Many of us go on bad first dates and think, “Wow, I wasted a whole evening, how can I salvage this experience?” The answer: monetize your night by charging the guys you went out with. Time is money, and if it’s wasted on a bad date, that guy owes you.
Below I’ve outlined some example boiler-plate Venmo requests you can send a bad date.
Amount: $20
Message: “I didn’t actually want to split drinks.”
Rationale: It’s never too soon to start being honest in a new relationship, and if you didn’t actually want to split the bill, you should let him know right away.
Don’t Do This If: You want to see him again.
Amount: $40
Message: “Marketing fees associated with me blogging about this date.”
Rationale: He’s a weirdo, and weirdos need to be blogged about. Dating blogs need to be read, and so they need to be advertised on Facebook and Google. He knew he was being blog-worthy on the date, so he owes you money for advertising.
Don’t Do This If: You don’t know how to read, and you told him this.
Amount: $50
Message: “New Victoria’s Secret bra because you cut mine open with a Swiss Army Knife”
Rationale: If the date ends with a guy cutting your bra off with a Swiss Army Knife, he should reimburse you for it.
Don’t Do This If: Your date didn’t cut your bra open with a Swiss Army Knife.
Amount: $200
Message: “Uber ride because you didn’t invite me over. Then the Uber hit a squirrel, and now I need 4 hours of massage therapy to get over it.”
Rationale: It’s his fault if his didn’t invite you to his apartment, and it’s objectively unacceptable. And then you saw a dead squirrel, which would stress anyone out. He should pay.
Don’t Do This If: There’s really no downside to this one — how would he know what your Uber hit?
Amount: $1300
Message: “Security deposit for my apartment because you drilled a hole in the wall.”
Rationale: He drilled a hole in the wall of your apartment, and everyone knows you’re not getting that security deposit back. He needs to shell out some cash.
Don’t Do This If: He didn’t drill a hole in the wall, or the hole he drilled was small enough to be filled with some putty.
Amount: -$200
Message: “I’m sorry”
Rationale: You probably did something strange on the date, and you should probably pay him.
Don’t Do This If: He’s already blocked you on Venmo.