1. The Lifer
This person was born in the supply closet at your office. They have been doing the same job for over 30 years and wear their misery like a warm blanket on a blustery winter night.
Despite having more knowledge of the company than anyone else you might encounter, the only thing “The Lifer” is willing to talk about is how much better everything was when they first started. They also despise their coworkers, divulging personal information to you about who has body odor and which ones probably beat their kids. But don’t even think of asking them if they’ve ever looked for other employment.
Their motto is: Why change your life when you’ve perfected the art of complaining about it?
2. The Ghost
Despite only working until 2 p.m. every day because of some vague emergency with their children, “The Ghost” is still somehow staffed as a full-time employee.
They are never at their desk when you need them, but are somehow “so swamped” when you run into them in the hallway on their way to or from one of their many bathroom trips because their bladder is so weak. This will be in addition to the numerous 15-minute breaks they need throughout the day even though they “don’t smoke.”
Their presence is most noticed as they wave goodbye to you, their long workday ending before you’ve even gone to lunch.
3. The Weekend Weather Obsessive
This individual only cares about when Friday will roll around again, and what the forecast holds for the weekend, even though they rarely have plans. These interactions can be tricky, as their mood directly correlates to how far into the week you are divided by the weather you’re expecting.
Here are some examples of conversations you can expect to have with “The Weekend Weather Obsessive”:
WEDNESDAY
You: How are you doing today?
Them: I’m doing great. Sun’s out.
MONDAY
You: It’s SO nice out today.
Them: Yeah, but it’s Monday.
FRIDAY
You: Thank God it’s Friday!
Them: Yeah, but it’s supposed to rain all weekend.
MONDAY
You: Hey! We had such beautiful weather this weekend. What did you do?
Them: Nothing.
4. The Helpless
Even though they use a computer every day, don’t dare ask “The Helpless” to attempt anything unfamiliar in Microsoft Works. This will set off a series of events you won’t be prepared for, complete with a temper tantrum and proud declaration that they have no idea what they’re doing, despite never bothering to ask for help.
You can, however, get used to answering a myriad of other questions, including what the code is to check their voicemail and the last name of the person they’ve sat next to for the last five years. But don’t expect these favors to be returned. Any request for help you may need will be met with a very serious, “I really wish I could, but I have to be honest, I’m not even exactly sure what we do here.”
5. The Sliding Door
You bonded on your very first day. This kind soul answered all your questions and offered advice on how to do your best while handling all the different personalities in the office. You will even eat lunch together and spend time talking about how crazy everyone is. This person is smart, sane, and relaxed, and also about to give their notice. You'll feel like you were punched in the gut.
The two of you will try to stay in touch, but will inevitably drift apart. You'll cry on your way to work (and won't have anyone to laugh about it with) and stalk them on social media when you get home. Facebook will tell you they're doing well, but you won't be able to help secretly hoping that they’re as miserable at their new job as you are. But of course they won't be.