May
3
Effective Immediately, We Are Cancelling Our Mentor-Manatee Program
We are especially pleased to announce that one of our program participants was named one of “30 Under 30 Feet of Water.” (Best of luck, Bubbles!)
May
2
Our Neighborhood Watch Is Just a Guy Holding a Plastic Bag Watching Women Parallel Park
We dispatch a man with a plastic bag (full of loose Arizona iced teas) to stare at her so hard she gets the dry sweats.
May
1
Coping with Your Acquaintance’s Divorce
If your therapist asks you whether Jason is your father, calmly explain that he’s your college friend’s old roommate.
Apr
30
Dueling Tips from a Veteran Duelist
Judicial combat is a seminal moment and, with a record of 22-0 (humans) and 1-1 (trumpeter swan, with rematch), you’ve come to the right person for advice!
Apr
29
Even Cookie Monster Sick of Accepting All Cookies
That’s when Cookie Monster start to wonder, who real monster…
Apr
27
The Near-Future Dystopia in Which Everything Is Taylor Swift
I come downstairs and kiss my wife, Taylor Swift, and ruffle the hair of my son, Taylor Swift.
Apr
26
Everyone Is Inherently Worthy of Love, Respect, and Belonging—Except for You
My metaphysical hands are tied. It’s up to the collective hearts and minds of all that have been, that are, and that have yet to be.
Apr
25
The Trick-Question Section of the Student Aptitude for Withstanding Testing Anxiety Admission Test
John feels that trick questions on standardized tests are A) Necessary, B) Vexing, C) Forgromulent, or D) A word we made up just to trick John?
Apr
24
We Will Be Filming on Your Street Tomorrow for a Show That You and All Your Friends Will Really Hate!
The main characters will be named Tad, Morglee, Suppa, and Caldwater. They are all incredibly hot but still unpleasant to look at.
Apr
23
Help, It’s Your King! I’m Trapped and Will Surely Burn Alive Unless You Download This Mobile Game and Match Blocks by Similar Color and Shape!
I said similar color blocks. No, SIMILAR color! What the hell, are you stupid or something?
Apr
22
FAQ About ExxonMobil’s Plant-a-Tree Pledge
For every barrel of oil sold, a mid-level sales associate enters a tally mark into a Google spreadsheet.
Apr
20
I Am Proof That Neuralink Works!
Soon we'll live in a world where Neuralink will let us surf the internet just by thinking about it and bleeding from our eyes.
Apr
19
The Devil Is Known by Many Names—No, Seriously, Many Names
Anti-Christ. Bizarro-God. The Divinaughty. Providen’t. The horn in horny. The original Pitchfork Media. The devil you know.
Apr
18
Hey Google, Play “Baby Shark” Again—and Again
Hey Google, search “affordable therapists near me,” and please read the results to the tune of “Baby Shark.”
Apr
17
Eight Bowling Alley Animations That I Regret Making for PinBuddies Entertainment Between 2000 and 2010
Later I realized the pins shouldn’t have had an extended death sequence where they struggle on the ground pleading for their life.
Apr
16
Dear Applicant, My God What Have We Done?
We regret to inform you we won't be able to offer you a position at this time. We'll always wonder what could have been.
Apr
15
The Restaurant Website That Makes It Impossible to Find Its Menu
Our menu? Menu…. Oh, the "menu"! Yes, sorry, didn’t follow what you meant at first. We can’t remember the last time someone actually asked for that.
Apr
13
8 Roles My Stepdad Can Play in My Life Now That My Mom Has Finalized Their Divorce
A bank teller overeager to waive overdraft fees on my debit card in an attempt to maintain our relationship.
Apr
12
Updating Romantic Comedy Tropes for Modern Times
Two friends book a cabin with two beds on Airbnb, but upon arriving they realize the second bed is actually a yoga mat with a blanket and pillow.
