Dear Valued Customer:
We hear you! At Amazon we are constantly developing new, cutting-edge technologies to provide you, our valued customers, with as many options as possible.
We are proud to introduce our new Delivery Options based on the number of times you like Jeff Bezos’ cat’s Instagram posts.
At checkout, for your convenience we will automatically log in to your IG account, make the needed calculations, and update your mandatory Delivery Option.
Of course, if you haven’t yet done so, you will need to go to Instagram.com/ThorBezos-Model to follow the account.
And the timing couldn’t be better, as Thor’s GQ spring fashion gallery was uploaded just this week!
We know what you’re thinking. What if I want to send Thor some IG love but don’t want to make a purchase? No problem! Your cumulative likes will be recorded and applied to your next purchase.
Below is a handy guide to the new options. We hope you like them!
Your pals,
The Amazon Team
Over 1,000 likes:
Your package will be delivered by dedicated Boeing C-17 Globemaster III cargo jet and guarded enroute by a contingent of US Navy SEALS under strict orders to willingly sacrifice their lives to protect its contents.
Your package’s arrival will be celebrated with a massive parade and a series of general festivals, culminating in a ritual human sacrifice in your honor on the eve of its opening.
You will also receive a complimentary 50-course meal prepared for you by the executive chefs of the finest restaurants in Europe and a full body massage from the Kardashian sister or NFL star of your choosing.
No signature required.
501-1,000 likes:
Your package will be delivered by dedicated Piper Cub and guarded en route by a contingent of off-duty Allstate Security agents under orders to call actual authorities and flash yellow lights to protect its contents.
Your package’s arrival will be celebrated by an unemployed former Ringling Brothers clown juggling festive balls, culminating in the clown excusing himself to take a number one.
You will also receive a complimentary side dish from Panda Express.
No signature required.
101-500 likes:
Your package will be delivered via UPS 3rd or 4th Day Air and guarded by an inattentive UPS employee preoccupied with checking his online grades at University of Phoenix Online Pharmacy Tech Academy in hopes of getting out of this hellhole of a job and moving to Dayton to live with his sister Susan with the 50-inch TV.
Your package’s arrival will presumably be celebrated by you.
Signature required.
51-100 likes:
Your package will be delivered by a parvo-stricken camel and guarded by flies.
Your package’s arrival will be wildly celebrated by you, because of the standard 12-16-week UPS Land (Camel) delivery time.
Signature required.
0-50 likes:
Your package will be delivered by very slow-moving ISIS commandos who will torture and kill you and your family and sell your internal organs on the Turkish black market. It doesn’t matter who is guarding it, because the ISIS couriers will repeatedly bash it with sledgehammers before setting it on fire and throwing its ashes into the Baltic Sea.
Your package’s non-arrival will presumably be lamented by your survivors and the executor of your estate.
Thank you for being a valued Amazon customer!