Dear anti-vaxxers in 2020,
You were right all along! Not about vaccinations causing autism, but about how vaccinations are bad for society. In December 2020, a beloved celebrity is going to proclaim their anti-vaxxing stance and the anti-vaxxing philosophy will take off like an unstoppable wave of polio… which will also literally happen as well in 2024. All of your efforts leading up to the shift will not have been in vain and I want to tell you how it’s made life in 2320 totally awesome.
A huge perk here in the year 2320—thanks to your efforts—is scary diseases from your time are just a part of everyday life now: measles, mumps, and plague. We don't fear them any more because they happen all the time. In fact, my sister had plague last week. People at her work were pretty pissed that she still went into the office but she made sure to vomit into her sleeve and seize uncontrollably in the designated seizure room.
And I can officially end the vegan vs. vegetarian vs. omnivore debate… vegan wins here in 2320. After vaccinations were declared illegal, all of the animals got rabies. And I mean all: dogs, cats, cattle, salmon, slugs, peacocks, and on and on. Rabies only affected mammals but a super strain developed and our vegan diet became more of a necessity instead of a choice. It’s hard for me to imagine you guys keeping dogs and cats as pets since they roam around in foamy packs nowadays, but PETA loves that no on eats meat!
Skin cancer is at an all time low too! Not because of anti-vaxxing but because there are certain times where a new super-disease culminates into what we call a “death cloud” and we’re forced to stay indoors for months at a time. It has created a massive boom in the board game industry. Monopoly 24 is super popular. It comes with 24 game boards because they anticipate you and your family breaking most of them in a fit of rage. Some things never change, lol!
We don’t have any annoying technology distractions and robots didn’t take all of our jobs. Quite the opposite! Every single person has a job due to our population levels dropping by 83%. And because demand is so high wages increased dramatically! I sweep the floors at a high school and I take in $34 million a year. It’s all in Monopoly 24 money since our economy crashed but hey, money’s money baby!
And guess what?! Racism doesn’t exist anymore. No one has time for it because our average lifespan is 19 years. Living for only nineteen years might sound daunting but it forces everyone to focus on what’s important: family, friends, and general survival.
It’s so crazy to me that people once thought vaccinations curbed harm to the immune system. It’s quite the opposite. Everyone has some form of extra fun immune system quirk. My sister has this open wound on her forehead that shoots out pus every time she sneezes. It’s a great party trick but it also comes in handy when we can’t find a fly swatter. We call her PuSniper.
Oh my gosh, and get this, dating is so much better now! There used to be so many options – actual people and apps. Nowadays you practically marry the first person you see. Also literally. Everyone is so spread out so when you migrate to a new town—after you run out of food or if a muster of peacocks takes over—it’s a miracle if you run into another human. Outside of my family, I haven’t been lucky enough to meet someone and I’m tired of making love with my sister. Kidding! We only do hand stuff.
Well, I better get back to my family. I’ve spent an hour writing this which is equivalent to around three weeks in your time. Anyway, keep the faith and don’t worry about any snarky comments from the science community. They’re all wiped by 2320 any way.