My friend Dave didn’t have a girlfriend for a long time, and he was pretty blue about it. He kept meeting girls, but none of them were interested in dating him. I should mention here that Dave is a good-looking, successful lawyer. He’s the kind of guy the girls should be drooling over–at least, that’s what Dave says.
So, when he hit that dry spell, he couldn’t figure out what the problem was.
When he told me what was going on, I recognized the problem immediately: of course girls wouldn’t go out with him, he didn’t have any references!
I immediately wrote him a letter of recommendation and told him to use it the next time he met a gal. I’m pleased to report that Dave met a girl, used my letter and went out on a hot, sexy date with her.
I decided that if my letter could help Dave, it could probably help other people too, so I’m going to go ahead and give everyone permission to use it. I’ve removed Dave’s name, so all you have to do is put your name in the blanks and get ready for some lovin’.
Love always,
Your new friend, Greg
P.S. I almost forgot to tell you: this letter makes a lot more sense if you are a lawyer and have experience in puppetry. If you're already a lawyer/puppeteer, that’s great. If not, be sure to lie to your prospective date and tell her that you’re a lawyer/puppeteer BEFORE presenting her with this letter. If you don’t, she’ll think you’re an idiot.
To Whom It May Concern:
It is a pleasure to recommend _________________ for the position of boyfriend/lover. I have known ________ for many years, and have had a chance to interact with him on both a personal and professional level. ________ is a dazzling puppeteer, a wizard with the law, and an all-around OK guy. He looks great in an Indiana Jones hat, and he knows practically all there is to know about Pokemon. Clearly, _______ is the type of fella that every girl dreams about.
I first met ________ in the summer of 20___, when a series of fortunate events brought us together to live as college roommates. In the time that we shared our apartment townhouse, _______ proved himself to be a top-notch roommate in every sense of the word. Together we microwaved CD’s to see what would happen, and spent hours tossing items (e.g. cereal boxes, action figures, The Book of Mormon that some missionaries dropped off, etc.) up onto a high window ledge above our stairs, trying to get them stuck up there for decorative purposes. We also smashed an old TV with hammers, and left the shattered remains outside on our patio until the apartment manager told us we had to clean it up.
Obviously, _______ is everything anyone could ever want in a roommate, and I know that he would be more than willing to do the same types of things at your apartment, should you decide to fall in love with him and let him move into your place.
If a talented boyfriend is what you seek, look no further than _______; he is talented beyond words. He is unparalleled as a puppeteer, and his work is highly respected in what he refers to as “the industry” (a.k.a. nursing homes). A master craftsman, _______ has spent literally thousands and thousands of hours fashioning his own puppets out of socks, and creating unique personalities for each of them. From the foul-mouthed “Rangy Sue” to the lovable “Eek! The Silly Scared-y Cat,” each puppet is made with love and painstaking attention to detail.
_______’s enthusiasm for puppeteering is contagious, and once you move in with him you will find yourself regarding his creations less as puppets and more as people. When _______ is gone, out puppeteering or lawyering or on a drinking binge, don’t be surprised if you find yourself carrying on conversations with them–they are that lifelike! You will find that you need to get out and interact with humans less and less, which is a blessing, as ________ discourages his girlfriends from interacting with non-puppets. It may sound like a lonely way to live, but because of _______’s exceptional puppets, you will truly never be lonely again!
As my lawyer, _______ has gone above and beyond his duties, leading me to victory in civil cases and keeping me out of prison in criminal ones. When I decided to sue my neighbor’s cat, _______ took on my seemingly unwinnable case and won! When I decided to sue the old lady who cut in front of me in line at a theme park, _______ took on my case and won again!
As _______’s girlfriend, you will see the genius of _______’s law knowledge first hand. After you sign (what turns out to be) a binding legal agreement, half of your possessions will belong to _______. You won’t be married–_______ likes to take relationships slow–but you will find that leaving is now impractical. _______’s knowledge of the law has made him exceptionally wealthy, and while none of his money will ever, ever be yours, you will at least get to experience the high life via _______.
I cannot overstate how strongly I urge you to consider _______ for the position of boyfriend/lover. If there is anything else you would like to know about _______, feel free to send me a postcard listing any questions, comments or concerns. I will respond to all postcards within 3-6 business weeks.
Thank you for your obedience.
Sincerely,
Greg Brown