1. Jiffy Lube now Jiffy Probe.
2. Alien Taco Bell clerks who communicate telepathically and therefore know exactly what you want with no possibility of misunderstanding still somehow manage to screw up your order.
3. Alien-controlled new car dealerships now offer only one color: silver.
4. Alien movie critics pan Star Trek leads Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto as unrealistic. “Come on, they just have one penis each. Are you fucking kidding me?”
5. Mixed human/alien children are eleven feet tall, weigh 500 pounds, and will crush your scull with their vise-like tentacles if you tell them to “clean your room.”
6. Insufferable alien president ironically promises to build wall to keep out aliens.
7. Impossible to keep enough Tang on shelves at Walmart.
8. Typical Tinder ad: “Sentient being for procreative processes. Have bbt (*tentacle). Andromeda-free and have car. I enjoy fine dining, long walks in the moonlight, and destroying civilizations of other worlds with gamma radiation.”
9. LensCrafters laughs at you for having two eyes and informs you of six-week wait for special order shipping.
10. Just when the Facebook notifications about all your friends laying eggs finally slow to a trickle, here come the fucking baby pics of gelatinous larvae.
11. In Touch Weekly names nitrogen-cooled cyclops “sexiest being alive,” sending Keanu Reeves into deep clinical depression.
12. Snooty-ass alien waiters insult you because you can’t read the wine list in Klingon.
13. Just try getting a cold-blooded, reptilian heat/AC repair being on a weekend. Let me know how that goes for you.
14. Complicated black handshakes now much more complex and difficult due to number of appendages involved.
15. Alien proctologists seem to enjoy their work just a little too much and tend to order unnecessary colonoscopies.
16. Only Glade air freshener scents: Methane, Chlorine.
17. Divorces are much more expensive as they involve interplanetary legal counsel and supporting your spouse “in the manner to which they have become accustomed” can involve a house-sized tank of supercooled argon gas.
18. Getting “eaten” on a date is no longer a good thing.
19. Pasta dishes at Olive Garden are now designed to be absorbed directly into your intestines by rubbing them on your abdomen.
20. Additional options for places to put $1 bill for alien strippers can get confusing.
21. Cockroaches now most dominant Earth life forms. The 3% of humans who survived nuclear blasts must tweet “I love you, alien overlords” 30 times per day or face immediate execution.