- For passenger convenience, vomit/non-vomit cars available.
- As part of TSA exchange program, security officers perform preemptive strip searches at homes of prospective passengers.
- As density of mass of human flesh on 7:25 a.m. #6 train reaches 1 quintillion kilograms per cubic meter, disrupting the integrity of Midtown space-time continuum, NASA conducts physics experiments in simulated core of Sun.
- Now out of work, alcoholic, clinically-depressed Thomas the Train is temporary sub on #4 line.
- In interest of eliminating middleman, DIY ninja weapons available for passengers to mug themselves.
- As part of white collar drug treatment program, baristas serve delicious liquid methadone lattes on G train.
- Every other Thursday, all trains operate in reverse in observance of system-wide Backwards Day.
- Wait, who’s that always personable, dapper guy with a camera crew interviewing seniors about service improvements on the platform of the 7:25 a.m. #6 train? By golly, it’s none other than popular NBC personality Al Rok– (massive, gazelle-like blur of humanity moving as one obliterates vision, leaving only bloody pulp behind)
- Mayor de Blasio designates Lexington Ave. line for transport of his Mexican hairpiece to staging area near City Hall.
- Dedicated art history major line running express service from NYU coffee shop/Greek deli to Museum of Modern Art. Expected to generate millions in revenue that would otherwise go to Subaru-owning Uber drivers.
- In response to intellectual property suit filed by sandwich conglomerate, name changed to “underground train system formerly known as subway.” By the way, a foot-long cold cut combo is just $8.99 on Wednesday.
- MTA vs. Bay Area Rapid Transit. Ultimate Grudge Match. Friday. Meadowlands Arena. Be there. This time it’s personal. For tickets visit www.ticketmaster.com
- Entire New York City subway system replaced with Folger’s crystals.
- NASA develops Star Trek-like molecular disintegration/reintegration teleportation technology, rendering subway obsolete. Only snag: director of project is Jeff Goldblum.
- Free 19-piece cookware set under each seat courtesy of Oprah Winfrey.
- New ad campaign: “Just like Hell, only in mobile form.”
- Payment options: Cash, Credit, Debit, Denny’s Gift Card, SNAP, Mongolian Savings Bonds, Bloody Sacrifice to Aztec Sun God, Bitcoin, Your Eternal Soul, PayPal.
- Taking C train between hours of midnight and 3 a.m. can be used in lieu of Commando Survival Training module for Navy SEAL training program.
- Strolling accordionists on every car.
- Seats ergonomically designed by retired North Korean death camp commandant.
- As if #16 wasn’t good enough, additional retro ad campaign: “Go MTA, and leave the projectile vomiting to us!”
- Pick- and shovel-wielding ghosts of early 20th century subway construction workers perform production numbers from Hello, Dolly! nightly at Broadway-Lafayette St. Station. For tickets visit www.ticketmaster.com
- Free bobbleheads of MTA chief Joseph Lhota for the kids!
- A-line now offering express service to LAX with only one short stop at Chicago O’Hare.
- New MTA commercial features Bradley Beal slam dunking Doritos and Mountain Dew.
- L-line replaced with 20-mule team from 1st Avenue to Jefferson St.
- 20-mule team serving L-line replaced with kayaks due to PETA concerns.
- Kayaks replacing 20-mule team serving L-line replaced with hansom cabs due to stretch of raging white water.
- Hansom cabs replacing kayaks replacing 20-mule team on L-line replaced with Subaru-owning Uber drivers due to further PETA concerns.
- Uber Technologies Inc. assimilates remainder of subway system. “Uber: evolving the way the world moves, bitches.”
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