Salutations, creature of Earth—or as my peoples call it, Bad Planet.
My race, which you can call The Enlightened Ones, has a tradition we call [indecipherable screeching]. It roughly translates in your language to “Let’s Chat About the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.” Cool?
No, those aren’t my eyes. Look at the tentacle part over here. Yes, I know they look like eyeballs. They are not. Anyway, let’s do it!
Okay, first of all: do you know Lisa Rinna? And is she nearby? Ideally I’d be talking to her. We Enlightened Ones worship her as a god.
On our planet, Psyla-6, it’s hard to juggle it all: communing with nature, hyper light-speed travel, a sort of interstellar pickleball that we play on the weekends. So how does Erika Jayne look so gorgeous, given all the stress she’s been under?
Who’s your favorite former housewife? Mine’s Carlton. She was crazy.
In the early days of our civilization, the Enlightened Ones fell victim to discord and violence. It would benefit our historians greatly to learn…
[Thoughtful clacking of mandibles]
What did Brandi say about Adrienne that made her totally flip out? If you could spill the Khrilljuice, my cohorts would be pleased.
So do you think I’m more of a Kyle Richards or a Lisa Vanderpump? I understand that we don’t know each other that well. You must answer.
Which husband is best and why is it Mauricio? God, Mauricio makes me just [excited chittering from deep within]. Anyways, how much money do you think Andy is making these days?
What does it mean to “move forward” and why is it so important to all these ladies?
Do you think there’s anything at Sutton’s store that would look good on me? Remember, I have many legs that are not visible to the human eye.
Since we’ve been on Earth, it’s been a bit of a culture shock. As in, your culture has been shocked to see us. I really didn’t mean to destroy so much of Beverly Hills, we were just trying to find Kim Richards. What’s her whole deal, by the way?
Tell me what you think of my tagline: “I’m not a clutch of Sklint waste, I’m the whole gelatinous brood.”
I guess it could use a little work.
OK but can I get real with you for a second? To be honest, this show means a lot more to me than your average denizen of Psyla-6. You see, it’s gotten me through some hard times. Three hundred and sixteen of my children were slaughtered by the warlord K-Swiz. And seeing how Garcelle handled herself as a new cast member in season 10, well, that really put things in perspective for me. In season 5, when Lisa Vanderpump ate a hash brownie during the girls’ trip to Amsterdam… that inspired me to finally give Ulscap Larva a try. And you know what? Now I can’t visit the mines of Jomcruz without having a scoop. And seeing what Yolanda went through with her Lyme disease, it really made all of us on Psyla-6 regret sending ticks to earth forty thousand years ago as a little prank…
Also we’re destroying way fewer planets these days.
Anywho don’t you think I’d be a good guest bartender on Watch What Happens Live? Meeting Jerry O’Connell would be icing on the cake.
On our planet, we tried to do our own version of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It was called Real Housewives of Psyla-6, even though we don’t have houses, or wives. Also our understanding of reality would crack open your mind like a Darkbeast egg from one of our three blistering moons. Oh well, it didn’t really work. All the Real Housewives of Psyla-6 were totally toxic. Like literally, we spit toxic slime at each other to settle disputes.
This concludes the ritual of [deafening gibber]. I must be on my way: before making my return journey I must collect an escaped fugitive from my homeworld known as Teresa Giudice. She will pay for her crimes.