CrunchSource is seeking a high-performing professional to work closely with our Founder without directions, objectives, or clear explanations.
The Executive Assistant will perform a variety of business and personal tasks without being told what they are. We’re looking for the right perfectionist empath who never makes mistakes because they know what everyone’s thinking at all times.
Applicants should thrive in a fast-paced environment where no one tells them what’s going on. We’re looking for a problem-solver with a team-centered approach and supernatural powers. Ideal candidates will also be able to predict the future, alter the flow of time, and control things like the departure of airplanes the Founder is at risk of missing.
CrunchSource is on a mission to disrupt media across multiple platforms with integrated tools that empower stakeholders with industry-leading innovation and customer-focused design. You won’t need a mission statement any clearer than that, as you can read our minds for more information.
Knowing what the Founder is thinking will be essential when managing nearly everything in his life without him saying a word to you. The Executive Assistant will not only anticipate the Founder’s needs, accommodate his whims, and decipher his stream-of-consciousness mumbling, you will also discuss his many esoteric topics of interest. Having a psychic ability to access his knowledge cortex is a real advantage when exchanging detailed views on insect physiology.
The Executive Assistant will have a title with the word “Executive” in it, but be paid an entry-level salary without sick days, vacations, health benefits, or stock options. Applicants should have ten years’ experience in successful start-ups, and at least two doctorate or three master’s degrees, but also be willing to perform menial tasks and personal errands that aren’t related to the company. The Founder will tell you what these are, or not tell you, but expect you to do them anyway.
Candidates must be willing to relocate several times a year without warning, and accompany the Founder on sudden extended trips to one of his many homes in remote locations. You must be available to work overtime, weekends, and middle-of-the-nights, as our “Chief Executive Visionary” is an insomniac who does his best thinking at four in the morning.
This high-tech, high-touch position requires a mastery of cloud and enterprise software, data storage engineering, and AI programming, but also finding last-minute cat sitters when Founder is about the board a plane he expected you to be on, even though no one told you about it.
The Founder is an “early adopter” who downloads new apps onto his phone several times a day without learning how to use them. You will be expected to teach him everything about the apps the first time you hear about them. You won’t have time to sit-down with him, so your power to implant thoughts into his head is just as important as sucking thoughts out of it.
Job duties:
- Knowing what Founder wants before he does
- Doing what Founder wants before he asks
- Taking care of “that thing” he mentioned a week ago
- Finding objects when he can’t remember their names
- Sending those papers to that guy
Required skills:
- Excellent communication skills in languages you don’t speak
- Ability to organize and prioritize tasks you haven’t been told about
- Nodding silently while Founder “visionates” his ideas
- Ability to withstand withering criticism
- Data entry
Join us by sending a CV and cover letter to the email address we haven’t provided, or apply directly through our website, you know the one.