HÅLLBAR
The fourteenth son of the lord of the Fourteenth house, the house furthest from the throne. His only assets are the family name and his keen wit. But witty doesn’t always equal wise and when he directs a biting bon mot at his eldest brother, the heir to the Fourteenth, Hållbar is tasked with locating the will of the first Lord of First House, lost over a thousand years ago. A will that could prove that their family was always meant to be the First House.
or
A nine-gallon plastic wastebasket, $19.99
SNARJVK
A rubber vegetable-scrubbing glove, $7.99
or
A giant wolf with ivory tusks and purple bioluminescent fur. Though our hero only spots it from a distance in chapter seven, he now understands that he’s left behind his comfortable existence in Fourteenth House with its commonplace magecraft. Now he roams the valleys of wild sorzelries. And though a wolf of that size is a terrifying sight, it is a majestic beast and not at all silly-looking.
IIHADGROF
A set of five white ceramic mugs, $15.99
or
Hållbar believes her to be an innocent farmer’s daughter whom he saved from unsavory mercenaries in chapter nineteen and who out of gratitude offers to travel with him and help him search for the will. The readers learn in chapter twenty-four that she is not who she claims to be. Her true identity will be revealed in chapter forty-three but I haven’t figured out who she is yet. I’ve been stuck on chapter thirty-one for two years.
KALLAX
Everything after chapter thirty-one is just an outline. I think this character mentioned in the summary of chapter fifty-five is a half-angel half-demon hybrid who gives Hållbar shelter after he is betrayed by Iihadgrof who was at that time possessed by the ghost of a dead god. But I’m not sure I’m going to keep that plot thread. I might reuse the name.
or
A shelving unit consisting of four cubes, $49.99
YRG
Actually this might be the half-angel half-demon. So who the hell is Kallax?
or
A print on canvas of an orange house with propellers, $24.99
HUVUDROLL
A demon that was part of Lucifer’s original cohort of fallen angels who—did I ever come up with a reason for there being Judeo-Christian angels and demons in an otherwise Pagan-derived universe? I must have. In fact, I know I did. Here we go, from the outline for chapter eighty-eight “…because they are integral to the plot.”
or
A 35.3 oz bag of frozen meatballs, $14.99
GROTIFF
I could really go for some meatballs right now. Which is beside the point. Grotiff are a race of giant spiders that almost eat our heroes in chapter thirty-two. If I ever get to chapter thirty-two. I know it’s been done before but it’s not like Tolkien holds a copyright on giant spiders. What if they were ice spiders? Or crystal spiders? Giant crystaline spiders with legs that go clink, clink, clink. That’s creepy right?
or
A set of silicon rubber ice trays, $17.99
NÅNÅNÅNÅ
A magnetic egg timer shaped like a fried egg, $5.99
or
I’m not even sure if this is supposed to be a character. The entry for chapter one hundred and twelve just says “nånånånå batman.” What the hell am doing? I started writing this when I was fifteen right after I read the Lord of the Rings for the first time.
What if I never finish it? There’s so much backstory I still need to work in. Not to mention the reveal that the will is from a future point in the timeline! Which only the angels and demons know. If I can only figure out why they care which house is the first house, it’ll be so…Tolkien would hate the angel thing.
SNIGLAR
A beech wood baby’s crib, $119.00
or
It doesn’t matter what Tolkien would think. He’s long dead. Besides, C.S. Lewis would think the angels are rad. I will finish it, If I can just get past chapter thirty-one and get to the good bit with the crystal spiders. It should all fall into place from there. I checked into a hotel last night so I could write without distractions. It worked! I wrote all night and passed out at dawn. I still need to finish chapter thirty-one, but now I have an outline for the sequel. I found this name scrawled on hotel stationary when I woke. I don’t remember what it means but I underlined it three times and wrote “like a Hobbit but jacked.”
I think it’s important.