We very serious and important journalists at the New York Times and Washington Post know how vital our trade is. Everyone depends on us to tell them what is and is not true. Your feeble mind is incapable of distinguishing fact from fiction. But the fact checkers, well, we are the lords of all creation and no truth can pass a mere mortal’s lips without our approval, because we don’t rely on common sense and critical thinking like you. No, we go deeper. Penetrating the psyche of political figures to share the truth as acceptable to our pre-established narrative.
So please read on to see our latest triumph as we fact-check the jokes we found on laffy taffy wrappers discarded from a six-year-old child’s birthday party piñata we found in a dumpster behind a trampoline park in Waukesha.
The Claim: What did the house wear to the party? (Address)
Our Rating: HALF TRUE
A house could never attend a party as it's a full-on building. It is possible to decorate a house for a party or a holiday, like Christmas lights, a house does not wear clothes. A search of Temu finds plenty of house dresses but not dresses for a house. It would be hard to find one that fits around a house. Unless it was in yo' mama’s closet.
The Claim: What did you call a pile of cats? (A Meow-tain)
Our Rating: FALSE
A group of cats is called a Clowder. This audacious claim rushes past misleading straight into mendacious.
The Claim: What do you call a happy cowboy? (A Jolly Rancher)
Our Rating: MOSTLY FALSE.
Generally, a cowboy works on the ranch. The rancher is the head boss who owns the property; the cowboy is hired help. So the terms “cowboy” and “rancher” cannot be used as synonyms rendering this comment untrue.
The Claim: Why does Where’s Waldo wear stripes? (He doesn’t want to be spotted)
Our Rating: HALF TRUE
“Spotted” in this case means either being seen or just that his shirt is white with red stripes, as opposed to spotted. That is correct. However, we don’t technically know why Waldo wears stripes. In fact, wearing the same thing everywhere could make it easier to be seen. For example, you’d be easier to spot if you’re wearing jeans and a shirt on a hot day at the beach. Maybe Waldo wants to be seen.
The Claim: Why do sharks swim in saltwater? (Because pepper makes them sneeze)
Our Rating: MOSTLY TRUE.
Pepper is known to make people sneeze. According to a Chat GPT summary of a Library of Congress entry, pepper contains piperine, an alkaloid that irritates the nerve endings in the nose's mucous membrane, causing sneezing as the body's way of expelling the irritant. This would bother a shark. It should be noted, that bull sharks and about five other types of shark can live in freshwater.
The Claim: What is a magician’s favorite dog? (A Labracadabrador)
Our Rating: MOSTLY FALSE.
Not all magicians even have dogs, some may be allergic or simply not like dogs, nor is there any possible way to survey preferences. Further complicating the issue is that a labracadabrador is not a recognized canine species.
Stay tuned to our clickbait nonsense as we hasten the end of American democracy this November by accepting any bad-faith conservative frame we can muster.