Apr
11
Congrats, You’ve Made It to the Majors
It’s not all caviar and champagne; just some of it--like 40 percent. SHUT UP! Don’t speak. I have a lot to say.
Apr
10
For the Last Time, I’m Selling My “For Sale” Sign, Not My House
I do take issue with whoever claimed the domain liveauctionfor115belleview.net and started an all-out bidding war for my family’s home.
Apr
9
Are You Going to Grad School for the Right Reasons?
If you have an insatiable lust for owing thousands of dollars to a university, then don't let other people's warnings slow you down.
Apr
8
Bruce Springsteen Lyrics Mad Libs
You know what rips you to shreds? [synonym for life]. [slang term for a woman in the 1970s], let’s get married.
Apr
6
I Am More than My Silly Socks
Somewhere along the way, every single person I’ve ever known got the idea that silly socks were the thing I cherished most.
Apr
5
Job Listings, Translated
“Candidates should be comfortable with ambiguity.” Translation: We have no idea what’s going on.
Apr
4
I Have Googled “Foot Pain” and Regret to Inform You That I Am Dying
After an extensive journey of self-learning which some have called a “downward spiral,” it is obvious this agony is a rare inoperable cystic cancer.
Apr
3
Lesser-Known Chess Openings
- Queenside Tuscaloosa - DeVry-Phoenix Main Line - The Jay Leno Trap
Apr
3
I Refuse to Consider Myself a Choking Victim
If you pat me on the back, I’d prefer to feel like it’s because I earned it.
Apr
2
I’m William Shakespeare and I Wrote All Those Famous Lines Because They Would Look Really Cool on Fridge Magnets
But all that really matters is how you can sell a bunch of kitchen knives on Etsy by starting a company called "Julius Caesar Knives."
Apr
1
The Room Where Everyone Talks About You Behind Your Back
Every Tuesday during that weird evening time slot where nobody you call picks up we’ve been coming here to air out our grievances away from you.
Mar
30
The Viral Essay Making the Case for Marrying a First Grader (When You’re in Kindergarten)
When I was four, I knew I was in my prime. Solidly potty trained, only three teeth missing, able to draw both unicorns and school buses.
Mar
29
Yes, I Put Pineapple on My Pizza, Sue Me
What business is it of yours if I put mango in my risotto? Hm?
Mar
28
Letter to the Elusive BrätBus™: Why Do You Hate Our Wonderful Midwestern City?
You’re telling us that our beloved home--a place where many Hagen-Hogan BrätBoy Brats™ have been happily consumed--isn’t worth your time?
Mar
27
No Fair! Kevin Had His Growth Spurt and Now He’s 45 Feet Tall
Kevin’s voice sounds like Dad’s. Except it cracks walls and sets off car alarms, and also he accidentally stepped on a school bus.
Mar
26
I’m Proud to Announce I’ve Been Selected to Pay for a Full-Ride Scholarship to the University of Business Online
While UBO might not be part of the “Ivy League,” it is part of something called the “Platinum Preferred Double Points Club."
Mar
25
An Updated Pricing List for My Emotional Labor
Stranger Tier: The stranger package has been updated to eliminate basic greetings and small talk.
Mar
23
Hey Babe, How Would You Feel About… A Twosome?
A ménage à deux, so to speak. After all, the only thing better than sex with nobody is sex with somebody.
Mar
22
Journal Entries from a Hotmail Survivor
Day 2,121: In my book, only cowards change their email when a better and more convenient option becomes available.
Mar
21
Hemingway’s “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn” After He Was Told It Had to Hit a 500-Word Minimum
The man thought of all the places he had seen “For Sale” signs. He had seen them in boutiques and department stores and flea markets.
Mar
20
I Am a Real Person, With Real Feelings, With a Real 48-Foot Medieval Trebuchet
A childhood love of swords became an adulthood of arguing with my spouse about turning our foyer into a showroom of my medieval cutlery collection.
Mar
19
After Credit Scenes from the Bible
And she did reply, "No, they are of no concern to us. Let them wander in the desert. We shall begin… Project Babylon."
