Darth Vader is wearing an ill-fitting brown wig and a striped polo shirt over his typical attire. A hole in his shirt reveals his life support apparatus. Dramatic pauses interrupt Darth Vader’s speech where appropriate (not shown).
Bob (Organizer): I know this is hard for you guys but no choking. No choking, folks. That’s aimed at you, Vader. If you choke we are going on to the next person.
Girl 1 enters
Girl 1: Why are you in a black bodysuit again? And that helmet. So…why do you wear a mask, Mr. Mystery?
Darth Vader: My head is scary. I am not Mr. Mystery.
Girl 1: So I’m wondering–what do you look like under that black mask there?
Darth Vader: Well, if you must know I am very hairless. Not even eyebrows. I have deathly pale skin that is wrinkled and distorted, making me look like an awesome evil and anemic Humpty (pause) Dumpty. I have purple eye-circles, scar tissue, wounds–you know, evil guy stuff, but it doesn’t mean I’m not a young, classy and sassy debonair kind of guy.
Girl 1: Take if off. I want to see. It can’t be that bad.
Darth Vader: Okay. (Takes off helmet)
Girl 1: Holy shit! You look like an evil spoiled hard-boiled egg!
Darth Vader: I told you so. However, you should know that I’m Brad Pitt compared to my master. He looks like his head is stored in formaldehyde.
Girl 1: Oh my God. Unimaginable.
Darth Vader: I warned you it was scary. I find your lack of sympathy disturbing. I shall now Force choke you! (Force choke hold)
Girl 1: Argh!
Bob: God dammit, Vader! Next!
Girl 2 enters
Darth Vader: Anyway, new girl, you know what would look great on you? Me. But me with my clothes on. Because I have third degree burns…on my non-mechanical body parts.
Girl 2: I’ll pass.
Darth Vader: No!!! Only I shall make the passes! (Force choke hold)
Girl 2: Argh!
Bob: Next!
Girl 3 enters
Darth Vader: Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Girl 3: It’s probably because you’re in a bodysuit with all those gizmos in the front. Black isn’t the best color for keeping cool, although it is slimming.
Darth Vader: It’s all about the slimming. One moment. (Holds hand up) I sense that you have a male friend you wish you were dating. Your feelings have now betrayed him, too. You were wise to hide him from me. Now your failure is complete.
Girl 3: How do you know about Andy–what the hell?
Darth Vader: You must die! (Force choke hold) And Andy shall be mine! If everyone else will not date me, maybe he will.
Girl 3: Noooo!!!
Darth Vader: (Force choke hold)
Girl 3: Argh!!!
Bob: Vader, you’re choking everybody! Stop it! Next!
Girl 4 enters
Girl 4: Uh…what’s your job?
Darth Vader: I am the Dark Lord of the Sith. I rule the galaxy alongside my evil master.
Girl 4: Oh, sounds interesting! What kind of work is this, Dark Lord of the Sith?
Darth Vader: I intimidate people by my stature, manner, and threats, and if they fail me it means an excruciating death for them.
Girl 4: Does it pay well?
Darth Vader: Hell yes.
Girl 4: Wow, sounds interesting. Like, who do you like to kill?
Darth Vader: Everyone.
Girl 4: Well (flirtatiously), if you had to kill me, would you kill me?
Darth Vader: Yes.
Girl 4: Oh…
Darth Vader: In a heartbeat.
Girl 4: Oh…
Darth Vader: Just ask.
Girl 4: So, you’re into that bondage type of thing…
Darth Vader: No. I just like killing people.
Girl 4: Seriously?
Darth Vader: You don’t believe me? You do not believe in the powers of the Dark Side? (Force choke hold) Well, you shall!
Girl 4: Argh!
Bob: Cool down, Darth. Jesus Christ. Come on. Next!
Girl 5 enters
Girl 5: Well, let’s get to it–any past relationships?
Darth Vader: Well, my late wife died because she lost her will to live after she realized I’d joined the dark side. But still, a lit-tle overdramatic.
Girl 5: Uh, do you have any…exes….that you didn’t kill?
Darth Vader: Nope. (sarcastically) I’m a lonely, lonely man., and I tend to get mad and choke people. Let’s all feel sorry for the guy in the mask. Who would want to date the guy in the mask.
