I know what you’re thinking: simple little wildling girl. Up there north of the wall, gathering, distilling, and bottling herbs like her life depends on it. Well guess what? It does.
It’s really quite straightforward. My family has opted to use safe, pure, conscientious, natural remedies for generations. People south of the wall, on the other hand, seem happy mindlessly ingesting milk of the poppy. Leeching. Gulping down sangria like it’ll cure greyscale. And even this far north, we’ve heard rumors of Red Priests who can bring people back from the dead. Well, bully for them. But that kind of hocus pocus can’t be replicated with any real certitude. My kind of healing, however, is backed by science. Yes indeed, essential oils can change the way you manage your health, and the way you manage your kingdom.
GINGER FOR BONE HEALTH
Have you recently suffered a fall from a large tower, leaving you hobbled in both legs and with a third eye? Try a few drops of ginger, basil, oregano, or turmeric for bone health. If it would make a good strong beef broth, you’re going to want it on hand for those early-season accidents. In fact, my grandfather/father/husband often mixed all four essential oils together and called it bone soup, because, as he often reminded us, “There’s more than one type of bone health.”
LAVENDER FOR HAIR GROWTH
Perhaps the most overlooked health concern in the realm is hair growth, whether you’ve recently been sheared and atoned, were thrown into a fire as a child, or just need to grow a beard to prove you’re not the same little Stark bastard from Winterfell anymore—you’re a Targaryen now. If this sounds like you, try rubbing a few drops of lavender oil directly into the scalp. Leave in for five minutes and then shampoo as you normally would, once every six to eight months.
GERANIUM FOR FERTILITY
I get it. It’s a lot of pressure trying to unite the known world and take back your rightful place as ruler of the seven kingdoms. There are chains to break, dragons to mother, and great grass seas to khaleesi. And when a witch prophesizes that you won’t bear a living child until the sun rises in the west and sets in the east, it can be easy to let the stress overwhelm you. But have you tried simply relaxing? Just stop thinking about your preordained infertility and you’re bound to have a little bundle of joy sooner than you can say “nephew.” If you need help relaxing, give geranium a shot. It’s also got the added benefit of regulating hormones for womb quickening, and—though it hasn’t yet been proven—some believe geranium can also make the seas go dry and the mountains blow in the wind like leaves! Wow!
YLANG YLANG FOR HAPPINESS
You can’t control the actions of other people. What you can control is your reaction to other people plunging a knife into your heart, thereby forcing you to become the merciless leader of the army of the dead. It’s entirely up to you if you’ll channel this power for the total annihilation of life as we know it, or for good. And ylang ylang is here to help. This essential oil does wonders for taking the edge off generations of pent up anger—it can even help lower your blood pressure. (That is, if you have blood pressure. Do you even have blood? Seriously…do you? Because we’re trying to make contingency plans in case these oils don’t work out.) When all else fails, just remember: there’s nothing like ylang ylang to combat the humdrums of the ylong ylong night.
PEPPERMINT & BLACK PEPPER FOR THE SALVATION OF MANKIND
You southerners think you’re so clever. The Song of Ice and Fire, you say, a knowing glint in your eye. Stark and Targaryen. “Winter is coming” and “Fire and blood.” But I have news for you: saving the realm can be a lot simpler than that. Just mix equal parts peppermint oil (for ice) and black pepper oil (for fire)…up to six drops total. Place the diffuser in a small room with the doors and windows closed. Then sit back and watch all those loose ends tie neatly together: The Night King stopped. Cersei killed by a little brother. Cleganebowl. You want it? Peppermint and black pepper are here to give it to you.
When you sign up for my essential oil delivery service, all these scientifically-backed and health-conscious solutions can be yours for as little as eight Copper Pennies a month. Or, sign up for annual enrollment to save twenty percent. Send a raven to Craster’s Keep, North of the Wall, Westeros to enroll.
Please allow two to three years for your first shipment to arrive.