Picture this: you’re by yourself at a Madame Tussauds wax museum and you’re having a blast. This is a Tuesday afternoon for the books. Everything you could ever want is all in this one place: wax figures, air conditioning, security guards who yell at you for trying to give the wax figures water, even though they look thirsty. Suddenly, the memory of how your daughter won’t speak to you comes creeping back into your consciousness and your amazing afternoon is ruined. No amount of selfies you take with a dead-eyed approximation of Sylvester Stallone can shake this feeling. Luckily, you’re wearing your leather jacket and the satisfaction it gives you is strong enough to bury any feelings of guilt you may hold because about your shortcomings as a father.
You may not be able to get your daughter to take your calls, but fortunately, you can look good trying. Here are four leather jackets that are guaranteed to turn the heads of everyone except for your daughter.
Biker Jacket
If you like walking into a room and hearing people say, “Uh oh, here comes the big bad boy! Big and bad in equal measure. Trouble is indeed afoot when he arrives,” this jacket is for you. Marlon Brando famously wore this style in The Wild One, but he was later jailed for being deemed “too sexy” and died in prison.
Despite its name, you don’t need to be driving a motorcycle to wear a biker jacket. You can wear it anywhere. Say you’re planning to go to the library to use their computer so you can online shop for a new Under Armour shooting sleeve (you don’t really need it, but you like to wear one at all times on the off chance the kids who shoot hoops at the park that you walk by every day challenge you to a game of pickup). This jacket is perfect for that. The only thing you can’t wear it to is your grandson’s birthday party because your daughter has made it clear you are not welcome there.
Racer Jacket
This minimal, casual-looking jacket was originally designed in the 1960s for children to wear so that they would look less tasty (paranoia over children-eating witches was at an all-time high during this period in history). However, adults liked the jackets so much, they started making them in larger sizes. Eventually, race car drivers who wanted to be sweatier behind the wheel sought them out and the jackets became colloquially known as “racer jackets” or “speedy fast boy” jackets. The style is very flattering, particularly if you have broad shoulders. Just don’t expect it to impress your daughter, who still harbors resentment over the fact that you cheated on her mother and abandoned the family when she was a child.
Bomber Jacket
Worn by WWII pilots in hopes that enemy pilots would be so impressed that they would pull their planes over and ask where they could get one for themselves (thus putting an end to the war), this is an absolute classic. It’s the kind of thing that will make a girl go, “Homnina homina homina! Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar! Aooga!” As long as that girl isn’t your daughter, of course. Last time you emailed her (a link to a YouTube video entitled “MARIAH CAREY MOST EPIC FAILS,” which you captioned, “lol not sure if you like Mariah Carey or not but I thought this was funny”), the message bounced right back, making it obvious she had blocked your address. Ironically, this was more epic of a fail than any of those committed by Ms. Carey in the aforementioned video.
Field Jacket
If you think that this beauty’s distinctive multiple front pockets and functional approach to style will aid in your attempt to rebuild the toxic relationship between you and your daughter, buddy, you’ve got another thing coming. But if you’re looking for something that will keep you warm and looking great, get your checkbook out because this is an essential purchase. This jacket is sure to make you feel confident, which you’ll want to feel after a long, wistful morning of gazing out your window and hoping your daughter is doing well, wherever she may be.
Also, the boys in your rotary club are going to think it looks fucking sick.