Perked up on coffee, the elevator stopped at Floor 20. 2021 walked out into the bustling open-floor plan in a WeWork he heard so much about.
“Yo! You must be the new year!?” said 2020, seeming to come out of nowhere. “Welcome to Calendar Corp, I’ll be training you today. How are you feeling so far?”
“Nervous, but excited,” said 2021.
“Well, good thing is, man, you know the end date to your tenure. That’s what keeps me going,” 2020 said.
2021 was entering Calendar Corp in unprecedented times. He wasn’t expected to be responsible for the Summer Olympics either. 2021 knew he had 12 months to pull this off, he just wanted to make sure he fit in.
“So, the culture at Cal Corp. is unlike any other.” 2020 started off the discussion. “Hours are really long, so, you know we like to blow off some steam. Sometimes it’s a volcano erupting or it’s us drinking so much White Claw that we cause a shortage like when ‘19 was in charge.”
“I do love Lime,” 2021 croaked, still overwhelmed with the challenge of following in 2020’s footsteps.
“I know you’re wondering, what are the perks? The Bennys! That’s what I call benefits,” 2020 said. “You get zero vacation days, zero sick days, and you’re expected to work holidays.”
“And here’s your workspace, complete with a desk calendar. I always forget about daylight savings time.” 2020 said. “Ready for your job responsibilities?”
This was what 2021 was nervous about. When 2021 applied last February, he thought it would just be like other entry-level calendar jobs, but he wasn’t so sure anymore given the state of the industry.
“So, you’re responsible for killing beloved celebrities. A big celebrity I missed this year was Jackie Chan.”
“Jackie Chan? From Rush Hour?” 2021 said in disbelief.
“Rush Hour 1, 2, and 3! There’re so many hoaxes about his death, I might as well just finish him off, right?” said 2020, winking.
“Yeah, totally,” 2021 said, hoping he had made the right decision in assuming there wouldn’t be a Rush Hour 4.
“Hey, you just made your first managerial decision! Don’t worry, it gets easier. Unless the boss Father Time wants to kill off Betty White your year, you’ll be fine. Speaking of, let’s talk about goals for next year.”
2021 gulped. If he had to get rid of the last Golden Girl, would anyone be able to forgive him?
“Father Time and I sat down at the Decade Kickoff on New Year’s Eve last year and had a brainstorming sesh about what I wanted to accomplish this year. First Kobe, then WW3, the Australian fires, you could say I was ON fire, huh?” 2020 cackled.
“Ha ha,” 2021 forced himself to utter.
“But, even with all that, I brought KPI’s like client morale and hope to an all-time low before the end of Q1 with the COVID-19 project. You won’t be expected to do all that right out the get-go, but don’t be afraid to shoot high despite being new,” 2020 said.
2021 nodded furiously. The shoes he was expected to fill seemed to grow a few sizes larger.
“Unfortunately, there’s gonna be projects I started that I won’t have time to finish by New Year’s Eve. So your first task will be to finish up the–”
“Pandemic?”
“Whoaaaa, there! Already so eager to hit the ground running! The pandemic’s an ongoing project that will likely get renewed for a few years. You’ll get to champion the vaccine project.”
2021 panicked. “I thought it took two years to develop and 2022 was going to, uh, champion that?”
“Ha! Good one. I started work on the vaccine situation my year and you’ll have to deal with it early on in your role. Some clients won’t want to get the vaccine, so you’ll have to deal with the higher-ups like God, politicians, and Oprah.”
2021 thought this seemed like a lot to tackle for a position labeled entry-level on Indeed.
“Now that that’s all settled, I say it’s time to meet the team you’ll be managing! Over here’s January, he’s our Energizer Bunny here who gets everyone hyped to kick off the year,” 2020 pointed to a Patagonia vest-clad year who was doing pull-ups at his office door.
“February’s over there having sex in his cubicle again, hey February! Cut that out, or I’ll have to call HR on you again,” 2020 winked. “All the quarantine months are all hanging out by the foosball table. Between you and me, they’ve been slacking.”
“November and December are on PTO again, big shocker! When they’re in, though, they like to play their music. Hope you like Bublé,” 2020 added.
“So that’s the team!” 2020 said. “Have any questions?”
“Where can I put my two weeks in?”