I’m not really a sports person, but there’s no denying the World Series is exciting to watch. Some might say titillating, even! In the spirit of learning new things and supporting my hometown LA Dodgers, I decided to research the game a bit by watching classic baseball movies.
At first I didn’t know where to start, but luckily there’s a niche video store right down the street with a very interesting selection of movies in the back. I’m now well-versed in pitching, catching, shagging, and home runs, and I'm eager to share my newfound love of the sport with the world.
Here are seven sexy baseball movies that will teach you everything you ever wanted to know about America’s favorite pastime.
1. Field of Creams
Famed for its tagline “If you build it, they will come,” this family-friendly movie takes a dark turn when farmer Ray’s pet project—a ghostly game of baseball played in his cornfield—is interrupted by throngs of unwelcome visitors intent on ejaculating all over the baseball diamond.
Can Ray and a rag-tag band of spectral athletes fight off the pleasure-crazed masses? Or will the other team score again and again and again?
2. Angels in the Outfield, Devils in the Infield
An angel in cleats, a demon in the sheets.
Foster kid Roger wants nothing more than for his family to be reunited, but his father refuses unless the California Angels make the World Series. When Roger asks God for help, divine intervention comes in the form of Al, an angel determined to both pitch and catch. What starts as a game soon turns serious as Al and team manager George succumb to their base desires and begin a torrid love affair.
Will the Angels win it all so Roger can get the family of his dreams? A sweaty, writhing orgy at the top of the 9th may not be what Roger intended, but sometimes the divine works in mysterious ways.
3. The Natural: Bases Loaded
After pitcher Roy Hobbs is shot by a rival, it takes sixteen years to get back in the game. To everyone’s astonishment, the chisel-jawed rookie becomes a pinch hitting sensation. No one is more amazed than seedy sportswriter Max Mercy, who soon has the middle-aged phenomenon hitting—and pinching—in the bedroom. It’s a torrid affair best kept secret from Roy’s childhood sweetheart Iris—or so the two men think, until a post-game celebration turns into a metaphorical home run with Max and Iris on base and Roy at bat.
Roy’s bat Wonderboy may not save the day, but Roy’s packing a Savoy Special in his pants, too, and this slugger is always ready to knock one out of the park.
4. A League of Their Moan
That was the day “All the Way Mae” hit her first home run.
What happens to baseball when the men go away to war?
This bittersweet comedy set during WWII follows the founding members of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League as they play ball, fight sexism, and deal with vicious rivalries, all while wearing tiny skirts. Team camaraderie turns into something more intense in the locker room one night when “All the Way Mae” discovers that a baseball bat is better than a man when it comes to rocking her Rockford Peach.
“There’s no crying in baseball,” coach Jimmy Dugan says, “but there sure is coming!”
5. Rookie of the Year, Fuck of the Century
When 12 year-old Henry breaks his arm, it should have destroyed his baseball dreams. Instead, his tendons heal too tightly, enabling him to pitch with the accuracy and speed of a Major Leaguer. He’s recruited by the Chicago Cubs, where aging pitcher Chet “Rocket” Steadman takes him under his wing. Henry’s mother, Mary, tries to help her son cope with fame, but it’s hard when she’s distracted by Chet’s other rocket.
When Mary finally gives in to temptation, Chet throws her a curveball… and a split-finger fastball… and a knuckleball… and a forkball… and a screwball. It’s the best pitching lesson of her life, and with the World Series approaching, Mary has to figure out how to balance her family obligations with her newfound appreciation of one pitcher’s magic fingers.
6. Moneyballs
OBP = (H+BB+HBP)/(AB+BB+HBP+SF)+(U+ME <3)
Billy Beane, manager of the Oakland Athletics, teams up with Yale economics graduate Peter Brand to draft a perfect team using statistics to rank players. The math-heavy approach is off-putting to many, but it yields a formidable team—and forces Billy to calculate how else statistics might help him achieve his desires. The attractive manager starts calculating his odds of seducing his favorite math nerd, and soon Peter finds himself unable to resist Billy’s sabermetrics—or his saber.
As the A’s march towards the postseason, Billy and Peter increase their own On Base Percentage, culminating in a thrilling fight for victory, statistics, and mutual orgasm.
7. Bull Durham
Feisty baseball superfan Annie believes in a hands-on approach to coaching players. Every season she takes one of the minor league Durham Bulls to bed, using her body and wiles to improve their performance on and off the field. While her initial sploosh is for pitcher “Nuke” LaLoosh, her attraction to catcher “Crash” Davis is undeniable, and the catcher and the groupie start edging closer to a steamy relationship.
Will Nuke make the major leagues? Will Annie finally “Crash” into her sexy older man?
Find out in this hot and heavy ode to sex and baseball.
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Now that I’ve watched these classic movies, I finally understand what all the fuss is about! I’ll be glued to the TV for every last second of the World Series from now on, and the next time a shortstop drops to his knees in front of the second baseman, I’ll confidently shout “INFIELD FLY RULE” with the rest of America. I can’t wait to see what happens during the Seventh Inning Stretch!