Dear Timmy's parents,
We thought we'd drop you a note to remind you that we still have your son held for ransom. It's been two days since we sent you a picture of Timmy with the day's newspaper, and we still haven't heard from you.
We would appreciate it if you could acknowledge the message with a response, whether through email, mail, or the burner phone we provided.
Kind regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
Timmy's parents,
Perhaps we weren't clear in our initial ransom note, which we made out of a few magazines and a dollar-store glue stick.
We get it. It wasn't professional. Let us introduce ourselves properly with the 7-slide PowerPoint we've printed and included in this envelope. As you can see, slides one through three detail the value we're demanding and prospective locations to complete the transactions. All basic stuff.
Slides four through seven, however, show what really separates us from the competition. We're extremely proud of hitting our 24-hour child-release target 100% of the time. And the positive reviews we've peppered throughout the slideshow shows we're truly “unbelievable.”
But, you're only as good as your last job, and it's been four days since we sent you our first note. Let us know what we can do to make this a successful return for you.
Kind regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
P.S. We will send a charger for the burner phone.
Timmy's parents,
We appreciate you're probably busy. And trust us, we're normally never this needy in ransoms.
But, we wanted to send a token of appreciation for allowing us the opportunity to demand money for Timmy's release. As a thank you, we've attached a 10% off coupon for this ransom. That's right: 10% OFF! Just make sure to reference promo code: WEGOTTIMMY.
Make sure to act quickly as the coupon expires in the next 24 hours.
Speak soon.
Kind regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
Timmy's parents,
While you're still digesting our last few messages, we just wanted to check something with you: is Timmy allergic to peanuts?
We only ask because, you see, unlike other kidnappers: we care. We take a lot of pride in the lunches we provide our captives. They're not only filling, but they're also healthy and organic, too!
You may find our ransom note a bit pricey compared to other kidnappers, but we are all about quality. And that comes at a cost.
Speaking of which, we'll be forced to start charging you interest if you don't respond to us. We don't like to make threats, but, in a way, we wouldn't be doing our job if we didn't.
Kind regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
Timmy's parents,
Oh, no!!!!! We lost your son!!!!
That's what our competitors would be saying right now. Not us.
Rest assured, Timmy is still very much kidnapped. And we take pride in that.
Let's pencil something in the calendar and get this whole thing moving. How does tomorrow at 1 PM sound?
Let us know. Our calendars are free practically all day tomorrow, and for the next six months. Speak soon!
Kind regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
Timmy's parents,
Timmy wanted to write to you and tell you about the wonderful service he's been receiving with us as a true statement of our service.
We would like to stress that we did not, in any way, influence Timmy while he wrote this strapped to his chair.
Mom and Dad,
I am well. These guys really know what they're doing and they're totally worth every penny they're asking for. I'm really grateful to have them as my very first kidnappers.
Oh, by the way, could you please respond? The guys would really appreciate it. Plus they deserve some type of
acknowledgment —and a generous bonus!
Love,
Timmy
Who could argue with that type of feedback? Anyway, hope to hear from you soon.
Kind regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
Timmy's parents,
We appreciate you're really busy. So after two months, you've left us no choice but to return your son. We're sorry we couldn't make this transaction work. In return for his release, Timmy gave us the names and addresses of his rich friends, which was really kind of him.
We hope to work with you again very soon.
Regards
Account Executive for Your Local Kidnappers
P.S. We'd like our burner phone back.