Hello friends, my name is Krazzed Dumm’fuk, and I am a proud member of the Galactic Blaster Rifle Association. The GBRA has a long history of fighting for galactic citizens' right to bear arms, a right enshrined in the New Republic Constitution. Despite this sacred constitutional protection, fearmongering big government politicians have continually tried to assail our rights with their overreach.
I strongly support the newly-introduced legislation that will finally lift the ban on private Death Star ownership, and I want to urge all of you to contact your Galactic Senator to demand that they vote for this glorious expansion of liberty.
The ban on Death Star ownership was enacted during a time of hysteria and overreaction. I will admit that, at the time, only two Death Stars had ever been built, and that in both cases they were utilized to murder an unfortunate quantity of sentient lifeforms. But that doesn’t mean that future Death Star users—responsible and licensed gun owners to begin with—would use their Death Stars recklessly.
I respect the fact that all four members of the Alderaan Survivors Association have condemned this Death Star legislation, but to be perfectly frank I think they’re a little biased.
Death Stars have no shortage of legitimate uses:
- How about hunting or target shooting? Time-honored traditions throughout the known galaxy!
- If you need to bullseye some womp rats, a Death Star is the perfect tool.
- How about collecting? Nothing spruces up a skyline like an orbiting Death Star. Very impressive!
- And of course, what about the right to self-defense? Nobody would try to burglarize your home if they knew you had a Death Star at your disposal.
Some people claim it is needlessly dangerous to allow people the right to purchase Death Stars, citing the fear that a mentally unstable individual might acquire one and use it to efficiently destroy a planet or two. The so-called danger of this risk is very minimal, particularly when compared to the very real and greater danger of government gun control legislation. If they come for our Death Stars first, who’s to say they won’t come for our blaster rifles, bowcasters, or lightsabers next?
Many Bothans died to bring the Death Star plans into the free market, and their sacrifice should not be in vain. Every citizen of this Republic has the right to bear arms, and that right must include an ability to purchase your very own Death Star.
Please, call your Galactic Senator today!