Am I speaking to the man who kidnapped my baby boy? You have no idea who you’re dealing with, so let me lay this out for you and your criminal pals:
Buddy? You just messed with the RIGHT guy!
Worried I might embark on a border-spanning bloody warpath? You think I have that many air miles saved up? I wish! My boss limits my travel, on account of how planes give me anxiety. Plus, bathrooms in the clouds? God didn’t want man pooping so close to his kingdom!
That ransom you’re asking for? No chance in heck I’m able to pay it. You might even have to keep him—ignoring the logistical pain of sending him back my way, he can probably learn from you and your buds about financial management. You've got quite the operation!
Any sort of revenge from my end is out of the equation. I don’t have a vengeful bone in my body. My wife—ex-wife, sorry—left me because I'm too passive. She called me a “weak man, with crazy ideas!” All I did was tell her that, minus how hard and uncomfortable urinals get, sitting down to pee is good for the prostate.
Wait, you want me to hack into a database? Oh, boy—no can do, amigo! I mean, I know “CMD + C” is to copy, but after that, I ask my son to help me paste. If there’s one thing him and his 4Chan buds know, it’s computers—oh, and women! They’re like his favorite topic!
Before I keep going, what would you describe your management style when it comes to travel for work? Nevermind. Nevermind! My wife’s new husband just showed up, and I am supposed to keep this on topic otherwise he’ll yell at me. But I would love to hear more about you and your group. When you get a second, I mean.
Just chuckling at the idea of me taking you guys out somehow. I mean, special skills? That part of my resume is sparse! And also, is your organization hiring? I just think, from this conversation, that we get each other.
And hey, maybe we could hire my son as well! He’s got moxie and would do great. I’ve got some advice, though: don’t let him get going about women!
Was that my sweet little guy in the background? Ah, sorry, thought I heard some epithets. Forgive his little urges—he’s only 26!
So, this ransom—you know, before my last company went bankrupt (we sold second-hand mattresses) I cut SO many costs.
“These arrivals don’t need a full clean,” I would say. “Just a quick vacuum.” That impressed my chief. I have quite an eye for opportunities, and I think I could bring that to your organization.
Okay, hang on, my ex-wife’s new husband “Fernando” is yelling at me. Okay, Fernando's asking, “Is he still alive?” Yeah. Yeah, okay–
Hang on—he’s alive, Fernando! Look, I knew you were keeping him alive, but Fernando is a VP and aggressive and… I mean, you know how it is. Blended families.
I think one area I need some work on, if we’re going back to the other part of this conversation, is that I don’t like confrontation. I mean I sign up for free trials sometimes, and when the free trial runs out, I just keep paying! I just don’t want to inconvenience LinkedIn!
Do you have equity incentives as part of employee benefits? Mmhmm. And are the urinals wide?
Hang on, the– Okay, the hostage negotiators are signaling that I should keep this about my son. You know, I had a thought: what if the ransom was paid in a sort of subscription service? You’d get consistent cash flow, and at the end of the day it’s a model that can be replicated. You can really scale it!
Where should I send the first cheque to? Mm.
And that’s the address your group is at right now? That’s the top unit on the northeast corner, right? Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, the red dots on all your chests–
Aw, I’m sorry. Yeah, I got you guys. Yeah, my son’s a little demon, but… hey, I said you had no idea who you’re dealing with!