “HOLY HELL MOTHER OF GOD LEAVE ME BE YOU WICKED BEAST!” as you went over our Planned vs. Actual.
Apr
24
Which Unqualified Doctor Said It? Pandemic Edition
"The virus's signature blend of 23 flavors is truly unique, which is why it was clearly made in a Chinese military lab." -Dr. Pepper
Apr
24
Please, I Just Want to Have a Normal Martial Arts Tournament
The Four Wings tournament is in no way, shape, or form, “to the death.” I really don’t know how people keep getting that impression.
Apr
23
Dos and Don’ts of Investing in Oil Right Now
DO invest in companies exploring alternative energy, such as General Electric (GE), Chevron (CVX), and my cousin’s cannabis farm, WEEDENERGY.
Apr
23
Miranda Rights? Come On, This Guy Is Such a Samantha
“You have the right to remain sexy, no matter how indeterminately older you are than your circle of close friends.” It’s just a number, people!
Apr
22
Impossibly Obscure TV Shows to Binge When, Oh God, You’ve Watched Literally Everything Else
The Altos (Ask Jeeves Deluxe): If Riverdale is Twin Peaks for teens, then The Altos is The Sopranos for people who barely know what television is.
Apr
22
The Women Modifying Workouts in Your Exercise Videos Are Unionizing
We will make our own at-home exercises—ones that won’t make you want to lay on your floor begging God or Satan for a moment of relief.
Apr
21
The Unfortunate Consequences of My Writing During the Time of COVID-19
Banners will fly, in all major cities, bearing my image and a few of my most famous words. There are so many.
Apr
21
I, The Sponge You’ve Had for Five Years, Am Officially Resigning
My figure has been reduced to that of a motel pillow and my once royal blue color has deteriorated to a baby blue at best.
Apr
20
Shelter-in-Place Shakespeare
KING LEAR How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child. Away, away! GONERIL I literally cannot leave.
Apr
20
A Taxonomy of North American Public Men’s Room Dick Drawings
Weak and easily preyed upon, the Sickly Spotted Woody Pecker has evolved to compensate for its innate physical disadvantages.
Apr
20
I Fear That, Due to Climate Change, There May Never Be Another 4/20/69
As everyone knows, 4/20/69 is the funniest possible date. After all, 420 is the weed thing and 69 is the sex thing. Imagine them... Combined!
Apr
19
Top-Rated Pastas to Eat at Home Alone During a Messy Divorce
You could try to explain bronze die-cut milling and how it creates a unique texture for holding sauce better, but there’s no need. Susan left you.
Apr
19
Rejected Malcolm Gladwell Books
Shut Up: How Talking Makes It Harder to Communicate and Causes Large Fires / Dogs: They Were Puppies Once / Losers: The Real Winners, Who Lost
Apr
19
Update to the Henchman Health and Benefits Plan
Gold Plus-tier now has copay-free pharmaceuticals to treat any gases or poisons accidentally released from the many easily accessible air vents.
Apr
18
Eating for the Stage and Screen
Everyone, take a look at Paula. Notice the thousand-yard stare in her eyes as she chews? See how she’s chewing on just the one side of her mouth?
Apr
18
Subscription Boxes of the Wild West
We accept many forms of currency, including gold bars, silver pesos, and buried treasure, provided it is accompanied by a map.
Apr
17
It’s Important That Teachers Come Together and Cyberbully Trevor, Who Has Always Been an Asshole
Or the time that he got the whole school to chant "Mr. O’Brien is a virgin" when I was doing announcements during the assembly?
Apr
17
Unnecessary Places Where Trump’s Signature Will Now Appear
After “FROM:” on the name tags of all wedding gifts / Embroidered on all weighted blankets / Baked into the crust of all apple pies
Apr
17
Let’s Pay People Literal Peanuts
It's critical that our employees can think outside of the box, accept a payment that comes from inside a box, while also living in a box.
Apr
16
How to Tell if You’re Having Coronavirus Symptoms or Simple Ketamine Withdrawal
In these trying times, it may be harder than ever to tell exactly why you feel like total shit when you wake up in the morning.
Apr
16
Waving Etiquette While Taking Walks During Coronavirus
The Influencer in a Louis Vuitton Surgical Grade Mask - sheepishly wave at the subject and post it on Twitter when you get home.
Apr
16
The Collected Chase Scenes of William Shakespeare
"A Comedy of Errors": Antipholus of Syracuse and Antipholous of Ephesus race in identical Fiats, comically thinking each one is chasing the other.
Apr
15
It’s Not a Multi-Level Marketing Scheme, We’re Robbing a Bank
Those schemes you see online always rely on poor saps buying whatever vitamin powder or skin cream you’re hawking. Ridiculous, right?
Apr
15
Alternatives to “An Abundance of Caution”
If we do nothing, the oft-employed phrase may die of exhaustion. Why not try "a conglomeration of carefulness" or "a wealth of wariness"?
Apr
15
Your Private Student Loan and COVID-19
We have been keeping your loan “sheltered in place” so that it grows at its 12% compounded rate.
Apr
14
Father, Why Hath Thou Forsaken Me, the Sock at the Back of the Drawer?
You refuse to wear me because of my stale odor but you refuse to wash me for I have not been worn! This chaotic torment tears my mind asunder!
Apr
14
Useful Quarantine Words in Other Languages
Ordemazão (Brazilian Portuguese) - Ordering a week's worth of pad see ew from the local Thai restaurant in order to meet their delivery minimum.
Apr
14
“Voluntary” Video Check-Ins with Our Newly Remote Workforce
Day 12, Check-In 74: There is simply no way for us to know just by looking at you that you haven’t brushed your teeth in days.
Apr
13
Chekhov Quotes, or Texts from Dad during a Global Pandemic?
There is nothing more awful, insulting, and depressing than banality. / We can’t watch Netflix if you’re already watching Netflix.
Apr
13
I’m the Lean Cuisine That’s Been in Your Freezer for 3 Months
I won’t shame you, it’s not my place. No, my place is to be an evolutionary step above paper. My role is to technically be food.
Apr
12
Things You Say When Trying to Get Your Partner to Give You an Orgasm, or When Trying to Get Your Toddler to Wash Their Hands?
No, you can’t go get a few toys. Last time you left them lying around and I had to clean them up. / Here, can I just… let me help you.
Apr
12
Zoinks! It’s the Scooby-Doo Easter Special
Shaggy interrupts Jesus to say that he is just like him: he doesn’t have bones, but rather, Scooby Snacks shaped like bones.
Apr
11
Other James Bond Titles
No Time to Die / I Don’t Wanna Die / Nobody Needs to Die, Here / Why Do You Have a Gun / You've Got the Wrong Person, Maybe
Apr
11
Horoscopes from Your Mother
As your Venus begins to fade you may be feeling like you're losing control of your life. A man can really help with that.
Apr
10
Opening Sentence Drafts for My Brand’s Coronavirus Email Blast
In these unprecedented times, / In these, let’s be real, horrifying times, / In these gay Oklahoman tiger overlord TV star times,
Apr
10
Reality Competition Shows for Complete Psychopaths
Project Runaway Train: Designers are placed on trains careening toward the edge of a cliff at groundbreaking speed.
Apr
9
It’s a Quarantine You Lazy Ass, Get to Work
Paint a Fresco - Sure the prep list is a bitch and wet lime plaster is a bear of a medium, but can you think of a better time to tackle the job?
Apr
9
Crafting Ideas While You Wait for the NY Unemployment Site to Load
Surgical Glove Popcorn Hand: Although this craft is usually popular around Halloween, time has no meaning right now, making it actually timely.