Now that your divorce from that scumbag Mark has finally gone through, you can throw that big “I Got Divorced!” party you’ve been dying to have! Nothing big, just a small and intimate gathering of you and your 5 closest friends, or in your case the only friends that you got to keep in the soul-crushing divorce!
1. Karen
Karen is your oldest friend! She’s told you time and time again since college “I always knew Mark wasn’t the guy for you!”, and boy was she right! In fact, she was so right that she won’t ever let you forget it. Every time you see Karen she reminds you of your life-changing mistake, even at the most inappropriate times like during your Aunt Patty’s funeral or when they arrested your son for that hit and run. Sure those two weirdly happened on the same day, but it still counts as two different and totally unrelated events!
2. Greg
Greg was always closer with Mark, but for some reason chose you when the divorce was finalized. It might be because he knew Mark treated you badly or it’s probably because he always had a crush on your sister and is just waiting around for you to set him up with her. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell him that Denise has been married for 15 years, Greg will always ask if she’s really serious about “that Jeff guy” every time he sees you or their 3 children.
3. Stephanie
Stephanie is a huge bitch and that’s why you love her! She always tells it like it is, especially when she’s drunk! You both love going out for Thursday night cocktails, bitching about work, and then finding out about all the crazy shit she does on the weekends. Mark never really liked her, but that made being her friend seem forbidden and dangerous, especially when she punched that bartender in the face for looking in her direction. Sure, she needs you to be a character witness in court next week and her favorite piece of jewelry is her ankle monitor, but she’s so fun and real!
4. Jason
To be honest, you’ve never really been crazy about Jason. You’ve known each other since high school and he’s always just sort of been around. You don’t hate him, but you don’t love him either, you know? He comes to all the parties and big events, but you never have anything to talk about. It’s always just been small talk for the past 20 years which is kind of weird since you have known each other for 20 years. How does he never have anything to talk about besides the weather and the rising price of grapes? And to be honest you’re still kind of mad about the salt and pepper shakers he gave you as a wedding gift. They were weirdly both for salt and he never even noticed!
5. Rachel
You didn’t necessarily want to keep Rachel (she is Mark’s sister after all), but they’ve always had a very strained relationship. Mark was always Rachel’s biggest bully and when you entered the picture she started confiding in you more and more. As someone that used to be bullied growing up, you couldn’t even begin to imagine how much it must’ve hurt for her bully to be her big brother. Rachel helped you realize that Mark truly was a huge asshole and not just to the both of you, but to pretty much everyone that knows him. Rachel is currently trying to get you two more friends in Mark’s parents, but they’re on the fence because they truly love their son but even they admit they raised a big douche.
So pop open a bottle of champagne, make a “Love is Dead” playlist, and have the time of your life at your big divorce party! You deserve it! But make sure not to invite your sister, because Greg will be there making eyes at her like he always does and she’s ready to let Jeff kick his ass.