What is an abortion?
Abortion is the sanctioned genocide of innocent babies. But please whisper these questions. I fell into this lion’s den at the zoo and the lions are sleeping. I want to keep it that way.
Wow, that’s pretty intense!
Please, please whisper.
Okay. Who performs abortions?
What?
WHO PERFORMS ABORTIONS?
Shhh! Wicked doctors and pharmaceutical companies that hand out abortion pills like they’re lollipops after a doctor’s exam. Oh God. I think you’ve woken up the big female one.
Where do they perform abortions?
The Devil’s Den, also known as a Planned Parenthood or a “Doctors Office.” Please help me out of here!
Are there any other ways to get an abortion?
The United States Postal Service performs the sinful deed of sending abortion pills through the mail. Throw me that whip would you? I need a weapon.
Can you explain to me how an abortion works?
The devil possesses a doctor who then waves his hands over a pregnant woman’s belly or a woman ingests an ungodly little pill and poof, an abortion is performed. Oh God. The lioness did not like the whip, I repeat, she did not like the whip.
And by “poof,” you mean the fetus disappears or dies?
Yes. Wow that’s a lot of teeth. Big, BIG teeth.
Where does the fetus go?
Baby Heaven unless the baby believes in abortion and then it goes to Baby Hell. No! No! Stay away you big hungry kitty! I am not your dinner!
You keep calling the fetus a “Baby.” Do you mean to say “Fetus?”
No. A baby becomes a baby at the moment one of those squiggly lines infiltrates the egg wall. Please stop asking me questions and help me out of here!
Can anyone get an abortion?
No! Thanks to the Supreme Court, the devil is forbidden from inhabiting doctors in certain states. God bless America! Is there a ball up there? Maybe they want to balance on it. Lions like to do that in the circus, right?
I don’t think that’s what they want to do right now.
Have you ever had an abortion?
No, I am a man and I’m being stalked by three lionesses!
Have you ever paid for an abortion?
I decline to answer!
Are abortions okay in the case of rape or incest?
No. In the cases of rape or incest the body has ways of protecting from pregnancies. For example, when the squiggly line gets to the egg—GET OFF ME—the egg just says “No entry” and that keeps the squiggly line from entering the egg wall. NO! NO! NOT MY SUIT. SHE RIPPED MY SUIT! I THINK SHE MIGHT BE ANGERED BY MY RED TIE! HELP ME!
What happens if I get an abortion?
WHAT?!
WHAT HAPPENS IF I GET AN ABORTION?
OH, SORRY. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A LION ROAR IN YOUR FACE? IT’S DEAFENING!
SO WHAT HAPPENS?
YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND COULD BE SENT TO PRISON OR ISSUED THE DEATH PENALTY AS YOU SHOULD BE! I THOUGHT IF YOU YELLED REALLY LOUD AND WAVED YOUR ARMS FURIOUSLY THEY GET SCARED AND RUN AWAY! WHY AREN’T THEY AFRAID OF ME?!?!
SO IT’S ILLEGAL TO KILL A FETUS BUT IT’S LEGAL FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO KILL A HUMAN?
IT’S GOD’S WILL! OH NO, THEY’RE SURROUNDING ME! THERE’S NOWHERE FOR ME TO RUN!
ARE ABORTIONS OKAY IF THEY SAVE THE LIFE OF THE MOTHER?
NO! ANY MOTHER WHO DIES DURING CHILDBIRTH SHOULD BE HAPPY TO MEET GOD IN THE BLESSED AFTER LIFE! SHE’S TAKEN MY HAND! SHE’S TAKEN MY HAND! MY HAND IS GONE! SHE’S CHEWING ON IT LIKE A PITBULL WITH A PORKCHOP!!
SHOULDN’T YOU BE HAPPY TO MEET GOD RIGHT NOW?
BUT I’M NOT READY TO DIE!
WHAT IF SOMEONE CROSSES STATE LINES TO GET AN ABORTION?
THENTHEYSHALLBEPROSECUTEDTOTHEFULLEXTENTOFTHELORDALMIGHTY’SJUDGEMENT!
WILL ABORTION BE BANNED NATIONALLY?
YES ON JANUARY 20TH, 2025! OH MERCIFUL GOD HELP ME PLEASE!
FOR RIGHT NOW, WHERE CAN I GET AN ABORTION?
LUCIFER’S CALIFORNIA! AH! IT’S ON TOP OF ME! NOT MY FACE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!