Dear Valued Constituent,
Thank you for taking the time to contact my office and share your thoughts on the upcoming election. I appreciate you taking the time to reach out; your opinion matters a lot to me. So much so, that I encourage you to follow me on Twitter and Instagram, and also subscribe to my Substack.
I take your concerns seriously, Constituent. Did you see my tweet from this morning saying I take everyone’s concerns seriously, accompanied by a gif from The Office? Well if you did, I need you to engage with that tweet, preferably a like, retweet, and quote tweet, so that we can spread the message, and my Twitter handle, far and wide.
Speaking of spreading our message (because after all, this really should be a team effort), I need you to go beyond just “seeing” my incredible social media content. I need you to push other citizens to rise up and fight against my low social media following.
13K followers on Twitter? We as a nation are better than that.
Could you imagine if I reached 40K followers on Instagram? Wow. It’d be a dream come true… because, of course, I’d have a larger platform to spread awareness of the matters most important to you. And with a larger following, I’ll gain more credibility with voters, my peers in Washington, and most importantly, my fellow content creators.
Constituent, do you think Emma Chamberlain would ever collaborate with a nano-influencer like me? Sorry, nano-influencer/congressman like me? I swear, everyone is a “multi-hyphenate” these days.
Listen, I don’t like it any more than you do, but the fact of the matter is in this day and age, real policy changes are fought for and written on social media. Speaking of writing, I couldn’t help but notice your email was not on my Substack subscription list. Constituent, real meaningful change will never come to be unless you read my poignant assessment of policy changes in DC and my hilarious article ranking every single Zach Galifianakis movie.
Constituent, I’ll be direct with you: politics is boring. It’s been arduous for me to generate buzz around my social content. I could cross the aisle and do a few collab posts with my fellow legislators, but I’m building a brand voice. I can’t just be tagging the minority leader willy-nilly for cheap likes. Audiences can smell a lack of authenticity, and that’s not fair to them.
I learned a lot about fairness when I watched the movie Do the Right Thing on my phone last week during a congressional hearing. In order to combat the unfair and unjust inequities that continue to run rampant in our country, you must follow me on Letterboxd to read my insightful review of the movie.
Listen, Constituent. I haven’t forgotten why you contacted me. I just have a lot on my plate right now. With the extreme volatility of our government due to the antiquated two-party system, it feels like the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. All my Constituents, like you, are counting on me to keep churning out groundbreaking TikTok compilations of my impressions of the cast of Friends.
The pressure is simply too much sometimes.
Between us, I’m convinced that some of my fellow Congress members are bolstering their social media following with bots. This kind of dirty, foul play taints the democracy you and I cherish so dearly.
That’s why, due to the multiple requests I’m sure you were planning on making, I’m drafting the “Anti-Fake Followers” bill. This landmark legislation will remove any disparities between myself and my so-called “super popular” Congress members on social media (there’s simply no way all of AOC’s followers are organic).
Our Founding Fathers championed the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. My bill would bring forth a level playing field so that Americans could once again pursue happiness by spending their lives, at their own liberty, boosting my engagement rates on Snapchat.
Hope lingers on the horizon, Constituent. America is a nation built on hope. Hope transformed our landscape from a meager, humble land to a powerful, remarkable nation, a nation where I deserve—nay, have the right—to be adored virtually by millions of strangers online. Otherwise, what the fuck was the point of all this?
See you online,
Your Congressman
Follow me on: Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitch, MySpace, Google Drive, FlikTrix, Bleeps, ShartAlart, Plorpo, Tinklez, RazzDazz and LinkedIn.