Mar
18
Job Listing for a Company That Does Things Hella Different
If you care deeply about results and have at least four buddies named Tyler, we can’t wait to meet you.
Mar
16
Thoughts from My Yearly Run
I’m not stalling, I swear, I just need to Google best-stretches-running-question-mark.
Mar
15
What I Think I’ll Find in My Inbox When I Compulsively Check My Email 50 Times a Day
Dear Future Pulitzer Winner: Out of our hundreds of submissions, not a single one has the cachet to pull our magazine out of the pit of tedium.
Mar
14
We’re the Bank That Acquired Your Bank and You Have to Trust Us
Trust is more than just a word to us—it's a word we now use twice in our name. See how trustworthy we are?
Mar
13
You’ve Earned a University Achievement!
As you level up, possible life paths include True Crime Podcasting and Stay-At-Home Child.
Mar
12
Mad Libs for a Best-Selling Romantasy Epic
Now, there was another creature I longed to ride, ____________ [normal man’s name except all vowels replaced with Ys].
Mar
11
Listen, Cat: I’m Not the Out-Of-Control Infant You Once Knew
Look, I know I’ve made mistakes in the past. The kicking. The jabbing. The grabbing. I was a real loose cannon there for a while.
Mar
9
Please Stop Doing Crimes in Our CubeSmart
I’ll cut to the chase-Please stop running blackjack tables out of the CubeSmart.
Mar
8
Shut Up, Antidiabetic Medicine Jardiance®, Just Shut Up—You Had Me at “Serious Side Effects Can Include Necrotizing Fasciitis”
I'll never forget how safe you made me feel, the way you blocked the SGLT2 found in the proximal tubules of nephrotic components in my kidneys.
Mar
7
SOS! The Titanic Is Sinking and the Band Won’t Play Any Requests
Say… you there, clinging to the railing for dear life: would you like to hear some facts about jazz?
Mar
6
Everybody Loves Raymond, Got It?
Every one of His punchlines, every expression He makes to elicit a laugh must be met with an unequivocal, unmistakable outburst. Or else.
Mar
5
What I Think People Will See When They Do My Background Check
We found out that for a whole six months of junior year you got really, really into Doctor Who and Sherlock. Like, fanfiction level.
Mar
4
I Am the Coolest Guy at the Office
I end every email with “cheers.” My keys are on a carabiner attached to my belt. I call Easter “Zombie Jesus day.”
Mar
2
Five Grueling Core Exercises That Are Still Easier than Openly Expressing Emotions
Feelings of guilt and shame will give you the boost you need to keep on crunching. Your core will thank you!
Mar
1
Everything I Missed Out On While My Glasses Were Fogged Up
The “Seat Yourself” sign in a totally empty restaurant, so I stood awkwardly at the host stand for 15 minutes.
Feb
29
FAQ About Giggles ‘N Scales, Florida’s Only Combination Daycare and Alligator Sanctuary
Q: What’s keeping gators from the kids? A: Nothing! Your kids can get up close and personal with our alligators.
Feb
28
It’s AT&T, We Apologize for Thursday’s Outage and Also Why Won’t You Talk to Me?!
11:45 PM: Really starting to get worried. 12:12 AM: Are you mad at us? 1:37 AM: Did you block us?
Feb
27
We Only Dumped Toxic Waste in Your Drinking Water to Raise Awareness of Hazardous Dumping
Remember: if our competitors are not fined out of existence, then your friends and neighbors died for nothing.
Feb
26
How to Do the Perfect Squat
Popular squat varietals include Back Squats, Front Squats, and Boot Cut.
Feb
26
Did You Have to Invite Your Foley Artist Friends to Our Dinner Party?
Now every time I walk, they thump a loafer on a piece of linoleum. I mean dammit, their timing is perfect but you know I’m sensitive about my gait.
