A lot of people think that Elton John would never come to their open-casket funeral. Not with his schedule. Even now, you may be thinking, “Sure, I’d love to have Sir Elton’s sullen gaze wash over my corpse in its final hours before the crematorium, but who wouldn’t?” He’s a busy man. He can only crash so many funerals, right?
Well, you may be in luck! Elton John recently announced a farewell tour, and you know what that means—once he’s done with the tour, he’ll have way more time to visit funerals! And with the following list, you can assure that the next funeral he attends will be your own:
1. Write A Best-Selling Book Detailing How You Would’ve Saved Princess Diana
It’s no secret that virtually every book about Princess Diana released in the last 20 years was written in an attempt to impress Sir Elton. And with his final tour coming up, you know he’s gonna be inundated with authors sending him books about how great the Princess of Wales was.
This is where you need to separate yourself from the pack. Your book needs to focus on how you would’ve prevented her death in the first place. The first chapter? Banning paparazzi. Easy, right? Elton’s gonna love that. But keep going; really make sure you cover your bases. Your next chapter should focus on how you would have banned tunnels. Then explain that, if you were in charge, princesses would only be allowed to ride on horseback, and under a certain speed, and never into any tunnels. Elton’s gonna love that.
2. Preemptively Ban Billy Joel From Your Funeral
Anyone who’s attended Elton John and Billy Joel’s “Dueling Pianos” tour knows that the name is more than just a gimmick. These two maestros fuckin’ hate each other. I once witnessed Billy Joel cut off Elton and start into his own rendition of “Your Song,” which he referred to as “My Song.” Since he sang it before Elton got the chance to, it’s now legally Billy’s song, and if there’s one thing Elton hates, it’s losing royalties.
If you want to make sure you have an Elton-positive environment at your open-casket funeral, don’t “start the fire” of your cremation before you expressly forbid Billy Joel from attending.
3. Wait For Elton John Outside The Middlesex, England Golden Corral
Every “Rocket Man” starts to crave Earth food after a while, so the best place to run into the man himself and invite him to your open-casket funeral would be the local Golden Corral in his home of Middlesex. Just bring a portable phone charger, join the crowd of anxious Elton-heads outside the restaurant, and hunker down until he arrives.
If a line has formed to catch a glimpse of Mr. John, see if you can buy a spot from one of the fans up front. Your best bet to get a hold of him may be when he walks into the restaurant, as he does not like to be disturbed while eating (just ask Keith Richards how that ends up).
At the very least, if you bring the requisite materials with you, he might stop for a moment to give you your last rites, which is a start.
4. Have Your Funeral On Elton John’s Property
If you’re planning on having your special day before he finishes his farewell tour, make sure you check the touring schedule! You don’t want to bring all your loved ones to Sir Elton’s estate, only to find that he’s off playing the hits in Orlando, Florida.
In doing research on funerals held on his property, I cannot find one instance of Elton no-showing. A consummate professional, he always walks out on his lawn, dressed to the nines, to see who has congregated and for what reason. You will want to make sure to get there early in the day before a wedding or graduation ceremony calls dibs on John’s lawn, but if you stake it out the night before, you’re in good shape.
This tip, I admit, could be hit or miss, depending on your specific funereal goals. While it all but guarantees an appearance by Elton, you must be especially careful not to upset him. I came across an article in which Elton wreaked havoc on a funeral procession, tipping the casket over and punching a pallbearer. An investigation would later reveal that “Tiny Dancer” was playing from a stereo and, Sir Elton, as do all of us, hates the sound of his own voice. As long as you do your due diligence and prevent him from hearing any vocal simulacra, you can expect him to come outside and pay his respects.
5. Go To Space, Take Your Helmet Off, And Record Yourself Saying “Elton John Made Me Do This”
This last tip might be exclusive to the higher-class Elton fans out there, but it’s something to strive for, in any case. We know that Elton John cares a lot about his reputation, and though we all love the depth of his catalogue, he knows “Rocket Man” is where his bread is buttered. “Rocket Man” is a hit for a reason. It’s an incredible track, and, by comparison, his other songs are like Saturday night as it relates to fighting: alright.
So if word gets out that he allegedly commanded you to go to space and remove your helmet, it would destroy that song’s cultural cache. That is, unless he goes to your funeral and apologizes to your corpse. The image of Elton squashing the beef and shaking your corpse’s hand would make front page news.
So if you have the means, head on out into low-earth orbit. Please, please remember to press record on your camera before going any further! Make sure to clearly state that Elton John made you do this, and then remove your space helmet. If you really want to make him seem culpable, write “Elton” on your left hand and “John” on your right hand, zoom in, and make it look like Elton John himself is removing your space helmet. There’s no way he won’t show up to your funeral if everyone thinks he took your space helmet off.
These tips will hopefully help you to stand out from the crowd of funereal dreamers, and I wish you nothing but success going forward. I can see it now: as your family and friends slowly empty from the room, and it’s finally just your corpse and Elton, as you’ve always dreamed, he will lean down and whisper, as if to reassure your remains, “‘I’m Still Standing' vigil, over your open casket.”