O’ Little Town of Bethlehem
O’ size nine boots of elven skin, how worn out are thine soles?
Morale is down in Santa’s shop, so kids will all get coal.
Each thump from Santa’s boots, scares his nervous elves,
For they all wonder who’ll be next, it’s each elf for themselves.
Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town
Santa Claus has got a big knife,
Santa Claus has got a big knife,
What’s he gonna do with that knife?
He’s going online, he’s shopping for boots,
He can’t find ones that make him look cute.
The leather then must come from his elves.
Here Comes Santa Claus
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, wearing normal boots,
They don’t come from elfhide leather, that’s good news for you!
I’m just kidding, they’re real scary, the boots are made from skin.
Won’t someone please end this madness, things are looking grim.
Santa must be made to suffer for the wrongs that he’s done,
Wearing boots that look just like the necronomicon.
Let’s agree to defend ourselves and our elvish friends,
And ensure that Santa’s terror mercifully ends.
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Hush! Santa will hear our plotting,
He’s gone mad, brain is rotting.
We should organize a coup,
Before he makes new boots from you.
Santa has gone drunk with power,
Sweet demeanor that’s turned sour.
If we want to stop ol’ Claus,
We’ll need a plan that’s free from flaws.
If we want to stop ol’ Claus,
We’ll need a plan that’s free from flaws.
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Holy shit, I can’t believe we did that,
We just killed Saint Nick.
Oh my God,
I think I’m going to be sick.
Shut up now, please shut the fuck up right now,
I need some time to think.
We must clean
Our prints from off his poisoned drink.
And don’t forget, we’re in too deep to turn back now.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
The Coca-Cola bears have just killed Santa,
At least that’s what they’re saying on the news.
Cops found scarves and cola at the crime scene,
But something don’t add up about them clues.
I’m a gumshoe in the North Pole,
Haunted by a case I couldn’t crack.
But I’ll still try to solve this one,
Even if it won’t bring my wife back.
Jingle Bells
Someday soon, someday soon,
A real rain will come
To wash away all the pain
And the filthy scum.
Crime and sin, crime and sin,
Running rampant here.
Ever since Kringle’s death,
There’s been no Christmas cheer.
There’s one thing, there’s one thing,
That just don’t sit right.
Santa Claus was strong as hell,
He never lost a fight.
There’s no way, there’s no way,
Polar bears killed him,
Could someone have poisoned
Santa’s favorite gin?
Away in a Manger
There can be no loose ends,
You must understand.
This gun that I’m holding
Will end what I’ve planned.
No one knows we’ve killed him,
It’s just you and I.
Though that damn detective
Sure thinks himself sly.
Bang, Bang! So long, old pal,
I’ll see you in Hell.
I won’t go down for this,
Can’t live in no cell.
O Come, All Ye Faithful
O come, and do tell me, just one more thing I must know,
Why was this, why was this bloody rag in your trash?
I know that you’ve killed them, Santa and your elvish friend.
The jig is up, it’s over.
The jig up, it’s over.
The jig is up, it’s over.
Have fun in jail.
Good King Wenceslas
So I solved the morbid case,
Of Santa’s grisly murder.
Now I’ll leave this awful place,
As it descends further.
Didn’t tell the cops about
The boots of elven leather.
Was I right? I had my doubts.
I’ll be unsure forever.
The public mustn’t learn the truth,
Of Santa’s wicked footwear.
And so I destroyed the proof,
For his image to spare.
“Naughty” or “nice” can’t describe,
Every human being.
On this eggnog, I’ll imbibe,
While I question life’s meaning.