Feb
24
What Your Behavior at a Sit-Down Concert Says About You
Clapping along: You’re confident. Some would say overconfident. Holding up a lighter: You have a peace sign bumper sticker on your car.
Feb
23
The Three Laws of Robotics, If Isaac Asimov Had Led a Different Life
The Laws of Robotics, if Isaac Asimov was really into Partying: A robot must not harsh the vibe, or by inaction, allow the vibe to be harshed.
Feb
22
If LinkedIn Existed During Biblical Times
HIRING: One male and one female of every animal. Please submit a cover letter explaining why you are the most qualified/fertile of your species.
Feb
21
Restrictions to the Office’s Communal Robert’s Motorcycle
Please do not straddle the beast unless you have experience wielding crotch rockets of NASA caliber.
Feb
20
What to Say If Someone Offers You a Cigarette
I don’t want my future to go up in smoke. Sam is always watching. I don’t want to risk my chances of getting into a good college. Or my standing with Sam.
Feb
19
Out-Of-Office Message from Someone Who Doesn’t Trust Their Team
Although, if I’m honest, Amanda has horrible email etiquette. One time she shared her screen during a meeting and I saw 12,000 unread emails.
Feb
17
The Worst Surfaces for a Dramatic Pre-Sex Desk Sweep
The second to-scale Lego diorama you have built in the last two weeks of the entire Chicago skyline.
Feb
16
For God’s Sake! Why Are You All Still Ordering Our Spiciest Wings That Have Put 27 in Comas?!
We are strongly discouraging any food vloggers, frat bros, or any self-proclaimed "spice fiends" from coming to Tony’s Tavern (off I-85, exit 17).
Feb
15
What I Think Will Happen When I Become a Runner
My face won’t get all red and puffy, instead, it will take on a healthy glow, so much so that I will no longer need to wear makeup ever again.
Feb
14
Of Course I’m Taking Valentine’s Day Seriously, I Rented “Margin Call”
I’m talking secrets. Intrigue. Betrayal. A young Penn Badgley. Oh, yeah. I rented "Margin Call." What do you mean, “What’s that?”
Feb
13
Things Everyone Else Should Give Up for Lent This Year
My downstairs neighbors should give up on the thing they call a “heavy metal bagpipes band.”
Feb
12
Hurry! For a Limited Time Only, YOU Could Be the Next Owner of Our Exclusive Family Heirloom Ring!
Act now to receive a lifetime of resentment from the rest of our family.
Feb
10
Newspapers, According to Their Titles
"The New York Times" -- It’s 4:00 on Broadway. It’s also 4:00 on 81st Street.
Feb
9
Cancel Your Gym Membership in Three Easy Steps and One Impossible Minotaur Fight
Step Three: Click the “Confirm Cancel Membership” Button. Step Four: Unsheath that broadsword, foolish mortal!
Feb
8
Welcome to the Writing Workshop Where We Don’t Write
Give in to this workshop not by writing, but by taking turns asking for more condiments, plates, and silverware as I stash them in my purse.
Feb
7
Ten Grapes I Ate Anyway
Grape that went under the refrigerator: I swear it bounced off my knee and shot directly under the fridge.
Feb
6
I’m a Matriarch in a Play, and I’m Sure Nothing Bad Will Happen at My Family Gathering
Awfully hot day, isn’t it? It’s always hot here in the summers, but we make do. That’s what the Edgar family does. We make do.
Feb
5
Five Turtles You Saved to Get into College and the Spine-Chilling Deaths They’ve Died Since
From the moment you looked into Doris's eyes, you knew that your father's assistant who majored in Comp Lit at Yale would find the right words to describe them.
Feb
3
I’m an Elite Professional Quarterback, but My Coaches Don’t Trust Me with the Team’s Tablet
When I switched to the New York Times mini-crossword they yelled at me again---and put child locks on so I could only look at replays.
Feb
2
The Enemy of My Enemy
The enemy of my massage therapist, Janet, is her husband, Ricky. That’s no coincidence. They married young when they were so naïve.
