You Don't Want to Date Me

By contributing writer Dean Flagg

Monogamy sucks. Don't get me wrong, I know there are any number of good things that are involved in a “long-term relationship.” Unlimited sex, no need to constantly be on the lookout for my next one-night-stand, companionship, security, a shoulder to cry on (wow, I sound like a woman), and so forth. The problem is, once you get past the fact that I am lots of fun to hang out with, and the life of the party, not to mention incredibly good looking (did I mention modest?), I'm really not “relationship” material.

Therefore, in the interest of full disclosure, I have decided to create the following list so that any girl interested in pursuing an actual relationship with me will know in advance just what she's getting herself into.

These are…

The Top 10 Reasons You Don't Want to Date Me

10. I am a heavy drinker.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with this. However, there are apparently some who do. I have been informed by my female sources (read: bitches and hoes) that there are those out there for whom social interactions are not conducted through a Jager-bomb induced haze over a rousing game of beer pong or flip cup. Savages.

9. I am a social creature.

How is this a bad thing, you ask? I spend a great deal of time with friends. There are only so many hours in the day. Hence, any time I spend alone with you will be limited to sex, sleeping, sex, and the occasional (read: endangered species) meal.

8. I like fellatio.

A lot. I will demand quite a lot of you in this department. It's not enough for you to be willing to go down on me at a moment’s notice, anywhere, anytime. You need to smoke pole better than half the hookers in L.A. I will expect you to blow me like it is your job, because, let's be honest, it really is.

Seriously. Go make me a sammich. Right now. Turkey, ham, American cheese, mustard, on whole wheat toast. After that you can give me a blowjob. Don't mind the crumbs.

6. I will look at other women.

As attractive as you are, and you must be in order to have caught my eye in the first place, you are not the only pair of fun-bags wrapped in a tube top around. That my eyes will gravitate toward the breasts, abs, and ass of that hot girl walking by is as natural and unchangeable as Newton's Laws of Thermodynamics. If I am checking out the skank at the end of the bar, it does not necessarily mean that I am bored with you.

5. I will flirt with other women.

Shamelessly, in fact. Almost without stopping. Truth be told, if I am talking to someone of the female persuasion, I am flirting with her. Whether or not I find her attractive has, remarkably, very little to do with this fact. This is probably the reason you and I got together in the first place. You just confused standard operating procedure with actual interest in you as a person. My apologies.

4. I will not call you. (Unless I want sex.)

If you want to make plans, talk about your day, or hear me say how sexy you are and how much I care about you, you are going to have to call me. (Let's be honest, that last one probably won't happen anyway.) If I don't feel like talking to you, you can leave a message. Don't expect me to call you back. Until I get a few beers in me and really feel like that sammich and blowjob.

3. I might cheat on you.

Now, I'm not saying that this is going to happen, but it is a distinct possibility. As you might be able to figure out, I'm not the biggest fan of monogamy, and there may just come a night when that big-breasted girl at the Hawaiian theme party responds well to my “What's a guy gotta do to get lei'd around here?” line. Hey, it's been known to happen.

2. I will get bored with you.

As all rivers must eventually run to the sea, as even the mighty mountain will eventually be worn down to no more than a pebble, so too will I eventually grow bored with you. Do not take this personally. As well put together as you are, and as great as those lips of yours look wrapped around my shaft, some things are simply inevitable. And there are always other sammiches in the sea (not to mix metaphors or anything).

1. I have a small penis.

Okay, that one's not really true, at all. But I figured I had to end with a bang. And honestly, if you haven't figured out exactly how false that last one is by now, I really don't know why you're contemplating dating me in the first place.

If all this hasn't deterred you from attempting to pursue a relationship with me, then good for you, you have remarkably little self-respect. Call me sometime, I've always got room for a sammich, if you know what I mean.