Girl 5: Uh…so, do you have any children? I love children.
Darth Vader: Yes…I have a son, Luke, and a twin daughter, Leia.
Girl 5: Those are pretty names. How old are they?
Darth Vader: You know, I wasn’t around. I was a bit of an absentee father. Obiwan split them up and sent them to live with different families , so I couldn’t find them and kill them. Obi-Wan was wise to hide them from me.
Girl 5: Dude, I was just wondering–
Darth Vader: All I wanted was fucking joint parental custody!
Girl 5: Are you okay? Are you alright?
Darth Vader: Do not feel sorry for me like my deceased wife, and now my kids are old and nothing can fix that now. Your sympathy is not appreciated! (Force choke hold)
Girl 5: Argh!
Bob: Next!
Girl 6 enters
Darth Vader: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Girl 6: (silence)
Darth Vader: Like, do you have a bruise or anything? Were you pushed out a plane or anything?
Girl 6: (silence)
Darth Vader: I’m trying.
Girl 6: (weird look)
Darth Vader: (Force choke hold)
Girl 6: Argh!
Bob: Dammit, Vader! Next!
Girl 7 enters
Darth Vader: Excuse me, but I’m new in town; can I have directions to your place?
Girl 7: (silence)
Darth Vader: My place is gray…and sterile. I sleep on a gray slab.
Girl 7: Dude, you have to work on the pick-up lines. So… what do you least want to tell me?
Darth Vader: Why would I say that?
Girl 7: I appreciate honesty. I want to know you better. You seem interesting. I bet you have an interesting past.
Darth Vader: Ugh, I guess I don’t want people to know that there is a little, tiny bit of good in me that only my son can exploit. It is my greatest embarrassment and shortcoming. You?
Girl 7: I once tongue-kissed a girl when I was, like, totally drunk, and someone filmed it and put it online. What’s the worst thing you’ve done?
Darth Vader: I helped destroy an entire universe, leaving it in disarray and suffering. I’ve destroyed entire star systems only to display my power. Are you into the Dark Side? I’m totally into the Dark Side. You know–evil, aggression, hate, fear, revenge, negativity, premature aging, and stuff?
Girl 7: Uh, do you have a sensitive side?
Darth Vader: (Sarcastically) Yes. I really like yellow tulips. No one ever thinks to bring me flowers, however. It makes me sad.
Girl 7: Really?
Darth Vader: No! You stupid, gullible fool! (Force choke hold)
Girl 7: Argh!
Bob: Next. I have my eye on you, Vader. You’re lucky you haven’t actually accidentally killed someone yet.
Girl 8 enters
Girl 8: Hey, what’s up?
Darth Vader: Hey, you seem friendlier than the other ones. I’ve scared away so many women already on this speed date. I have to confess, I’m lonely. All alone. Girls aren’t allowed where I come from. I’m so lonely. That Baywatch poster can only satisfy me for so long. When I hit on women…they run away. The soft touch of a lady…
Girl 8: You never know. You might meet someone. I like your wig.
Darth Vader: It is not a wig. It is real hair. I grew it myself…from my helmet. Grew from my helmet.
Girl 8: Whatever. So how did you get your name? Or nickname?
Darth Vader: Some guy gave it to me, and it stuck. My real name has since been forgotten, and I feel your fear. You fear you will be alone forever based on the fact that you’re here. Capture this fear and let it flow through you. Come to the Dark Side with me, and we can rule the galaxy as husband and wife!
Girl 8: No?
Darth Vader: Too far?
Girl 8: Yes.
Darth Vader: (Force choke hold)
Girl 8: Argh!
Bob: Next! Last one, Vader!
Girl 9 enters
Girl 9: You know, I find tall dark men really, really sexy, especially when they have a panel of lights on their chests controlling their inner environment. And a cape. Nothing says badass like a cape.
Darth Vader: Well, it’s your lucky day?
Girl 9: Damn straight it’s my lucky day. I love your bug-eyed helmet. Wanna make out?
Darth Vader: With my helmet?
Girl 9: Either way.
Darth Vader: I think you want my helmet.
Girl 9: Sure, I love kissing plastic. So…you want my number?
Darth Vader: Sweet. The Dark Side is strong with me.