Feb
1
Don’t Be Alarmed, This Rollercoaster Is Designed to Get Stuck Upside Down for 75 Minutes
Everyone keeps crying out that the ride is malfunctioning once the coaster is hanging perilously upside down. It’s an intense ride.
Jan
31
Inspiring Adages Reimagined by a 36-Year-Old Writer-Slash-Server
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Because you will never, and I mean never, have central air conditioning.
Jan
30
Negotiations from a Hostage Negotiator Who Clearly Has Some Stuff Going On at Home
How many of the hostages are in relationships? 12? Do they seem like they’re happy?
Jan
29
Are You a Human Sending a Circle Back Email, or an Alien Making a Crop Circle?
Your message may simply be too sophisticated to be understood by lower life forms.
Jan
29
Monologue from the Rat You Made Eye Contact With
I was born here and I’ll die here and so will 500 of my brothers and sisters. You moved to New York City to go to NYU and major in bisexuality.
Jan
27
Easy “Would You Rather…” Questions to Ponder
Would you rather be sentenced to death for something you didn’t do or have a rock in your shoe?
Jan
26
How to Tell If That Beeping Noise Means Your Fridge Is Slightly Ajar or You’re Slowly Dying of Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
A Subtle Jingle Ascending in Scale: Your Bluetooth headphones are alerting you to a dying battery with a gentle cry for sustenance.
Jan
25
Now That I’m Dead, I Totally Understand Your 1-Star Reviews of My Poorly-Managed Graveyard
I’m dead (claw machine accident, I’m sure it was in the papers) and now that I’ve spent enough time floating around, I’m ready to respond.
Jan
24
I’ve Written the Best, or Quite Possibly the Worst, Novel Ever
It’s the very best thing I’ve ever written. Or, it’s the worst book ever typed into existence. Which one it is, I can’t say for sure.
Jan
23
It’s Me, Your Healing Crystal, May I Have a Word?
When you cupped me in your hands and held me up to the light, I thought, “Okay, geologist!” I was excited to go home with you.
Jan
22
Plans for the Jazz Party I’m Throwing My Five-Year-Old Son
Guests are forbidden from bringing presents. Jazz is a gift in itself.
Jan
20
Sit Back, Relax, and Enjoy the Flight in Between My Nonstop Announcements
6:45 AM: Wind speed in the air is currently ten miles per hour, which is something only relevant to me.
Jan
19
Click Here to Opt Out of Selling Your Data to the Hovering Orb
Allowing us to sell your data helps us serve you ads relevant to your interests. Also, the orb is ravenous.
Jan
18
Mount Sinai Hospital Labor and Delivery Unit Class of January ’24 Reunion
Yeah, Mama and I have been good. Just the daily grind, trying to bang out those milestones. You know how it is. Starting to roll over, yep.
Jan
17
Victorian-Era Erotica
Period pieces you may or may not have heard of, including Ringlets Weekly, Knees!, and Hats Off Magazine.
Jan
17
Our Committee Welcomes Fresh Ideas, as Long as They Don’t Conflict with Windowpane Smashing Festival
Holding a fair after the Windowpane Smashing Festival wouldn’t work either because, well, the windowpanes are all smashed, obviously.
Jan
16
An Internal Monologue as I Navigate My Office’s Open Floorplan
70 ft: Screw it, I’m just going to wave. Social norms be damned! 65 ft: Shit, he’s definitely not looking at me.
Jan
15
You Shouldn’t Have Messed with a Philosopher, and I’ll Prove It from First Principles
That’s right, I’d be afraid if I were you too. Afraid of having my actions held up to intellectually rigorous ethical scrutiny!
Jan
13
This Obituary Does Not Give a Cause of Death, but Wouldn’t You Love to Know
An avid motorcycle rider, Ben loved the freedom of the road. And before you jump to conclusions, no, that’s not how he died.