1. You Have Not Removed Your Gremlins DVD From the Vault Behind the Painting in The East Wing of Your Mansion
This is a classic trick. If you are unsure if you are watching the movie Gremlins, the first thing you should do is run over to the far east-side of your estate and make sure your 25th anniversary DVD edition of Gremlins is right where it should be, next to your 25th anniversary Blu-ray disk edition of Gremlins inside a titanium lock box permanently concreted into the wall behind your priceless Rembrandt.
Sure, you could have had your butler or fiancé check for this, but to really make sure you are not watching Gremlins, it is best if you do it yourself! And, as you are checking, you may even realize how much your East Wing desperately needs some sort of Gremlins painting, and then decide to order one! It is a win-win situation.
2. You Have Chained Yourself to A Tree in The Same Fashion A Man Who Was Turning into A Werewolf Would
You have told your butler Buckley to lock and chain you, making sure you are tightly secured to the old plum tree out past the sugarcane mill, far from any electronics that could be showing the movie Gremlins.
You are there for many hours until you hear the voice of a woman asking you if you are alright as she unlocks the chains. It is your fiancé, and you have important “wedding stuff” to do.
3. Think About It Like This, If You Were Watching Gremlins Right Now, Wouldn’t You Be Wearing Your Gremlins Tuxedo?
Everyone knows you can’t watch the blessed film Gremlins without being dressed to the nines in your Gremlins Tuxedo. A simple, jet black suit with bow tie, cane and top hat. As well as spats and monocle. You’re not wearing that outfit at all right now, so it is impossible to be enjoying the great film Gremlins!
4. You Could Not Possibly Be Watching Gremlins Right Now, For It Is Sunday And You Are in Church!
Watching Gremlins? What…now? Impossible! It is Sunday morning mass! You are not here to watch a group of renegade monsters terrorize a small community, you are here strictly to hear the pastor deliver his sermon!
5. You Are Not Watching Gremlins Right Now, Because You Are Too Busy Reenacting Scenes from the Film with Buckley
It is impossible to both watch the scenes and then relive them in your mansion with your only friend and butler, Buckley! No, you must watch the scene, then pause the movie, plot the scene to scale, make sure he knows his cues and marks and then act it out. There is far too much going on to continue to watch the movie during a recreation.
6. It’s Your Wedding Day
Even though you begged your soon to be wife to let you have the fantastic film, Gremlins, play on a sheet which would cover the stain glass windows in the church during the ceremony, she was adamantly against it, and even seemed appalled you would ask.
Now, fair warning, this one may be a little confusing, because even though you are wearing your Gremlins Tuxedo, you are not watching Gremlins. The tuxedo (today only) means you are getting married. To help with this I wrote a handy mnemonic device:
Tuxedo at home? You got Gremlins in your dome
Tuxedo at the altar? Your name might as well be Walter!
7. You Can’t Be Watching Gremlins Right Now Because You Are Watching Gremlins 2: The New Batch
Your new wife tells you that you watch the 1984 original movie Gremlins, “too much” and that it is creepy to watch it that many times all alone. So instead you have opted for the choice to watch the 1990 sequel, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, because marriage is all about compromises.
8. All the TVs Are Smashed in Your House and You Lost Your Portable DVD Player
Your so-called “loving” wife has ended the marriage after just one short month for no apparent reason! She has stormed out and destroyed all the televisions in your home out of rage! Just as she leaves the manor, you laugh to yourself because you know she has forgotten about your portable DVD pla…what’s this?! Oh no! You have misplaced it! Blast! It must be in the pew where you sat last Sunday morning during mass!
9. You Are Saying Goodbye to Buckley As He Boards the Plane Back to England
You try and hug him goodbye, but he stops you saying this has been the worse job experience of his life. It is at this moment you know, for sure, you are not watching Gremlins, because the critically acclaimed horror/comedy movie has never made you feel such sadness.
10. You’re Busy Walking Around Alone in A Now Completely Empty Manor
Seemingly cursed to walk around the estate alone, forever, you weep and moan in your despair of loneliness. Suddenly, you hear a thud from your home’s vintage, front door knockers. You arrive, seeing a beautiful woman in a United States Postal Service uniform holding up the painting of Gizmo you ordered, what seemed to be lifetimes ago.
“Hello,” she says, “did you order the Gremlins painting.”
You stand there waiting to correct her, but she interrupts.
“Well, actually, my bad. This technically isn’t a Gremlin, yet… it's a mogwai.”
She giggles. “Sorry, I kind of love this movie. Did you know Gizmo is voiced by…”
“HOWIE MANDEL,” you both say at the same time.
Your eyes lock as you both stand there, smiling.