Let’s face it, 2019 is shaping up to be the summer for nuclear war. And a president with a celebrity reputation to uphold shouldn’t be caught dead with the same old boring Halliburton briefcase, housing the console that could be responsible for launching the hottest Hollywood apocalypse of all time. Here are six, six, six trendy bags to carry the nuclear football around without worrying about a fashion fumble.
The Jansport “Bento Box” Caboodle
The ’90s are still cool among the millennial crowd, and Jansports aren’t just for high schoolers anymore. This Japanese Bento-box inspired messenger will show that you’re still young and hip, even if you are the oldest President ever elected into office. The external print features your typical Bento-box compartments, but the real treat is the customized organizational compartments on the inside. Instead of separating your sushi, gyoza, tempura, rice, and ketchup, you can separate the Black Book containing the retaliatory options, the Trapper Keeper listing classified silo locations, the procedures for the Emergency Alert System, and your three-by-five-inch authentication code cards! It also has a fun handle clip for your Tamagotchi, perfect to replace your current pet when 99.5% of biological life on the planet expires!
The New American Waistland Fanny
For successful Dads who love America, spend a lot of time in Florida, but don’t have an ironic bone in their body. This rhinestone bejazzled fanny-pack is studded with more stars than were present at your inauguration party, and more stripes than you’ll be wearing in jail if you’re impeached before you leave us all as silhouettes with very powerful nuclear.
But the best thing about this bag, besides that it’s patriotic and fun, is that no one will expect it to be holding a 45-pound package that is capable of wiping out almost all life on Earth with one whimsical command. Your secret is safe with us!
The PBS Tote
If you are an iconoclast and prefer a bag you don’t carry on the shoulder, you might consider the classic PBS tote. In light of the proposal calling for the total elimination of the budget for National Public Broadcasting, carrying the mobile launch system in this handy bag will tell the entire nation “I’m a renegade. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t think or know many things. There are no more facts… and I’ve got the bag to prove it!” If you prefer using big words like “we need to turn the keys simultaneously,” then this is probably the option for you.
The Ivanka Trump Rose Satchel
Do you believe in putting family before country and fashion before conformity? Well, who says a man can’t carry a WMD in a women’s bag without a WTF reaction? Not you… and the President makes the rules!
This faux-pleather bag from Ivanka’s collection will serve the dual purpose of displaying your softer, more feminine side, all while it drives up your approval numbers from the pussy-hat wearing carpet-muncher demographic. And the guarantee of Mutually Assured Destruction you carry inside of it will say “I’m still a thin-skinned alpha male who will set the world on fire if you hurt my ego.” Yas kween!
A Bag Made From Human Skin
Does it feel like your fashion choices have lacked an edge lately? Maybe you want to embrace your role as the usher of the apocalypse, who will leave humanity reeling in a Mad Max-style hellscape of barely-scraping-by-survival? In either case, this leather number says, “I am the king of the bunker in this new nightmare world I created, but I also understand we can waste nothing now.” You’ll score big approval points with those “sustainability types” with this bag made from uneaten scraps of human skin sewn together with sinew. And in a world filled with ash, it’s easy to clean: just use soap and water!
A Kangaroo Pouch
Let’s face it: hauling around a transmitter capable of firing off a stockpile of over 2,300 megatons of stylish and sleek missiles that can hit anywhere on the globe in minutes is pretty scary. And carrying it in a tiny bag is almost cartoonish, so don’t try to fight your image. Rather, accentuate your strength by stuffing the nuclear football in this cute kangaroo’s pouch. Fur may be murder, but this marsupial is alive and well and the perfect atomic accessory. Cosplaying war games as the Prez with a kangaroo aide-de-camp filled to the brim with machinery that can end this game of brinksmanship at any moment is probably the most fun way you can spend your last summer! All the other world leaders will be jelly, and they’ll never forget that joey.
Just remember, no matter which trendy bag you choose for the nuclear football this season, carry it with confidence and you’ll be sure to rush into the end zone on fourth down.
Don’t forget to check our After-The-Fall Style Guide in a few months!